My mum has a terrible habit I'm not sure how best to handle

[PoppiesandBumbleBees]

My mum has a habit of giving my (5 year old) DD multiple slices of cake when we go to their house, even after she's heard me tell my DD that she cannot have another piece. This afternoon we popped into my parent's house to give my mum her birthday presents & my dad, sister, brother-in-law & niece & were also there & my mum did tea & cake in the garden.

She gave my DD a chocolate roll whilst everyone else had some other cakes which I'm fine with, as I'm not against DD having cake. I then got up briefly to play with my niece & when I came back a few minutes later I found my mum had given DD a second piece of cake. Fine, I wasn't particularly happy about not having been asked first, but I can let that slide we were there to celebrate my mum's birthday after all, there was quite a lot of cake out on the table, everyone was having seconds & we hardly ever go for tea & cake at theirs.

But then around 30 minutes later my DD told me she was still hungry, so I said she could have a banana (which she loves) & my mum suggested a ham sandwich, both of which DD refused (she'd had a ham sandwich for lunch). About 10 minutes later my DD again said she was still hungry & asked for another cake, to which I expressly told her no & that we were going home for dinner in a few minutes (we only live about a 15 min drive away, it was only 5pm & she normally has dinner around 6pm, so it wasn't like it was past her dinner time). My mum was sitting right next to us & heard every word of this exchange.

Right after this I was briefly distracted telling my dad that DH needed the car for an evening outing & so we needed to get going. When I turned round, less than 30 seconds later, my mum had handed DD a third cake!! She had literally just heard me tell DD that she was not allowed another cake & that we needed to get home for dinner & she went right ahead and gave her one anyway.

I made a face & said "oh mum" -- I probably should've said something more, but I was reluctant to make a scene in front of the entire family & DD, but I think it was pretty clear I wasn't happy. Anyway, mum's response was simply "What??! She was desperately hungry".

DD was not "desperately hungry". She had been offered sensible food and refused it. She just knew that if she sidestepped me & went to my mum my decision would be completely overridden & she would get exactly what she wanted -- more cake.

So obviously DD took a huge bite before I could do anything.. I wasn't too sure what to do, I didn't want to immediately take the cake away from DD & cause a massive tantrum, so I told her we would share the cake & I cut in half & went to give her the piece she'd already taken a bite out of .. except she grabbed the other half & tried to eat that instead as (not already having a big bite out of it!) it was bigger.

So I ended up removing the cake from her hand & taking her away completely from the scene, at which point she had a huge meltdown, scratched me & kicked me several times, which is extremely unusual for her. I just kept firmly telling her I understood she was cross, I know she wanted the cake, but she'd already had two cakes, that it was not nice to scratch and kick me, that if she was going to behave like this then next time she wouldn’t be allowed any cake and that it was not going to help or change my mind. We left within 10 mins of all that & I was seething all the way home.

The thing is, this issue has come up with my mum before -- DH & I would be trying to leave my parent's house & DH would've just got DD into the mindset of it being time to put shoes on etc & we would be collecting bags / going to the loo / generally getting ready to leave etc, when my mum would somehow manage to sneak DD away to the kitchen & give her another piece of cake.

So we've had to have a chat with my parents about this issue before now & asked them to cut back on the cake, not to give her cake after DH or I have told her no & not to give her cake when we're in the middle of trying to leave .. and yet my mum still went right ahead & did it again today anyway.

My parents-in-law don't do anything like this and they've never even had to be asked. Whenever we go to their house if DD asks them for any food / drink, they always refer her back to DH & I to ask our permission first. But it's a different dynamic at my parent's house, as my mum just does whatever she wants with DD with no regard to the boundaries I set down.

I want to be able to go & enjoy time at my parents house without my mum overriding my decisions, secreting more cake to my DD when I'm not looking & generally making it super difficult to leave at the end of a visit. I now try not to go to my parent's place too much, maybe once a month (although they do see DD more regularly, as they pick her up from school once a week, as do my in-laws) & I find it easier being there when DH is with me.

