Deciding whether to have a second child

[mumof1littlebun]

If you were unsure how did you decide? I always thought we'd have a second but recently I'm just not sure. I keep thinking we've left too big a gap (ds would be at least four) and that I'm not sure I want to go through it all again which may be because my ds3 is being a terror at the minute! I also keep thinking it'd be nice to have a bit more money and freedom once he's at school but then don't want to regret years down the line if we didn't try for another!

If you felt like this how did you decide?!

We have 8 years between out 2. By choice.

We talked about another so much never really sure.
Our oldest swung it. They were desperate for a sibling and we thought we would probably never regret having another but may regret not if that makes sense.

It's been amazing, they bicker of course but we dont regret it at all. We wont have more now, family definitely feels completely.

i am currently pregnant and have a 8 year old .We had to wait for better circumstances ,i think its better this way.As our daughter is largely independent and out of the tantrum phase.So looking after a new baby being older and more experienced means it will be more enjoyable

Literally could have written your post. LO is nearly 3 and we're kind of looking forward to costs going down (30 free hours etc) but at the same time we don't want to leave an even bigger gap for another one. Following with interest

I had my first at 41, but he was my husband’s third (13 year gap). I didn’t want an only child. I dated a man with no siblings and as his parents aged he really could have used some help with the situation and was so pleased when he got back in contact with a cousin. That shared family history counts for a lot. However he only had one child himself!
I had my second after 20 months. My age played a part but I also wanted them no more than two school years apart.

I wanted a small gap, started trying for #2 when my dd was 18 months old. Didn't fall pregnant until she was almost 4.

#2 is currently 11 weeks old and having a bigger gap (4.5 years) has worked out really well for us. My eldest loves her baby brother and she's that little bit older so can do things for herself.

No advice but we're in exactly the same position at the moment. DD is 3yrs 3 months and we've just got the 30 hours. She's fairly independent and I have a new job starting next week. DH is seriously considering retraining and we think we can just about afford it now..

It's looking likely we'll stick at one but we're only late twenties so have got time to have a big age gap if we change our minds. How old are you OP?

4 years isn’t a big gap! Dd is 8 and I’m currently pg. For me the decision was made because I thought I would regret further down the line not ever trying for another, and I didn’t want to live forever wishing or wondering what might have been.

Thank you for all the replies. I think it feels like a big gap as most of my friends have done the two year gap and will get through the baby stage so much quicker! Having said that I like that I could possibly be on mat leave when ds starts school so would be around the help him settle in and really couldn't have coped with two little ones. I guess that makes me feel a bit of a rubbish mum but we really wanted to focus on ds. I also regularly read on here that it's hard to entertain two children at different stages as they want to do different things and think it made me think we'd left too big a gap!

Op I have a 9 year gap between my sister and I (I’m older). I LOVE the big gap as growing up I got to help look after her and play and do stuff with her. It was so much fun having a little shadow behind me and such good company. I also would keep her busy a lot doing stuff with her so mum got a break (not because I had to or even realised it was giving her s break, because I wanted to!). I can’t remember it being an issue going to things that one or the other was interested in. I think you’re being incredibly thoughtful to consider all this and it’ll be such an easier experience with your dc starting school than having two small ones home together all the time.

Thank you for your lovely reassuring reply Reastie. We just felt like it wouldn't be fair on ds to not have our full attention while he was so small, obviously this is just our opinion! Hard to talk about with friends though without implying that I thought they didn't give their smaller gapped children attention! I do like the idea of ds being at school so again dc2 could have a lot of my focus also. Not sure when I'll get into a good career as I'm already 34 but that's another worry for another day!

I’m in the same boat, dd is 3 and we’ve been ttc number 2 for 2 years. The longer it takes the more unsure I become. All of the mums I was on maternity leave with now have 2.

My two dc are exceedingly close, there is a 3 year gap between them. They are now 16 (dd) and 13 (ds) and i can not remember the last time that they argued! They go out together, spend time together and look out for each other. I have a 10 year old dss whom spends half the time with us, he would like to be here more, i think because he likes having siblings! I feel sad for dss as he will never have a blood sibling as dh and i feel that we are too old now (42&45). I can not see dss's mother having another child and for ages dss wanted me to have a child with his df (my dh). I know he is aware of the relationship that my 2 have with each other and that he would love to have the same. Ds and dss do get on well and are very brother like with each other, dd is 6 years older than him and is very much the caring big sister. Our dc have been in each others lives since dss was 3, ds 6 and dd 9.

