Not feeling as thought I think I should

[broken1982]

I'm sorry for the confusing title and I also wasn't sure where to post this but I was just looking for a bit of perspective
I lost my beloved mother/best friend 3 weeks ago very very suddenly and unexpectedly.
What's really getting to me is I'm feeling so guilty that I feel the way I do. Ill try to explain as best I can.
I feel as though I should be lying in bed, face down, sobbing my heart out and should have been since my husband came home to tell me he had found her dead and tried to resuscitate her until an ambulance came. I'm getting on with my life...we had her funeral last week and I felt that everything in between was just shock and having to deal with funeral arrangements etc kept me busy. And that when her funeral was over I would really crack and break. I am so heartbroken, truly I am and I'm making excuses every morning when I wake up to myself that I won't be seeing her today because she's at work/on holiday/busy. But if I'm honest I just don't feel as though I'm acting and feeling as I should be. I should be too heartbroken to get up on a morning, I should be too heartbroken to even contemplate taking my kids to the park...but I am doing these things.
Daily I have my 20 min breakdown where I sob uncontrollably on the floor of my bedroom out of sight from my husband and kids but then I pull myself together and get on with it.
The biggest fear I've had all my life was losing my mam, she was my best friend and saw her every single day. I couldn't wait to get home from a weeks holiday somewhere to see her, id miss her that much. Now she's gone forever and I'm just living, getting on with things, looking after my family, making sure my sister and my step father are okay...
Why aren't I acting/feeling as heartbroken as I should be...

There is no should when it comes to grief, you feel how you feel and that's ok.
Sorry for your loss

My Dad died very suddenly and I was just the same. Did the necessary stuff, sorted the funeral etc etc.
And carried on as usual.
I felt wrong... why wasn't I grief stricken? But I didn't feel much of anything..just cracked on with daily life.

It was months before the loss hit me, and then in odd ways..I'd dream of him in technicolour dreams where he was well and younger. Something would happen and I'd think 'Oh must tell Dad when I ring him' and THEN and only then, did grief hit... the realisation that I'd never be able to tell him that DD1 had just graduated as a Doctor, that DS2 has a job... all that mundane lovely stuff that I'd never be able to share. It was at least 9 months before it hit me.

Grief is personal. I'm not an emotional person, and would describe myself as a very pragmatic personality. But my loss, hit me slowly and gradually and I guess, gently, but no less for that.

It's ok to feel how you feel, now or at any point in the future!

You Sound perfectly normal in how you are dealing with this op. My mother died suddenly 4 years ago and I needed normality. It helped to just do normal things. I still miss her though.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no right way to grieve. It sounds like you are being really strong, and you are right to allow yourself time to cry in private if that's what you need. I lost my beloved Dad very suddenly when I was pregnant with DS1. He was my best friend, and as I lost my Mum young my Dad and I were a team (I have no siblings). I reacted very similar to you. I got on with what needed to be done, and I had a good sob now and then. My grief came in different ways, like a PP said. I still have very vivid dreams about him, sometimes I dream that he is still alive and I cry when I wake up and realise he isn't. Just let it happen and don't examine how are reacting, you are doing really well xxx

Thank you so much for your replies my absolute heart goes out to you all.
I'm due a baby in 2 weeks and just don't know how that's going to make me feel.
For now I know that the excitement of it all has just disappeared and she was so very excited to meet her new grandchild. She was 50 years old
Are hormones making me feel this numb? Am I just going to break when baby comes? I'm so scared!

As the others have said, grief comes to each of us in it's own way, there is no should. When my baby died almost 10 years ago I was the broken person you think you should be, I could barely function for so long yet others may have looked at me and thought "she seems OK".

My dad died 9 months ago, 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer and I don't feel my grief for him has been the same, despite the fact that I am devastated he's not here anymore. You will also still be in shock, your grief will change and that's OK, there is no right and wrong when it comes to dealing with the death of the ones we love.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve.
Whatever you do/feel is right for you.

The day dm died I didn't know what to do with myself - we ended up taking dd to a farm!

My dm died days before dd2 was born. I actually found it a massive help to have a little baby to cuddle (but then sobbed and sobbed when I was due to go back to work).

So very sorry for your loss :(

There is no 'should' in grief. Feeling numb enough to function is a perfectly normal, if disconcerting, coping mechanism. I felt like you did when I lost my mum - broke my heart initially and then found that I couldn't cry, couldn't feel anything at all. I had a dream one night in which I was in a lift, which took me down a really deep shaft. The doors opened, and just for a few seconds I truly felt the grief, and then they closed and I was taken back up. It was as if my mind was saying to me 'It's all here, but you couldn't cope with it all the time.' I lost my dad just before Christmas and it's been similar: couldn't stop crying for the first couple of weeks but have been strangely numb since.

There are some wonderful people on this thread who have been such a help to me. Come and join us if you feel able