Encourage independent thinking/self entertainment in 7 year old

[Cabbagesoupsucks]

Right my 7yr old has never been able to entertain himself. I've probably done a million things wrong to get to this point. But he literally can't think of what to do himself. If I'm not playing with him or providing the entertainment in some way, then he wants to watch TV. All the bloody time. If I try and get on with something else like a job round the house or doing something for myself, he is pestering me unless the TV is on. He will wind up his sister and hurt her etc until he gets his own way. I can set up certain activities e.g. painting or playdough but they only last 10 minutes or so before chaos errupts. When he does do things by himself, quite often it's experimental mischief and attention seeking e.g. painting his whole body, filling a balloon up with water, using a loo roll to decorate the toilet. He will only ever play happily by himself in the evening after his sister has gone to bed, if he is allowed to stay up a bit. I believe he needs more physical stimulation. He has never been one to play with toys in imaginary play. He will do a jigsaw but wants me there all the time. If his sister has a friend over to play, he will deliberately annoy them even if they are letting him play, unless I put on the TV. I end up letting him watch too much just to get some stuff done and it's exhausting and a bad habit. How can I encourage him to entertain himself

Hit send too soon. I'd love some advice and tips.

An easy bad habit to fall into.

Could you say you need him to entertain himself for 10mins without getting into any mischief. If he manages it then you'll do X with him/put the TV on/bake together/read together etc.

Each day do the same but add a minute every time so he gradually gets used to entertaining himself for longer and longer. Generally with 'you' as the the reward so that he doesn't feel the need to play up for attention as he knows it's coming.

You could even give him challenges - your best Lego creation in 20 mins while I see if I can get the washing up done in the same time etc. Set a timer, go!

I offer to let him sort the laundry . Strangely enough, he always manages to occupy himself sensibly instead. I only allow tv after a set time so they know there's no point asking me before,

I usually try to spend some one-on-one time with my DS before I ask him to play independently. I “fill up his tank” so to speak and then he’s content to occupy himself.
Sometimes my DS will pick something to play with but sometimes he needs an little inspiration. I might help him build a fort or start a block city for him.
Although I don’t interrupt, I do respond once or twice to requests to “watch this, Mum!” I admire what’s going on, comment on how nicely he’s playing, and maybe ask a question (“did your fireman make any rescues today?”).
Then he’s back to his play and I’m back to housework! If he keeps wanting attention from me, I’ll let him know I’m busy and he will have to wait.
Try setting a timer and explain that he has to stay playing in a certain area until it dings. Give a reward like screen time when he achieves it.
Also try giving him tasks or investigations to do. My dc were occupied for ages yesterday when I asked them (for no particular reason, other then I needed to make a few phone calls!) to test a variety of different carrier bags to see which one could hold the most tins of soup before breaking. They couldn’t wait to show me their results when they had tested out all 17 bags! Car washing is another good one. Oh, and the other day I asked them to count all the different colours of cars going past the house to see which was the most and least popular in 10 minutes. They fell for that one too and we’re sitting on the drive with a clipboard, pen and paper! I might ask them to repeat that investigation to see whether time of day affects the results!!!

Can you insist he plays in his room for 20vmins so he can't bother his sister? We sometimes compromise and let DS play/write coding games on the PC when we need to get stuff done as he'll happily entertain himself with that but I feel happier than when he just watches TV.

Some children are naturally better at this than others, plus you can't undo 7 years of learned helplessness all at once, so don't expect too much!

I have always responded to "I'm bored" by suggesting that anyone bored does/ helps with an unwanted, dull task - age appropriate from sorting socks from the clean laundry to cleaning up the kitchen to clearing out the garage suddenly the child or young teen in question develops an urge to read, draw, call for a friend, play independently or whatever That won't happen all at once if he's totally unused to entertaining himself and has always relied on being adult led of course.

You do right to try and help him squire this skill, for his sake as well as yours. As others say start with short bursts of time (use a timer - hour glass or stop watch) rewarded with your full attention before and after. If he annoys or hurts his sister he apologises and does one of her household chores or something nice (if she doesn't have any chores) for her to make up for it, and stays away from her for longer. If he refuses to occupy himself with Lego/ playing in the garden/ drawing/ reading or whatever you give him a dull task which can be done solo, like tidying the cutlery drawer or a low cupboard, or pairing socks, and ignore protests.

Be consistent and build up the time he is expected to entertain himself for slowly, starting at 10 minutes until you get to a reliable half hour.

I’ve got a DC who isn’t into imaginary play or crafts. But he does like building things (Lego or similar), physical activity or playing the piano. So it would be no good me setting up a craft activity and expecting that to hold his attention. If you think he needs more physical activity, how about installing the 7-minute exercise app for kids on your phone and giving him that to do. Would he like to start learning a musical instrument (and the practice sessions will give you 15 mins of peace)? You say he likes jigsaws but needs you to do it with him - I agree with Ricekrispie that it’s normal for kids this age to want your encouragement, so accept that you’ll have to go and admire his progress every few minutes, but don’t actually help him do the pieces. If you have chores to do, ask him to help you - I find that a kid who wants some attention will prefer to help with the laundry than play on his own! Definitely be firm with the TV - at the moment he’s learning that if he nags enough he gets rewarded with the TV.

Totally agree with setting a timer for him to play by himself, then reward with attention
I got some 10 minute and 20 minute eggtimers from Amazon, so this also works with my 3yo who can't read clocks.

Play on your own for ten mins, and then we'll do a jigsaw/play a game/make a tower for 10 mins, and repeat.

Thanks. I'll have a look into some of those ideas. He actually loves helping with chores. He hates being on his own so won't stay in his room and will have a massive meltdown if I try to enforce it. I've been doing the strategy of setting something up, playing for a minute or two and then getting up to nip to the loo and leaving him to it. I used to love playing in my room so can't understand why it's not appealing. I suspect when he is a teenager I'll moan I never see him. But yes it's important that he finds other ways. I think I'll enforce a digital . detox

My DD has/ had an incredible imagination and was excellent at creative imaginary play but she never played in her room and didn't like being on her own until, as you say, she hit her teens. Even as a teen she spends less time than most in her room - she's usually in the living room reading or listening to her music through blue tooth headphones rather than shutting herself away. I'm also quite antisocial and spent my pre and early teens begging for a kick on my door to keep my sister out (my parents insisted I couldn't stop her sitting in my doorway, which she did to taunt me so she could tell tales if I shouted or snapped at her to get out of my room,) so it was new and unexpected for me too!

No need to force him to play in his room, but use the timers to get him to entertain himself without constant input, doesn't matter if he's in the same room.

He doesn't have to "play" of course, if he'd rather fold laundry, pair socks or peel potatoes or dust the living room or unpack the dishwasher why stop him! Equally it's as legitimate if his way of entertaining himself is to read comics or a book, or to do an exercise routine - my 8 year old has a pull up bar and a boxing stand and uses tins of beans as weights and has a routine including those, star jumps, press ups and sit ups which he invented himself and does several times per day at random - he can't stay still. He might want to play solitaire with cards or yes learn an instrument or do crosswords or word searches or a puzzle book. It doesn't have to be fantasy or craft play. He should be able to do a task or play or in some way exist while awake without demanding attention for ten minutes, building up to longer periods though.

• lock not kick