Hi I hope your ready :) I was with my boyfriend for 7 years today. Well would of been. When we met it was love at first sight I know everyone says that but it really was.
Everything was perfect he was the perfect boyfriend I felt so proud he was mine. Then 2 years into the relationship my son got hit by a car when he was 8. I saw the whole thing so it kinda messed with my head. He is okay only got a broken jaw :( but he is a bright 14 year old now :) I let that mess with my head. Again my boyfriend was still amazing but I was pushing him away I was pushing everyone away.
Then it kinda got easier. Then we had a brake in they didn't take anything just felt violated. for days I left my coat on it was like a comfort thing everything was ok ish I was still a bit of a freak about the kids I worried about them so much I would stop them from doing stuff. My boyfriend was drifting away I could feel it but I was so scared to get close to people just in case something happened..
Then I got pregnant I was so nervous because he said he didnt want anymore children but I thought we will get through anything because we had been through a little bit.. well when I told him he was not happy said some hurtful things about the baby long story short I had a abortion because I felt like I had no choice I already had 3 children 2 not being his I felt like I'd lose him and be single with 4 children I didn't want that..
I was 6 weeks when I had the abortion so in my head i was thinking it's not a baby yet. But it destroyed me I felt so guilty,angry, sad I let it eat me away. so I thought I'm going to punish myself by being horrible to myself. not enjoying things being angry, kinda hating my boyfriend because I thought he would have my back. I get why I had to have the abortion it's because we had no money the house was just big enough for the 5 of us. But I still felt sad I felt like I couldn't grive because I had killed it so I had no right..
Me and my boyfriend starting arguing we would be so horrible to each.. well one day i snapped and I told him what I thought of him and it didn't go down to well I basically said he had ruined my life and I hated him..
Fast forward to now that was about 8 months ago I think.. he broke down about 3 months ago ( stay with me i will get there) lol anyway he broke down and said he can't do this anymore he saw the look in my eyes he said he can't unsee that. A week ago he said he can't be with me anymore I hurt him and he can't get over what i said and my face and what we had back . I feel so heart broken because once apon a time we were so in love.. OH and he still lives here he said he wants to make sure me and the kids are okay i hate it because i know we are not together but it dont feel real till he goes. I see him everyday I can't get over him only my son knows what's going on he don't want to tell the girls yet till he goes.. I dont know when that will be. apart of me just wants to say fuck off let me get over u if u don't want to be with me. but then I think how amazing he was he still is but he had dealt with a lot too.. we packed some of his stuff today then put it in the loft he said well let's see what happens as I've been cool not having sex with him. he still tries which is annoying because I so want to but I know I will end up getting hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore.. I hope u understand this as it's 2.10am but I really needed to get it off my chest because I just want to go down stairs grab his face and say please don't leave me because he is my bestfriend still so I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him as a friend he means to much to me..