Has my depression returned

[GSL1516]

HI Everyone

This is a really scary subject for me as it has something that has plagued me for so long. Around 5 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, i told myself that I had fallen completely out of love with my fiance (now my husband). This went on for weeks until i went to the doctors unable to cope anymore and was prescribed medication, after a little while things got so much better and I felt myself again after understanding that what was going on wasn't fully me.

We started trying for a baby and where lucky enough to fall pregnant straight away, I stopped taking my medication as I felt that I didn't need it anymore. Everything has been fine until recently, my baby is now 3 years old and all of a sudden I am getting these thoughts telling me that I don't love my child.

Its breaking my heart as I love my little one more than anything but I fell numb inside at times and my head tells me that I don't feel anything. I would move heaven and earth for them but my head tells me that because my heart doesn't lift every time I look at them that that means I don't feel any love towards them.

I feel so sick and full of guilt for allowing these thoughts to enter my head and I know these are thoughts that many parents would have had and simply shrug away but I cant seem to let these go. I feel like my head is controlling my heart and I cant stop it form happening.

I am very lucky and have a very happy home life and feel like I am sabotaging myself, i feel like I am going crazy and that I am unfit to be a mother. My worry is that by going back onto my medication its like I am saying that my child wasn't enough to make me normal again.
I love being a mum and have no regrets but these thoughts run through my head 24/7. I just don't know what to do.

Go to your GP.

Only they can answer this really. You know in your heart of hearts that something isn't right. Talk it through with them.

You don't have to feel like this.

Good luck.

Agree you really, really need to get to the GP and tell them how you are feeling. If that seems to much then speak to the health visitor at one of child's appointments.

My worry is that by going back onto my medication its like I am saying that my child wasn't enough to make me normal again

No, what you're saying by going onto medication is that the chemicals in your brain are imbalanced.

There can be physical causes of depression including underactive thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, hormone imbalance - none of these would mean that your child isn't enough. Please see your GP and be honest.

It really, really doesn’t mean your child isn’t enough.

Depression is an illness, it’s a chemical imbalance and it’s easily fixed. You are normal. You are a good mum. Please speak to your GP so you can nip it in the bud again.

"My worry is that by going back onto my medication its like I am saying that my child wasn't enough to make me normal again"

If your kidneys didn't function properly, or your liver stopped working, would you expect your child be enough to fix those too? Would your doctor think that or your family or your husband? No, of course not.

The brain is an organ too. Sometimes it needs a bit of help getting better, correcting an imbalance like a pp said.

This is totally separate to your child, your love for them and your ability to care for them.

Your mental health is making you feel like this. Like you're not good enough, like your love for your child is not enough. It's all lies!

Go see your GP. Maybe look up different self help resources in the meantime, reframe your thinking and realise it's an illness (depression, anxiety) making you feel like this. It's not reality. I promise you xx

Thank you everyone for your input, having people reassure you that your not a terrible person is such a big help to me.

I thought I would update that I have been the doctors and have been put back onto my medication.
Instead of me looking at myself as a failure I am seeing this as me making a decision to give my daughter what she deserves which is a mum that is healthy.

After talking to my doctor I am already starting to see things differently and understand that my condition is making me feel this way and that feelings are not fact.
He also told me that often when our head tells us we feel this way it is often the direct opposite.

Thank you again for you helpful and supportive words, i was hoping never to go through this again but I feel strong enough to get to the other side as I have done before.

I’m so pleased you saw your GP. Well done x

Well done, I know how hard it is to go and the GP and take meds, so really pat yourself on the back.

Well done OP - I went to the doc a month ago and got meds too, and it's made such a difference already. It's not easy to do but you're well on the right track. I hope things are feeling much easier for you soon.

Bless you OP. Well done on going to the GP. I hope you start to feel the fog lift and you can enjoy this precious time with your little one. 😊