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Can't get dp to understand how I feel.. Need some outside perspective desperate

3 replies

HereForAdvice2019 · 03/06/2019 10:20

Me and Dp have been through a bit of a shit time lately.
Bit of background. In the last 3. 5 years. We have had a lot of shit from his ex. From debts she's accumulated in his name, fraudulent signing of paperwork. Fighting for contact with his Daughter as she was being controlling amongst other things.
Its been really tough and I've supported through all this. And without a doubt I would do it all again if I had to in a flash ..

However this did take a toll on my mental health. I became run down, depressed and exhausted. And I'm sure he felt the same too. The whole load of events from ex ruined the excitement of my pregnancy of our toddler because she seemed to Rule our lives.

We have a beautiful little girl now and another baby on way.

Over the past few months we've not always seen eye to eye. Nothing major just silly things like.
I feel I get hardly any help around the home from the teen and dp. I appreciate dp works full time and until recently was doing a self employed job some Nights too ( think entertainment) , but atm that's not the case
I am a sahm, I miss my colleagues but isn't worth me working due to childcare costs..
I do 99% of housework, all admin/bills, shopping etc. He has offered in fairness but would be late evenings of sorting it all and the toddler in bed and is a light sleeper. So sometimes it's Easier to plod along.
I am exhausted, I just sit and cry most days because I'm so tired.

It annoys me that weekend plans not being made until last minute (unless I decide what we're doing in advance and sometimes I just want the thinking to be done for me) things being ding last minute doesn't always work with a young toddler, and 2 other children. By time we pack picnic etc time then Gets on toddler needs a nap etc.

He's made a couple of Suggestions in the past but again normally last minute at midday and when I say timings won't work ( having to be back for his eve work when he did it) I'd get accused of throwing his ideas out. But the reality is we need to be back to get dinner him showered etc for him to get out of the eve on time.
Which Then left me to clean up and to sort the kids, Inc Step Daughter , baths, bed etc.. But if was suggested early morning or night before it would be doable as dinner could be prepared picnic made etc.

To top it off a couple of months ago I discovered he was having an emotional affair for a couple of weeks but I belive it may of been longer because little things don't add up, it was with someone where he did the evening work and I caught them together ( which is why he's no longer doing it) I found out I was pregnant the same day and unfortunately lost it a week later .. I didnt have any support whatsoever. When I asked him why he said he felt crap he had to give up his eve work and was getting used to idea of being a dad again and in was all gone.. But the most emphasis was on he'd miss the evening work and the people, regualars etc how it had been a huge part of his life which I understand.
So I dealt with the misscarriage alone at home with the toddler.
He said his reason for what he did was I'm always grumpy. But he doesn't understand I'm Exhausted and literally do nearly everything for everyone. But I was working on that and showed him proof. The emotional affair hit me hard and I've forgiven but it will always creep up on me every so often because you can't unsee things. No matter what.. Dp has to live with it too which i know he's sorry for and I 100% trust he wouldn't do it again.

I know he's struggling not having the eve work at the moment as not only was it good money but its passion for him. He's struggling to find a replacement. But I've been helping too and trying to support.. The other day he said in a click of a finger he could get the old one back because we're now struggling for money .. My reply was you can live at your mums then.. I can't mentally deal with it and the thought of her being there. She's already stalked him on fb by obviously opening a new account as he'd blocked her.. Id sooner be skint than put up with that.
Whilst discussing finances yesterday and it came about I needed clothes I said atm I won't because I'll always make sure the kids come first and he got the hump. But cash only goes so far and I refuse to put more debt on Cards which is he answer to it all. And if never put myself before my kids.. Or his daugher. Ever! I will get clothes when we're sorted. Currently Waiting on universal credit to be sorted.
Which again he doesn't understand that when that's sorted we can work at the debts and everything else.!

I think he's struggling with everything as much as me but he just doesn't seem to understand that we're in this together. Money isn't everything and that can be sorted . His ex won't always be there, once his daugher is older.

We are having a baby again ( wasn't expecting it to happen the month after the miss carriage), and I don't want to be stressed again throughtout it and I'm terrified of. Another MC.

I know he will find replacement work because he's good at what he does. Although I have said ideally. Not a regular weekly eve because that again puts more onto me dealing with another little human and having less time whilst yes he's earning money, but he's getting to socialise, he's getting to have fun etc.
A child has 2 parents and it shouldn't all fall on me. But I feel unreasonable for thinking like that

Problem is I bottle things up.. Even the small silly stuff then explode. But when I do let it all out. It seems lots of trivial things escalate and we argue. But when I say it from the off he often doesn't like it.. Like doesn't like hearing the truth.

OP posts:
Soola · 03/06/2019 10:29

The first thing I would do if I was you is focus on your health. If you were already exhausted then being pregnant may drain you even further.

What are your iron levels like? Do you eat well?

If you can under the circumstances eat and drink healthily and take any necessary supplements such as Floradix so that you can feel the best physically, then you will find it easier to cope with stress and emotions concerning your relationship.

With regards to housework, don’t do as much and leave stuff for him to do. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves by thinking we have to do it all, so take a step back.

NorthEndGal · 03/06/2019 10:31
  1. ask to get this moved to relationships
  2. maybe prioritize getting an evening job yourself, so he is looking after the kids more, you get to get out of the house and have a social/work life as well. It would bring money in too.
  3. get some couples counseling so you don't fight through the pregnancy
RompeCabezas · 03/06/2019 10:45

Those aren't silly things at all.

I agree with the previous poster. You need to divide up the labour in a way that suits YOU

The labour is all designed to give him an income and control (or entitlement) and to leave you with all of the menial childcare and housework and care of his daughter.

Tell him that that isn't working for you. You need to divide up the labour more equally.

If he refuses then life might be easier without him and his daughter to consider in every decision.

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