My teenage daughter has moved out and I don't know where she is

[MyNameIsFartacus]

My 17 year old has packed her bags and left (nearly a week ago now). She isn't really speaking to me, won't answer her phone, short replies to texts only. I know that she has stayed at my mum's, my sister's, and on friends sofas.

For context, she was asking for money to do something and I told her (again) that I really wanted her to look for a part time job. I haven't got any massive expectations for this but at 17/nearly 18 I do not feel I should be funding her social life and she is old enough to go to work for a few hours a week. She does go to college albeit only when she feels like it. She is also autistic, but believe you me she manages most things pretty well when it suits her or is in her interests (she spends a lot of time socialising with friends/drinking/smoking) and that is definitely not a reason for her not to be able to have a little job. I have offered to help fill in applications or whatever for anything she is interested in.

When I asked her to look for a job this escalated rather quickly into her smashing holes in the wall and calling me a c**t and telling me she wished I was dead, and she packed her bags and went.

Have I been unreasonable? I have said I'd rather she came home so we can work things out but she has refused - so I suppose she would be deemed as currently homeless? I just don't know where to go with this but I am very worried about her.

Eek, teenagers! Do you think she may be embarrassed now she's had time to cool down, may not want to face you and have to have a conversation and face up to her behaviour? If you've previously had a good relationship she's probably feeling as bad as you are. Don't give up, keep texting, telling her you love her and want her home. Iv no more advice than that, I hope she comes home, keep us posted

She's not homeless. She has a perfectly good home with you.
You might like to join the ongoing thread on the teenagers board though.

Keep the door open to conversation. Can you see her Instagram or FB social media to get a general feel for how she’s doing?
I use to track their bank card activity which helped occasionally.

Don't give in though, will you? Don't give her the money she wants. That would be rewarding her for bad behaviour and teaching her that she can do this whenever she wants something. She's safe enough for the time being, until she runs out of sofas to sleep on. Tell her she's welcome to come home, and you'll help her look for a job.

God this sounds like my dd17, I'm sure she'd have moved out if she had somewhere to go, although I'd never tell her to go.
My dd has dropped out of college, is looking for work, but isn't getting anywhere, her attitude sounds similar to your daughters, I been called a cunt many many times for not giving her money, she does nothing to help around the house, and can't even keep her bedroom tidy.
Just know that you're not alone having a surly teenager, and that she'll most likely be back very soon

I don't know if she will come back, if she is as pigheaded as I was at 17 then she won't! I don't give her money no, only for essentials like lunch at college - I told my mum off for giving her some money the other day! DD doesn't want to face me I imagine as she is actually making an idiot out of herself because she knows she's unreasonable for refusing to look for a job - I have pointed out many times that I work (lots of) extra shifts at work to pay for things that we want / need, not for her to sit on her backside with her hand out, therefore I am a c**t!

No you are not unreasonable. I have a 17 yo too. There aren’t that many jobs around. How hard is she looking?

I have a 17 year old dd too. She seems to have got worse this year.
Biggest issue here is laziness and money. On top of that you can't speak to her without is escalating really quickly, she shouts "I dont need this now I'm busy/tired/anxious/rowing with bf/doing college work etc etc"
She is going on hols with a friend and her family needed to save up a certain amount of money. She has little job in soft play and has been saving but was still short. I was happy to top it up as well as buy her a few holiday bits but she decided to spend her last wages on food over the weekend as she is "a hungry person" 😡 I was furious and tried to discuss it so she told me it was none of my business and that there is something wrong with me even her brothers say so (adults)
I'm now in a position where I either send her away with not enough money or end up subsidising her.
Obi will have to cough up as it's not fair on the family who are taking her.

Mine is really struggling to get a job and has been getting by doing odd jobs for me and my mum. When I found out he was spending his (our) money on weed, I stopped his cash flow and told my mum if she really needed to pay him for cutting her grass, to give him an Amazon voucher.
He’s not a happy bunny, but boundaries.

There are plenty of seasonal type jobs around where we live but she won't even apply, tells me to stop giving her shit and that she feels like crap (MH wise) and that I'm pushing her to the edge, but these "issues" only really happen when she has to do something like go to college, she manages to spend ALL of her time out with her friends the rest of the time, doing whatever she wants!

