If you live with a hoarder, how do you make a succes of it?

[MerchantOfMenace]

We need to have a clear out before having work done on our house in a few weeks time but already old resentments about each other's clutter are surfacing.

Neither of us are neat freaks and being in middle age we've accumulated a lot of stuff over the years - both our own and from family members who have died. Luckily we live in a good sized house that can generally take it. However, as always when we reach a point where something has to be done, we're not handling it well.

My DH has had many different hobbies over the years but when the hobby goes, the paraphernalia stays. He has boxes of stuff right from childhood throughout the different phases and interests in his life. We also have similar from several of his close family members who have died.

Meanwhile I feel like everytime we have to find space, it's my stuff that goes to make space for his. To begin with that was ok as I don't mind a good clear out, but now it feels like my personality doesn't make much of an impression on our home anymore because I've gradually reduced my possessions and I'm taking up a smaller and smaller space. We moved a couple of years ago so I reduced my clutter but DH brought his in many boxes that have never been unpacked or sorted - we have a whole unused room that is full of boxes.

I understand that grief can play a part in this but it feels like the living are being squeezed out and we're definitely not making the most of our home.

If this sounds familiar, how do you cope?

Bumping this thread for you, OP. Hopefully some wise MNers will be along soon...

Hi OP,

How does your DH respond to you when you suggest sorting out some of his stuff and moving it on?

I'm in exactly the same position in that I've reduced my possessions and they're neatly stored in a small area whereas dh's are all through the house and everywhere.

I did tell him outright that it was a selfish thing to do and that someone would be left to clear it all up after his death which seemed to make him think as he had his parent's house to clear and it was a nightmare.

I took him to IKEA to get storage boxes so he could at least store things neatly. Also, going through cardboard boxes with him to rationalise them into the storage boxes helped.

Sometimes, if you tell them you're having a spring clean and a clear out they'll leave you to it then you can get rid of some stuff that they won't be aware of it going. You have to have a knowledge of their hobbies though and of how likely they are to return to it in order to judge whether or not you can risk a chuck out. Anything valuable or rare collections can't be touched, but random collections of electrical wires, components, old shite, cardboard, wood, textiles, beakers, broken things etc. you can often risk chucking.

Thanks for your replies. His usual response to decluttering is to point out my or the kid's stuff rather than confront his own - this makes me increasingly angry so not a good starting point.

Some stuff has value so not keen on chucking out without him knowing - I'd also be very upset if he chucked my stuff on the quiet - although good idea about thinning out the random shite. I like the storage box idea - I will try that with a view to bringing the "storage room" into use which is currently a terrible waste of space. IKEA beckons!

My dh is a fucking awful hoarder. I’m not sure I’ve really hit upon an adequate solution.

The main living areas are clear.

Front room - ok, minor clutter of paperwork around his laptop.

Playroom - full of the kids toys, I send stuff off to the charity shop every few months

Kitchen diner - the main room we live it, it gets messy but we clean / tidy as we go.

Bathroom - ok

My office / laundry room - very cluttered but it’s my mess

Kids rooms - mess but they tidy and clean them once a week for pocket money.

Dh & my room - varies between being very tidy and a cluttered nightmare. I have been known to withhold sex until he clears it up.

Dh’s massive attic room - oh my fucking god. It’s a thing of nightmares. And the hoard keeps creeping down the stairs. I’ve given up on the attic but I’m trying to keep the stairs up to it clear.
—I could just let natural justice do it’s worst and let him break his neck trying to get past the god awful hoard—

In short I’ve got an agreement that he keeps most of the hoard in the attic but it’s a constant battle to stop it spilling out into the rest of the house.
Best of luck op it’s not easy living with a hoarder.

Some of us on the decluttering one thing a day thread (in Housekeeping) have found that our families slowly get on board with decluttering, as we go along. So, one tip is to just go about your business, decluttering your own stuff and watch as they catch the bug.

Another tip might be to use matching storage boxes in a shelving system in one room. At least that way, it contains the clutter and looks better. Maybe this room could be the garage or a guest bedroom so you're making better use of the space? Also, date each box so you can see in the future how long it's been since you used the stuff.

Another tip could be to give him one room for him. Let him do what he wants with this room, with the agreement that you get to create a nice home with the rest of the house.