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Original poster

Wedding arranging

24 replies

Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 08:44

My DD is getting married, it’s in the very early stages. How much/little should I be involved in? I feel a bit like an afterthought, as she discusses things with others first. I’d hate to be interfering etc (I’m not that way) but equally I don’t want to appear disinterested.

Just feel an outsiderSad

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 02/06/2019 09:23

  1. it's not about you so why would there be any specific 'forethought' for you at this point? (or any point)

  2. ask your dd how much or little help/thoughts she needs

IHeartArya · 02/06/2019 09:25

I have 3 friends arranging weddings. They all feel the same & feel cheated. They say they didn’t get the wedding they wanted when they got married (in my day parents decided) & they aren’t involved now. And as they say they are paying the bill. Unfortunately think it’s par for the course.

Morgan12 · 02/06/2019 09:26

Que everyone saying get over yourself and it's not about you but I totally understand why you would feel like this.

Are you close? My mum was involved in every single decision I made about my wedding and she also paid the meal, cars, my dress and other little things. Will you be contributing?

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
IHeartArya · 02/06/2019 09:27

Sorry missed out ‘dcs’ - should read 3 friends dcs arranging weddings!

Fatted · 02/06/2019 09:30

Are you contributing anything financially to this wedding?

If the answer is no, then you get no say and then it's a sliding scale depending on how much or what you're paying for.

Just don't do what my mum did and throw a shit fit threatening not to come because your DD doesn't do what you want her to do.

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 09:38

OMG, such vitriolic posts!

  1. I’m not, in any way shape or form a ‘dictator’
  2. as I said in the OP, I don’t want to interfere.
  3. I will be contributing but do not think that gives me any right to her choices.
  4. Her dad is a loser and I’ve been a LP for many years.

I wanted some kind, polite advice.

Shame on you who’ve said ‘get over yourself’ you don’t even know me!

You’re a bloody nest of vipersAngry

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 02/06/2019 09:42

Op you are being unnecessarily rude to Morgan I suggest you reread her post. I also wasn’t rude.

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 09:51

Arya you are correct, you weren’t rude at all and I apologise for a ‘collective’ post.

I have re read Morgan’s post, and I disagree, saying to someone you don’t know “get over yourself, it’s not about you” is rude, whatever the positive comments were after.

I have, and would never be rude/blunt to anyone on this forum. Nobody knows anyone’s situation/history, it severely lacks integrity.

Thank you for your OP and once again I apologise to you.

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 02/06/2019 10:11

Thank you - I still read Morgan’s post differently though. But you are right it could be the other way. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt. Tbh I think it’s unfortunately the ways things are going to be. I know my friends are pretty gutted. So not helpful I know but you are not alone.

Hermie12 · 02/06/2019 10:21

Talk to her. Say you’d be delighted to be involved and offer support but understand it’s her day. That you’re here when and if she needs you. Then back off.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 02/06/2019 10:22

Morgana used the wrong "cue" (she used "que")

Her meaning is "here come a bunch of people saying get over it, but not me, I understand your point"

She's supporting you.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 02/06/2019 10:33

Eh? Morgan said "Que everyone saying get over yourself and it's not about you but I totally understand why you would feel like this. " I think you may have misread her tone tbh.

I do think that there has been a big generational shift with weddings. When my mum was married, her parents paid for everything and decided everything. When I married, we paid for (nearly) everything, and made nearly all the decisions - I sometimes got my mum's advice, but equally her tastes/priorities and mine aren't identical, so there were lots of occasions where I didn't get her involved to avoid the clash of ignoring her advice!

BUT there were areas where I really wanted her help. And she often didn't seem to pick up clues of when that was (the day we planned specifically to buy my veil for example, was spent shopping for her hat until the last 30 mins... I've not quite forgiven her yet...!!)

Could you sit down with your dd and have a cards on table chat? Tell her how excited you are about the wedding, and say that you don't want to interfere or take over. Ask her what would be useful for her - is there anything where she'd like you to do some research? Or could the two of you go to a couple of wedding fairs together? When is she planning dress shopping and can you tag along? Is she setting up a pinterest board or similar so you can start to get a sense of her aesthetic and look *and so avoid imposing yours!?) Make it clear you're happy to do boring jobs (pricing up invitations?) as well as fun ones (flowers, frocks and food!), but that you are there as much of as little as she wants. And don't skimp on the praise - if they/she's decided upon something, I'd make sure you love it ;-)

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 10:35

buzz and arya the post made by morgan could be misinterpreted. I saw the opening sentence, and that was enough I guess, everything else was lost on me, so maybe I’m being unfair, I take both your points.

hermie thank you for your post.

arya thanks for sharing your friends dilemmas, it helps to know my ‘sensitivity’ is felt by others in the same boat.