The weird thing about it is that growing up my parents were extremely restrictive of what my sister & I were allowed to eat, almost to an OCD level (we weren't allowed anything with dairy, red meat, e-flavourings, artificial colourings or sugar -- we were only allowed things made with fructose or honey, sweets were rationed to three a week from a stashed away box. I literally didn't have chocolate or ice cream until I was about 12 & I used to have dreams as a child where I would be delightedly about to eat some chocolate only to wake up the moment I was about to take a bite, as I knew I wasn’t allowed it!!), so I can't understand my mum's eagerness to give DD so much cake now.

My mum is not an easy person to talk to or to raise issues with. She can be unpredictable and can get angry quite easily, she will never apologise for anything or admit she might be in the wrong and it's difficult to just have a chilled out conversation with her about issues without her jumping straight to annoyance. My dad would be more receptive, so he would be the person to approach. But as we've raised this issue before & my mum has still gone & done it again today anyway I'm at a loss for what else to say to them..

Has anyone else had experience of this? What would you do?

Take control by refusing and avoiding food based visits there for 6 months or so. Your mum knows what she is doing and she is making you the baddy - in her head or your dds. She perhaps has some long held food issues originating from her own childhood experiences. I wouldn't speak about it further, I would simply say you keep challenging and undermining me with my daughter and that's not good for her, so I will have to limit our visits.

She sounds like a Stately Homes / Toxic Parents kind of mother to me.

I wouldn't be taking my child(ren) there for anything more than brief visits outside mealtimes.

And I wouldn't let her do a weekly school pick-up either! I assume she gives her lots of cake/sweets then.

It's not about the food though, it's about overstepping your boundaries, not respecting your role as the parent and decision-maker, and asserting her continuing control over you.

Have you asked her why she's changed her attitude to food that you previously were not allowed?

Appalling behaviour from your mother. I'd be straight right from the start of the visit. One piece of cake only allowed today please mum. If she's offering more, I'd return it to the plate and withdraw with your dd. Either leave or disappear for a long period of time. But yes avoid good situations if you can. Tell her you, she obviously has some major issues.

Your mother sounds like my MIL. I now hate going to her house, as every visit turns into an opportunity to say how unreasonable and overly strict DH and I are. The result is that she sees our DC less often than she would like. Limit your visits OP and put your foot down, if it causes a scene then you can remind your DM that that's why you've given these rules.

My next door neighbour did that with my kids.
I said 'No', she said 'Oh, one won't hurt and gave a biscuit to each child'. I not only took the biscuit off the children but was cross with them saying sharply 'You don't take a biscuit after I have said No'.

Then turned to the neighbour and said 'happy now'
I felt really cruel and sorry for them but it stopped the neighbour doing it again - I had asked her not to do it before and she ignored me.

It’s not a habit. It’s a deliberate attempt to undermine your boundaries.
Set them clearly when you arrive. Explain if she can’t support them then you won’t be coming over with DD again. If she’s like this at aged 5 with cake then what’ll she be like in 10 years about other things?

Call her out on it every single time. You don't have to make a scene there and then but ring her up that evening. Every time. Set a really clear rule with your mum - I'd suggest 2 pieces of cake. If she wants to give DD more treats she is welcome to, but they are to take home, not to eat there and then. Draw a really clear (but generous) boundary and enforce vehemently, because unfortunately your mum has already turned this into a power game.

Tell DD the limit is 2 pieces of cake at Grandma's. She is not to ask for more, or eat more. It will spoil her dinner etc. If she is offered more she is allowed to ask to take it home.

Also, not sure if I'd actually do this but you could tell your mum DD was sick after you'd got home. We have told white lies to our elderly neighbour to stop her overfeeding our cat. Obviously a child is not a cat.

Thanks very much for the advice everyone & especially Attaché for your idea about telling everyone up front that anything more than 2 pieces must be wrapped up to bring home for another day, that’s a great idea!

She’s spent your childhood controlling your food intake, and now she’s deliberately trying to get a reaction from you by giving your daughter excessive amounts of those things. She is a toxic person. I would try to be in situations where you are in control of the food, not her. If you must go to her house, take her aside and tell her straight - “one piece of cake or treat for DD and then no more, or we won’t be back again”.

I know from experience how hard it is to raise children with a healthy attitude to food when you weren’t and I really feel for you.

