What would you do

[Morningcoffeelover]

Probably feeling sorry for myself but want your opinions. Over the last few years I have attended many funerals of family, friends and acquaintances (far too many). I am at that age where people are dying around me and it hurts. Most I attend by myself as my husband doesn't always know them. Afterwards I tend to gravitate to someone I know, just to stand with someone I am familiar with. The person moves away. So I am on my own. Everyone seems to be with someone or group of people. Once I thought it was accidental they moved away, so I moved close again, only for them to move away again. This happens at every funeral. I am beginning to feel very uncomfortable and upset about this. So much so that today I just watched from a distance until the they went into the church then I left. It doesn't happen with family funerals, thank goodness. I go to funerals out of respect for the person who died and for the family left behind. Oh god this is so self indulgent. Just need to vent after years of keeping it all to myself.

Why doesnt your husband just go with you? Me and my partner always go to funerals together, and on the odd occassion its not possible, i would make arrangements to go with someone else rather than turn up alone. Even if one of us doesnt know the deceased (and there has been a few funerals like that), we will still go together to support the other and to make sure that they are not alone.

My husband is self employed so doesn't get paid for "off" days unfortunately. So he only goes if he is friend with or family of the deceased. I am in the mind not to go to any that he won't attend though. Its a lonely business otherwise.

When you go to stand with someone you know do you strike up a conversation or just go and stand with them?

I normally make eye contact, smile and say nothing. I am usually too upset to speak.

You're too upset to speak at funerals of acquaintances?

Does this happen just at funerals, OP? What about other social occasions?

I think I would find it odd if someone came and stood next to me and didn't speak.

If you walk up to someone I think you need to say hello and introduce yourself. 'Hello I'm Morningcoffee lover. I knew [name of deceased] from work/gym/crochet club.' The natural thing then would be for them to respond.

Or if it's someone you vaguely know, a clichéd 'Hi Peggy. It's been a while. Nice to see you. Shame about the circumstances'

Either of these would be better than approaching someone and not speaking.

I've also had to attend more than my fair share of funerals recently, so I am sympathetic to how upsetting it can be to feel that so many of your family and friends are dying around you. But, and I mean this gently, I tend to be of the opinion that visible pain at a funeral is a privilege that is afforded to those who were extremely close to the deceased - and the role of everyone else is to celebrate the life of the person being buried, respectfully mourn their passing, and often, above all else, provide support to those who are likely to be feeing the most immediate and significant impact of the loss. So if you were not close enough to the deceased to be immediately recognisable to other attendees, then I might find it a bit strange to see someone so upset that they can't speak. My MIL behaves like this at funerals of acquaintances and social friends, and it comes across as really incredibly insensitive. So if you are feeling the loss so hugely that you can't speak, but perhaps that is more a reflection of the overall losses you've experienced than the individual loss of the person being laid to rest, you might want to consider whether your behaviour at a funeral is really appropriate. That's just my opinion though, some might disagree.

It's also possible that the people you are approaching feel the same as you.