And NC4Now I have forwarded a load of job adverts to her and offered to sit down with her and help her apply, what she really would like me to do is go to the interview for her and do the job for her and give her the money I think!

You don't give your 17 year old any money?
She is at college- so in education?

She gets the absolute bare minimum in money from me, but she does get the things she needs bought for her if that makes sense. Yes she is at college and I support her through that but she has a say and a half off during the week where I can assure you she does very little

Yes she is at college and I support her through that but she has a say and a half off during the week where I can assure you she does very little

They are generally meant to study on days off. What is she studying?

She is doing a level 2 music practitioner course, and retaking her English GCSE. I can absolutely assure you she does not spend any time at home studying

Does she claim any PIP?

She gets the absolute bare minimum in money from me,

Why?

You are still receiving child benefit for a 17 year old (assuming income level below £60kish). You need to be supporting her.

You said she is autistic. How does that manifest?
Presumably this is part of the current problem? Does she have a therapist?

Applying for a job for the first time is damned scary. Actually attending that job is even more terrifying.

I'm not saying be easy on her but she is 17 and she is autistic.

Hanging out drinking and smoking with friends is easy compared to the unknown world of work.

Sounds like you need to work with her therapist to get her into a position where she feels capable of taking on a small job.

And she should be studying on her days off. If she is not studying surely you should be supporting her to do so? What is she going to do when her course finishes? As those courses don't really sound like they lead anywhere......

You also don't mention where her dad is. Can he help talk to her? Can your mum?

Sounds like you have 1 moody terrified child out there all alone who needs to find her way back home, to focus on her studies and gain some confidence to pick up a job so she has some more independence.....

Cannot be easy for either of you. I hope you both find the support you need.

Her autism manisfests through how she interacts socially with people. She is technically under CAMHS but didn't attended her last appointment despite telling me she would (I take her when I can but also have a full time job, it is hard). I have tried to get her involved in various youth organisations for building confidence and employment skills, counselling through college etc and she will not engage in any of it. We have been through the job application process once and she attended an interview (didn't get the position but I told her to chalk it up as good experience), and she spent about a month going out with my sister cleaning holiday lets which was wonderful, but clearly having her own money for that short time wasn't motivation enough!

She is believe it or not doing very well on her college courses, although she doesn't put in any effort. She is naturally very bright, she wants to be a sound engineer and is in a band (so capable of working as part of a team, creative and can stand up and perform on stage!). She certainly does the practice she needs to for when they have performances. She didn't do well at her GCSEs basically because of her dreadful attendance at school,her autism was diagnosed about a month before GCSEs. She will not study at home.
Technically the course she is on could take her through uni but she would need to put the effort in bigtime.

Her dad's dead. She never knew him l as I chose to leave when she was a tiny baby due to his serious abuse and he disappeared off the face if the planet, we found out he had died a couple of years ago. I am married and have been for a long time but she has never given my DH the time of day - that's another story really!

I have pretty much given her an open door to come home, have said I wouldn't mention anything about jobs etc but she refuses. I think she is being pigheaded now but that doesn't make me any less worried. If it helps I left home at 16 and got myself into a right old pickle (hence my daughter's existence...) so I sort of know where she's at!

I think you need to do some reading around autism. Her reaction to suggestions of doing something new are typical. A discussion about an allowance also needs to be had.

What @Gilead said.

Sounds like you need some support with this autism diagnosis and you have a very small window in which to make a difference so need to get on it fast.

She needs an agreed weekly allowance to give her a basic level of confidence and security. You are getting child benefit now and given she is autistic you will need to support her for many years to come so might as well get your head around it soon.

Btw You may have got into a pickle at a similar age but remember she is not you and you are not her.

Family counselling could really help you here. To come to terms with the autism diagnosis and what this means in real every day life.

You seem to be ignoring the fact she does have a diagnosis and you as her mum can be part of the toolkit to enable her to live a good and independent life. Being bright is not enough with this diagnosis. She needs support to learn how to deal with her differences.

This point in her life is a massive deal. Her friends will start moving on. How will she manage all of this when she is likely to have difficulty with new situations?

Female autism is often diagnosed later than for boys due to the differences in the sexes and how it manifests.

I hope you and / or your family can reconnect with her soon and help her into the next chapter of her life.

Good luck.