Anyone else feel like this??

[Goodnightjude1]

And how do you make it stop/change it?

If something upsets me/bothers me/causes me pain/annoys me I don’t say anything. I don’t tell anyone in RL cause I don’t want them to feel the pain/upset too.
I’ve spent about 20 years on and off suffering with depression and I know it’d help to talk to someone in RL but I think when you’ve felt so worthless and low, you don’t want to transfer those feelings to someone else.
My Dp and kids are amazing. I’m so lucky to have the life I have but I bottle everything up. I write down all the things that upset me in the notes on my phone, then delete them. Because I don’t want anyone else to read them and be upset.
I’ve mastered the art of ‘being happy’ when I’m not. If you asked anyone that knew me to describe me they’d probably say ‘happy, outgoing, funny, loud, talks loads’ but in reality I’m sad, shy, quiet and anxious. Any new situation has me worrying for days. Starting at a gym, getting a bus on a different route to normal, going to something at DC school, even having to ring someone I don’t know about something. I feel pathetic and I feel like a fraud.
How do I change? How do I tell people how I feel without fear of upsetting them? How do I make myself feel like the person people think I am?

Oh wow. Guess it’s not just in RL I have nobody to talk to.

I'd see your gp, they should be able to help. Avoid drug routes, but they can offer counselling, cat etc and assessments for diagnosing an issue eg Asd, anxiety etc

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and I can identify with a lot of what you’re saying. I think a lot of it starts with changing those thought pathways - capturing those negative thoughts and throwing them away. You are worth caring about and loving so people - especially your dp- want to know how you’re feeling and what you’re struggling with. You’re worth loving and he wants to know everything about you. By not telling him what you’re feeling you’re living a secret life which promotes isolation. Let him into your thoughts and feelings. Openness promotes intimacy and closeness. It will start to become more natural the more you do it. Let him into your pain. Let others in. Then you will start to get the support you need. This life isn’t for walking alone.

Thank you both. Me and dp are very close, spend most of our time outside of work together. We enjoy pretty much all of the same stuff, running, live music, cinema, football...we love the same places and just being together. I guess there’s part of me that worries that I’m letting him down if I tell him how I really feel sometimes

He wants to know everything about you - including how you’re feeling. Imagine it the other way round and he wasn’t telling you how he was feeling or struggling with things. You would probably feel shut out. He’s committed to you so share it with him.