Did divorce turn anyone else into a vitriolic bitch?

[Grumpiestcat]

I am referring to myself, I'm ashamed to say. Recently gone through a (reasonably amicable but a few skirmishes) divorce after 17 years but it's as if my personality has totally changed.

I've ended up paranoid and I intuitively push people away. I don't trust anyone and I am always a hairsbreadth from saying something I regret, to my boss, to old friends, to relatives... I've said some things I truly regret to a few people and not all have forgiven me. I almost don't trust myself, so withdraw. I want to lash out at the world. These are decent people but I just have this background lurking feeling of paranoia that they're pretending to be nice, and any slight or criticism from them of course underlined this terrible feeling of the world being an unkind place where I'm on my own and nobody cares. I crave care but push people away.

I'm lucky to have a newish partner but I feel like a broken human being. Did anyone else feel the same? How can I get over myself?

Yes, me! My ex left around 20 years ago ( he had an affair).Try as I might, I've never really got over it.

A friend of mine says divorce turns everyone (men and women) odd for about two years!

Honestly, it is such a fundamental thing, it is bound to have an impact. Don't call yourself a bitch, just accept that you are experiencing some massive emotions. Have you talked to someone about it, e.g. therapist?

Im definitely odd! It fundamentally changes everything in your life doesn't it? Your home, your routine, friendships, how you spend your time, even what's in the fridge. Maybe my brain is just scrabbling through the files trying to work out who I am now and getting overheated.

I keep thinking of that scene in The Thick of it where Terry confronts Tucker about his out of control behaviour.

I went through a very acrimonious divorce where the finances took years to resolve. I vowed I would not let it change me, looking back now I cannot truthfully say it hasn't. I am not bitter and I know the best revenge is to live a happy life. However I do think I have possibly become hardened and certainly tolerate things less.

It changes your whole life, so you feel like you are starting from scratch all over again, and you don’t know who you really are, or who you can trust or believe..... that’s my experience anyway.

So be kind to yourself - what would you say to yourself if it was a friend of yours saying this? It will take time to settle into your new life and self

I haven't sought counseling but perhaps I should. I'm so angry all the time. Keeping it inside so the kids don't see it is painful. I suppose I'd tell a friend that time heals.

I dug out the clip I was referring to and have realised I am Malcolm Tucker. Or a Catherine wheel that's fallen off the nail

Well I quite like Malcolm Tucker. The world needs your kind, or nothing would get done and the evil would run riot. Go Tuckers!

More seriously, divorce is the moment when the future you planned and thought you had evaporates. The time you realise you did buy a pig in a poke. ETC. Like an earthquake, divorce takes your most basic stability away. So anger is a pretty logical response. But if it is spoiling your life in the here and now, I think getting some help with it is a good idea.

Sure, divorce will change you - it's may have given you a knowledge about human nature you lacked before. Is that 100% a bad thing? Well, it will make you more cynical, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Remember, being sweet and lovely is what allowed you to put up with a lot of nonsense in the first place. Being a little harder will serve to better protect you from involvement with further douchebags.

Loss of innocence is terrible, but it helps to see the other side of the coin.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you! It's a good point PicsInRed, I do feel like I spent so many years not being confrontational, it's all just coming out now. It's like I never learned to argue / don't really know how to argue when there's a sticking point or mild discomfort, I just explode or feel desolate. There's an element of grief to it too I think, sadness that all that hope and all those plans ended like this. And much as I don't want my XH back, I do miss him. And there's regret, for the things I did wrong in our marriage (nothing dramatic, I was just selfish at times)... Just constant waves of emotions I suppose.

I split up from my H four years ago and whilst the whole thing was amicable and no-one else was involved, since he announced his engagement in January I have felt increasingly angry and bitter about it. He's been incredibly generous financially to me (I have a big house so our kids can call it 'home' from uni/work) our financial order finishes in May 2020. He's decided he wants to pay it off in a lump sum so he can steam ahead into his new life with his new wife. But I am SO ANGRY about it! I cant envisage living with anyone again let alone marrying them even though I have been dating the same lovely guy for over two years. Mainly because I want the kids to come 'home' and spend time in their home with their mum rather than a relative stranger being there all the time.

Yes my cousin is living this now.

She went nuclear for around 18 months and is just trying to build bridges after I reached out to her as she literally had no one after being so caustic.

She is broken. 21 years she was with him, caught him cheating in the act.

I hope she will get some of her softness back but I’m not so sure. Even her face looks hard.

I'm also in the family home (which I bought him out of) so the kids could "come home", not because it's a lovely house particularly, but they're here the majority of the time, and my newish partner is not going to be moving in (and he's cool with that) - so like you Blobby I'm spending a lot of emotional energy providing lots and lots of security for the kids... really putting them first, whilst my XH has gaily trotted off into his shiny new life, new home etc. He said 50/50 care originally, that never happened, it ended up EOW and I didn't push him. But it's exhausting, I'm exhausted and I wish that he'd give me some credit for being the only really present parent in the equation, for facilitating his lovely new life.... but that'll never happen... He moved his girlfriend in at breakneck speed after we separated and the shock of that, not least imposing that on the children really winded me. He actually said to a mutual friend that he really felt he'd benefited emotionally from having some more time to himself (i.e. more time without the kids) since the split. Not how they might feel, not how I might have to pick up that slack. It's as if he divorced them as well as me. So hurtful when I think of what a great dad he was, and his children are drifting away from him in front of his eyes. Heartbreaking, actually.

Sorry, it's all coming out now!

I think therapy could serve you very well in these circumstances, Grumpiest. At the very least, it may give you some perspective and insight. At best, you may find you change (or perhaps you discover that how you are now is more 'you' than you had ever been during your marriage and the first half of your life).

Oh, bless, Grumpiest. I think finding your anger here is really very normal under such shit realisations.

And I still think therapy might be a life-changer. Perhaps even moreso now that you've written more.

Oh heck, that's a scary thought if this is the real me - but I do take your point, just writing it down is making me see how much I'm trying to unpick on a daily basis and its very knotty.

@Grumpiestcat I completely understand where you’re coming from! My kids are 19, 21 and 23 so never had contact issues but I hate that they prefer to be with their dad cos of course, he doesn’t have to ask them to help clear up or clean up after themselves! And of course, he and his fiancé have two full time wages paying for a house for just two of them whilst my wage pays for a house that’s too big for me most of the time . It’s not surprising they get skiing and hot holidays - I hate being so bitter tbh and conclude that I’m just a nasty person really which is why he’s been able to move on whilst I’m still trying to work out what she’s doing that I couldn’t/didn’t even though I didn’t want the marriage to continue either!!

MagicBrenda I understand where your cousin is coming from, it's scary and you're kind for giving her the benefit of the doubt and letting her back in. I think there are a lot of wounded women out there, many physically so, and far worse off than I am.

Sadly I'm at an age whereby I am witnessing the break up of a number of couples whose marriages I attended back in my 20s. There have been some lost friendships along the way when some individuals (men and women) have demanded I cease all contact with their exes and taken a hard line 'with me or against me' type attitudes. While I tried to allow for raw feelings and the turmoil these folk were going through it was just mentally exhausting dealing with them as everytime we met I was just subjected to a monologue of abuse at the ex. This shite went on for years in some cases and escalated into super toxic levels when new relationships were discovered.

PrawnoftheShedim sorry you were so badly treated and glad you've found happiness now.