We will all be working until we are 70, so you will have plenty of time to get your career back on track.....

I don't think there is ever a good time to have a child. I have a 2.5 year gap and whilst it was hard (and childcare was expensive) they are both settled into primary school and keep each other company.

My DSis has a 16 year gap between the oldest and youngest and the older children can help out with the younger ones.

Litteelffriend that's the same with me (although haven't started ttc yet)! Stupidly haven't really considered it could take a while as we were first month with ds

Mumof1littlebun we didn’t either it only took a month to conceive our first

I don't think there is a right or wrong age gap. We went for a second just because we wanted one at the time that we wanted one (long try for first, short try for second). I personally wouldn't let age gap be a decider - just go for it if and when you want to.

No real advice as I got pregnant as soon as I quit breastfeeding (on day one of cycle which my biology lessons told me wasn't possible, it is!) It's what feels right for you. 4-5 years gap is becoming quite common due to childcare costs, so are very close together if mum (usually) takes a career break. Plenty of only kids too. If I had my life again I would probably choose 3-4 years apart as university is so expensive for us!

We're trying to decide right now. Or rather, we're trying to conceive while I keep thinking "Are we crazy?!" I was very ill during pregnancy and had very bad PND afterwards; physically, I never really recovered. DS is 4.5 and so much easier to deal with than he was as a baby. We're mad to even consider going through that again! Plus we're worried about the age gap too. And yet whenever I see a baby, I feel massivley broody and I'm painfully jealous of one of my friends who is pregnant with her second.

There is no such thing as an ideal age gap so don't let that put you off . With my friends we all have between four and six year age gap's due to difficulty with conceiving for friends and our wish to balance the finances a little bit more. There are 4.10 years between my two and yes we didn't want DS to be an only child and I'm so glad we could give him a sibling when I see how happy he is to have one. We took a bit longer to conceive him that we would've liked however it turned out perfectly as it meant I got to be off work for DS1 entire first year of school.

Most of my baby mum friends second time round are already pregnant or have a second child so small age gap's that would not have appealed to me in the slightest but is what they want.

In the exact same dilemma. I had my coil out today - we wanted a second child sooner but various issues meant we couldn't. DS is 4.3 and honestly life is lovely right now. I feel like the gap may be too big and they will have nothing in common so we're not even giving him a lovely relationship. Also the thought of going back to nappies and everything is horrible.

I am facing the same dilemma. Always thought we'd have two with a 2-3 year age gap, but as the time passes that broodiness I had with my first just isn't happening. I had a bad pregnancy last time around and a couple of losses since, so despite DH really wanting another, I just don't know if I want to go through it again. Especially as I feel like I couldn't be the mother I want to be to DD over the next few years if I'm sick from pregnancy then focused on a new baby.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to give dc1 all of your attention. After having our little girl we said at the start we would probably try for a 2nd when she was 1 or 1.5 years old. However that time came and went so quickly, and we were just loving having just her to concentrate on and give all our love to that we kept delaying. We almost couldn't imagine having to share our love between 2 children. However, me and hubby both grew up with brothers and sisters and couldn't imagine not trying to give our little girl a sibling. So we knew we always wanted another, it was just a case of deciding when. It was also hard to not compare ourselves to friends/family who were having 2nd babies quite quickly-almost felt like we were being left behind. But try not to compare yourselves to others -they are them, and you are you! Everyone's situation and personalities are different, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Fast forward and we are now 6 months pregnant with our second and couldn't be happier. Dd1 will be just shy of 4.5 years old. And while there are advantages of having kids close together, I can also already see benefits of having them a bit further apart. Dd1 completely understands what is going on and couldn't be more excited. She talks to my bump and kisses it, sings to it, and talks about all the things they can do together once baby is a bit older. She also wants to share all her old baby toys and clothes with her new sister. It makes my heart melt. Also this one is due just before dd starts school, so although it could be hectic if baby comes at the start of school, it means we dont have to worry about school runs while I am on mat leave and can spend some quality time with new baby while dd is at school.

There is no right or wrong decision here. Just what feels right for you. You sound like amazing parents for considering all this, and sounds like you have a lot of love to give another baby.

I wish you all the best.x

'. I feel like the gap may be too big and they will have nothing in common so we're not even giving him a lovely relationship'

Siblings close in age don't really have lovely relationships when they're little, they fight like cats and dogs. 4 years is nothing when they're older. I think your age gap is a good one.

It will be at least 5 though