But she'll still give it to her anyway even if you do say that.

I agree it's a good idea in principle but she will ignore it.

Set out ground rules, be prepared to leave when she ignores them.

I am a grandma - if I am in sole charge of a grandchild, I make my own decisions based on my knowledge of what the parent's wishes are. The moment the parent steps in the door it becomes their decision - "Please may I have another piece of cake?" - "You must ask Mummy"

It is a simple formula that works well for us. Maybe tell your Mum that when you are there she needs to feed all requests your way. It is a matter of respect as far as I am concerned - their child, their decision that I should not override.

How much cake is given when she collects your DD from school? If it's none/limited, I'm with @sinkgirl - she is controlling and trying to undermine you in front of others. If you don't know, I'd start asking questions now.

My MIL is the cake version of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. I've made my peace with it as she only serves it after meals (lunch and dinner), after fruit etc. and it's her thing. It would drive me mad if any treat was just mindlessly given on demand between meals like that.

I can remember being given too many sweets by my Nan ,and my parents not being happy about it.If its Mums birthday obviously you dont want to cause a scene ,but could say something like "On Mum shes had 2 pieces already!,We were never allowed to eat cake at all!".I think GPs feel that they are more relaxed and allowed to !treat" the LOs and it almost becomes their "right!". Maybe its a way of having a second chance of parenting !.

Its undermining the OP not a second chance at parenting

I would be wary of the "ask Mummy" scenario as my DM used it to undermine me further and would get my DC saying " nasty Mummy"
I pulled away from them in the end.
Its toxic undermining behaviour particularly bearing in mind her behaviour towards you in the past.

My mother does this. Once DD was sick chocolate sick in the night after been given so much sweet food. She thinks nothing of giving DD fully happy meal with milk and ice cream, followed by a cake and biscuits an hour or so later. I worked out once that DD had had more junk in one day than I'd give in a week.

Your DM won't change ime. The more you protest the more she'll try to insinuate that you are cruel and are depriving your DD. What I do now is give no biscuits or fast food or any type of 'treat food'. It's awful not to be able to buy my child an ice cream but works out since the day a week we see her DD gets more than her quota.

Try ignoring your mother and she may get fed up. Mine has a bit.

i dont think the focus should be on the cake.having a few cakes at grandmas is sometimes the one time kids get to do this.i know we did.when we went to gran she has the biscuit barrel and i reckon over the time there we might have a few cakes.but it wasn't done in the way of boundaries pushing your mum seems to be.and it wasnt the norm.and everything else was balanced.
if id hve written what we did we just had a good time at grandmas and she would treat us.it would read very different.
trouble is making it about food is tricky.because you dont want to punish or highlight food being bad to your dd.entering food into the battle stick with a child.

would get my DC saying " nasty Mummy" - that is outrageous! You may rest assured that there would be no such nosnense from me - I tell the GC to ask their parents in order to respect their wishes - not to use it as a stick to beat them with.

Your dd is 5 which is old enough to understand that one cake is enough.

I wouldn't worry about it, myself. It's just cake. It's nice of grandmas to indulge their grandchildren.
I would feel that as you say you hardly ever go for tea and cake at theirs it's probably not worth rocking the boat over.
That's me but I can see I'm in the minority here.

Mishappening -- I think you sound like you handle your GCs really well. I bet your own child really appreciates it!

I have to say that my DD is better behaved at my in-laws about meals & food, because they respect our boundaries & she knows she can't go round us to get what she wants from them direct. They're also super thoughtful in-laws & my MIL in particular always make sure to back me up on my decisions & tell DD she thinks I've made the sensible /right decision, so I'm really lucky with my in-laws at least!

I would try not to make a big thing about it,warn your dd before you go in the door that it's one piece of cake only and that's that. When you are there and she's eating the cake say to your mum you've told dd that she's only to have one piece of cake as too much sugar is bad for her teeth. Suggest to your mum if she wants to treat her granddaughter then have treat box with stickers,pencils or whatever.

If your mum ignores you ,take the cake away from your dd and tell her you already said no.

My gran was the same,hugely strict with my sister and I but present her with a great grandson and the golden child gets cake before dinner