I will keep a very quiet counsel. And to the poster who’s mother had a ‘shit fit’ I couldn’t imagine anything so awful happening that I’d do that to my child.

I’ve swallowed many things over the years, I’ll do exactly the same now. My daughters wedding is hers and her future husbands. And even contributing financially shouldn’t give anyone a say in what is being arranged, not unless it’s completely out of that persons budget. Sad that the competitiveness of weddings these days, gives you a superior position in decisionsSad

OP posts:
Fantababy · 02/06/2019 10:35

1) it's not about you so why would there be any specific 'forethought' for you at this point? (or any point)

Maybe because it's nice to consider others' feelings?

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 10:39

and thanks for your post, I’ll take those points on board (and the one about morgans toneSmile)

I will have the ‘cards in the table’ chat. I think that is the first port of callSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallpointless · 02/06/2019 10:40

fanta totally agree

OP posts:
isthatabloborwhat · 02/06/2019 10:44

This is 'Chat' folks, not 'AIBU' - give the OP a break.

YahBasic · 02/06/2019 10:45

My mum was like this with my wedding - she was quite sulky beforehand and only after did she say why. It honestly put a bit of a downer on it that she was so negative in the run up and on the day.

We had a wedding planner who did 99% of the work too, so there was nothing to actually do. We paid it all ourselves and she came with me to get my dress etc.

I would position it more as “I’d love to help you out with the planning, what are you thinking for x,y,z?” Keep it as a conversation that she might have with her friends/other people. Maybe let her know a couple of weekends that you are free if she wants to go to a wedding fair, look at flowers etc and just be there to genuinely give support rather than opinions.

stucknoue · 02/06/2019 10:48

You are as involved as she wants you to be. It's probably a good thing to invite her to spend some mother daughter time with you, not just about the wedding but a nice day catching up, and you can discuss what you could do together, how perhaps you could specifically contribute (not just money) eg suggest dress shopping or looking at venues. She's probably just excited at the moment and isn't making firm decisions.

There's no rules, every family is different. Grooms have more to say these days too and I know several friends recently have at the early stages got both set(s) of parent(s) together (in one case 4 parents and 4 step parents) early on to discuss logistics and they made offers to help with things eg one made the cake, others money, brides dad paid for the dress whatever.

OneTownsVeryLikeAnother · 02/06/2019 10:56

Invite her out for Afternoon Tea or something similar and tell her you'd like to hear all about the wedding plans.

LittleCandle · 02/06/2019 10:56

DD2 has just become engaged and is starting to look at dresses/venues etc because they will have to save hard to get the wedding they want. I am not in a position to contribute much (although I do want to contribute towards her dress), but even if I was, it is her wedding and she can have what she wants. If she shows signs of being a bridezilla, I will call her out on that. I am lucky that she wants me to be involved (her father is not on the scene) and I am being careful not to say anything that might constitute interfering. I think you should have a chat with your DD and ask what you can do to help, ask how the planning is going, make suggestions, but make it clear that you are only suggesting alternatives, not dictating anything. Your DD has probably not realised that you want to be more involved.

plunkplunkfizz · 02/06/2019 11:13

It’s a real shame you misinterpreted the first post which was sympathetic to you. There is no other way to read what Morgan said I’m afraid. It makes me wonder if your judgment is clouded by your feelings and you are misinterpreting other things. How do you know you’re an afterthought? Maybe your DD doesn’t check every thing with you first because she knows you well. Maybe she checks with whoever is on hand first and then goes to you for final approval? In any case though, it’s not your wedding and while it’s nice to be involved, it’s not mandatory for her to do so.

Morgan12 · 02/06/2019 20:46

Bloody hell I said I totally understood you so don't really get how that could have been interpreted any other way.

Confused
Oneminuteandthenallgone · 02/06/2019 21:03

Are you paying for all of it? I think that determine the level of involvement.

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