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Original poster

How do I help DS following break-up?

18 replies

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 07:26

My 19 year old DS has just broken up with his first serious girl friend and he's absolutely devastated. It is her decision and all he wants is for her to change her mind.
He hasn't eaten for 3 days and says he feels sick. He just keeps breaking down into tears.
How can I support him and help him to feel better? It's breaking my heart seeing him.like this.
To make it worse she has said she will come and see him in two weeks to see if she has changed her mind. He obviously wants to see her but is also dreading it.
Just to explain they are at uni together and now home for the holidays.
Hope that all makes sense. Just want some advice on how to help him.

OP posts:

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 30/05/2019 12:16

Just bumping this thread for you, OP.

Original poster

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 13:06

Thanks

He's got up and had bath but still really tearful and says he can't eat.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 13:11

Poor boy. It's such a rite of passage, but I think we all know how awful he feels. All he can do is to get through it. Does he have good friends he can talk to? It's horrible to see them so upset, isn't it?

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mcmen71 · 30/05/2019 13:28

@makemedoit your poor ds. This happens to most people a few times in their lives unfortunately he can't make her be his gf.
Tell him to organise going out with friends or family to take his mind off.
Take him away for a few days.
Get him messaging other people

How long where they together. Maybe she just needs a bit of space.

Original poster

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 13:35

They've been together 10 months and pretty much spent all day every day together at uni.
Yes we've all been there.
He's usually really resilient so seeing him sobbing day and night because he wants her to change her mind is heart breaking and doesn't know what he can do to persuade her.
He's got lots of friends but isn't great one for going out at the best of times.
I've suggested a walk but he just wants to curl up on the bed or sofa.
She was supposed to be coming on holiday with us so there's that bit of the mess to sort out as well.
Just want to make him feel better.

OP posts:

Kez200 · 30/05/2019 13:43

When I was 19 I broke off with my bf of 4 years because he was seeing someone else but wouldn't admit it. I was devastated.

I wasn't a drinker but I drank rather too much for a few days and then regained my composure and got on with life. He went back to Uni and moved in with her. I decided that I would throw myself into my study and work and three years later fully qualified - so it had a good outcome.

I met my DH towards the end of that 3 year period and we have been married 28 years now. I have never forgotten the feeling, but it is suspended in time now. Its doesn't emotionally affect me now but it was a big part of my life, so its not something you ever fully forget.

Actually he then did the exact same thing to the girl he moved in with a few years later, although he has now been with his wife for eons, so presumably at last he found "the one".

What advice do I have? Just to say that the pain will fade but the memory will always be with him. He will meet someone new and date again but it doesn't have to be now. Have a blubber then throw himself into something worthwhile until he starts to get back to feeling normal again. Its OK to be sad.

All the best to him. Its an awful, awful time.

Mythreefavouritethings · 30/05/2019 14:13

You’re doing more than you think before being there and letting him get things out. If he can do some little things just for a bit of distraction, whilst she’ll still be on his mind it dims the focus slightly. Like any loss, recovery comes gradually when you suddenly realise you actually enjoyed some food or something made you smile. It hurts but we can’t take it away, as glib as it may sound, we have to have these moments. He’s one step closer to better times ahead. Good luck to him, and he’s lucky to have such a lovely, caring mum.

Original poster

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 15:53

Thank yiu everyone. Its hard to say to him that time will help and he will feel better. I remember my own mother saying that she was fed up of me crying over a boyfriend when i was about 20 and it has always stayed with me and meant I haven't told her things subsequently. So I am really conscious of what i am saying to him.
One of his friends has come round which is great.
I was supposed to be going away with my partner this weekend but don't want to leave him. Just trying to work out how to tell DP!!

OP posts:

WhiteDust · 30/05/2019 16:11

Poor lad. Just be there for him OP. Nothing else you can do. He needs to be able to cry it out so it's good that he's at home.
He'll put on a brave face when he goes back I'm sure but it'll take time.

Hortz · 30/05/2019 16:22

Oh for the days when you could pick them up and hug it better.
It's so hard, I've been through this with DS several times.
Lots of TLC.
Let him talk endlessly to you about it.
However you feel about her hurting your boy, never say anything negative or bad about the girl.

Original poster

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 16:26

Yes trying hard not to say anything negative about her although obviously I want to!!! Have also resisted messaging her and telling her to leave him alone now.
There was talk of them face timing tonight.
He has let me hug him.a few times while he's been crying.
It was so easy when he was little!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Makemedoit · 30/05/2019 16:27

My own brother committed suicide at 18 and so am very conscious of his mental health.

OP posts:

fussychica · 30/05/2019 17:51

If its just the two of you at home I'm not sure I'd want to leave him alone while he is this distraught unless you know a friend will stay or he could go to them.

Yes, yes to not bad mouthing her, you never know they might land up getting back together. I broke up with a boyfriend for 14 months to go out with someone else. It made me realise I still loved him and we got back together and have now been married for 40 years, so stranger things have happened.

He's lucky to have a mum who cares so much.
Hope he feels better soon.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 30/05/2019 18:10

You sound like you're doing everything right, OP. Absolutely agree say nothing negative about the gf, you never know how things may pan out. Just a lot of reassurance from you, what will be, will be, etc. Sooner or later he'll have cried himself out, but the early days are so painful. Hard to watch as a mother, too.

mcmen71 · 31/05/2019 10:26

how is your ds today.
Did his ex facetime him last night

Original poster

Makemedoit · 01/06/2019 01:27

Last night was terrible. Yes they face timed and she told him there was no way back. He was just a sobbing mess for the whole evening / night. It was awful to see him like it. It broke my heart.
Today has been a little better. He ate half a slice of toast for breakfast and a small bit of pasta for lunch. One of his friends has invited him to stay for a couple of days. So I persuaded him to go and dropped him off this evening. Am hoping this will be a good distraction and give himself something else to think about. I have told him to eat little and often and his friend has promised to.look after him. I have told him that it says a lot about him that he has such good friends.
He starts a summer job on Monday so am again hoping this will be a good distraction for him.
I just need to sort out the holiday that she was supposed to be coming on with us. Not sure if her money will be refundable or if we can get someone else to.come instead. I discussed it with him this afternoon and he says that she had told him that it was up to him whether she came on the holiday. But I absolutely think this would be the worst thing for him and so need to make some other arrangement. He just isn't in the place to make decisions at the moment.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2019 01:33

No you’re right she should definitely not go on the holiday - that will not be good for his mental health and his ability to move on. It’s worth losing money not to have this kind of impact.
Wishing him all the rest. It will get easier and you sound like you are both doing all the right things

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 01/06/2019 06:29

She shouldn't come on the holiday, or expect her money to be refunded. She's said there is no way back so it would be disastrous for him. Years ago I met a couple who were on a group holiday having split up. He acted as though he was a free agent and she was utterly miserable the whole time. It was a very sad sight.

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