Friend about to go on dialysis, doesn't want a kidney donated

[Waytooearly]

This is a weirdly specific issue I know but I could really do with some venting and/or advice.

My friend has stage 5 kidney disease and needs a transplant. He's going on dialysis this week.

They've tried all treatments, nothing has worked.

His sister, anther friend, and I have put ourselves forward as donors. Actually his sister is the least favoured choice because the condition is genetic.

He's told us that he doesn't want a donated kidney. As he puts it, having suffered with the disease himself he couldn't live with the guilt of making someone else unwell. Maybe he'll go on the wait list for a cadaver kidney.

What?

Other friend and I have told him that the testing process for donors is rigorous and they won't take a kidney unless someone is on tip-top health. That a person with one healthy kidney has a perfectly healthy life blah blah.

He's unmoved by it all. Other friend has given up. I had a frank talk with him and told him I wouldn't offer unless I genuinely wanted to, that the discomfort of an operation was nothing compared to watching a friend suffer. I've got savings, can take time off work, all good.

He still just doesn't want to hear it. I don't know if it's something psychological happening with him. All of the other kidney patients I've met would jump at the chance for a donor!

I guess I just need to let it go. I can't force the issue. Anyone else experience anything remotely like this?

Wow poshjock, thank you so much for sharing all that. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles.

My H. had polycystic kidneys. He had a transplant in 1990 and it lasted ten years, although not without problems. The anti rejection drugs gave him high BP, cataracts and heart problems (quad heart bypass). After the ten years it rejected, he went back on dialysis and died of sepsis seven years later, (although we did manage to have some nice holidays along the way). People think that a transplant is the answer to all their problems, but it can be only the beginning!

Bless you single. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear about the lovely holidays.

Thanks waytooearly. All I'm saying really is that a transplant isn't a cure-all, and can cause as many problems as it solves. I expect your friend has done his research and knows this, apart from not wanting to put his friends through what is quite a traumatic procedure having a kidney removed.

I’m sorry op - but you need to let your friend make his own choices. Pushing a point won’t help. Being a live donor has some serious risks to both of you.

I had to have extensive testing, and psych evaluation, more testing, it went on for a while, they wanted everything in place and ready to go as soon as the recipient was well enough. However my recipient died before a transplant could take place.

I was asked and told repeatedly (by doctors/consultants/and the recipient) of the risk and I had the option to back out at any time. I would have done it in a heartbeat despite the risks, to myself, however if the recipient doesn’t want one there is little you can do to change your mind.

I should add the recipient had the option of 3 living donors, I was the closest match but also had the most to risk so to speak. It was a hard decision to make and I did have times of doubt thinking was this the best idea? The recipient wasn’t keen on it being me but as I was the best chance of it not being rejected agreed.

It’s not always sunshine and roses.