Have you managed to stop worrying what people think of you?

[TammySwansonTwo]

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently. Both of my sons have been diagnosed with ASD - that coupled with the difficulties in diagnosing girls has made me wonder if some of my “personality quirks” might actually put me somewhere on the spectrum.

Most of it is no problem but there are a few things I wish I could change. First one is feeling so overwhelmed by lots of small things happening at once but I’ve already found strategies to try and reduce this. Then there’s the fact that I know I try to show empathy with people by relating their experience back to my own - I do it to be supportive but I understand it may not always come across this way so I’m consciously trying to curb this.

The one that’s really affecting my life is the fear of people thinking badly of me / disliking me, even when I don’t like them. This has been a theme throughout my life, all the way from school through to now in my mid 30s.

For example, I hired someone to repaint the outside of our house because it was looking very shabby and we don’t have a big ladder or the experience to do it well (and not much time given we have two children with additional needs).

DH and I are both really unwell with a bug (about the 10th bloody bug since January when our boys started nursery) so when the boys went down for a nap I lay on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I was very aware that there was someone painting my house and how they must think I was horribly lazy for resting while they were working. I couldn’t relax as all I could think about were all the negative things this person must think about me, my parenting etc.

I worry about whether nursery staff think I’m a good mum. I worry about other people thinking I’m fat / ugly / short / stupid / selfish / gross etc etc. Worrying what other people think is a part of my daily life - I recently spent a fortune on face products and make up because we were going on a very special night out to a fancy place and I was genuinely so worried people would think my skin was disgusting (now with some clarity I see my main issue was enlarged pores and a few lines, nothing anyone would even notice - I’m actually shocked by how much it took over my brain).

This then leads me to being a dreadful people pleaser which has awful knock on effects to my self esteem.

I don’t want to be like this any more. Has anyone managed to change this about themselves? If so, how?

Essentially OP you are judging yourself.

You cannot possibly know what other people are thinking about you.
80% of judgement comes from within.
They probably arent thinking about you at all and its egotistical/self absorbed to think in this,way.
Before you pounce on me,I was the same !

Now I worry much less and just dragged myself to the shop with no make up,unwashed hair and a streaming red nose .
So what no one will even remember I was there and we needed milk .
Its such a relief to let this go -can you seek counselling/possibly explore a diagnosis.
I have ASD traits but havent looked further as it doesnt really affect me now.
I just accept who I am

I had a straw that broke the camel's back. I had been trying so hard to fit in in Denmark and not be me and I still got called weird. So I thought fuck this for a game of soldiers. My hypothesis: Im perfectly normal and THE DANES ARE ALL WEIRD! It's them not me. I tell them this quite regularly and its really become a running joke amongst my colleagues.

I used to worry a lot about what people thought about me, and still do sometimes to some extent (but I think most people do to be honest.)

What helped me is realising that, essentially, most people probably aren't thinking about you at all. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives. And even if someone thought my hair was a mess, or my make up was smudged, what's the worst that could happen?

I care about what the people I love think about me, and colleagues (to some extent), but definitely not people I don't know well or random strangers.

It has taken me a long time but I mostly couldn't give a flying fig now. I'm putting it down to getting older and getting more life experience / being more comfortable in my own skin. Like Minttea2 says - most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice you & the things you're worrying about anyway.

That’s what’s strange - in general I am not egotistical in the slightest (quite the opposite - self-deprecating, putting others first to my detriment, generally surprised when people are considerate eg my sister telling a restaurant about my allergies in advance, I would obviously do it for her or others but don’t expect people to be thoughtful where I’m concerned, etc). I definitely don’t think people are always thinking about me, I just have this awful fear of people thinking negative things about me in passing, and I hate it.

I think it stems a lot from my childhood, I’ve had a lot of counselling and that’s helped with some things but not others. I’m incapable of saying positive things about myself for fear of seeming arrogant, even when I’ve achieved things that anyone would be proud of. I feel very uncomfortable if someone pays me a compliment.

I don’t think I need to pursue assessment / diagnosis - I don’t think it would be much use to me at this point in my life, but I do think there are traits that could be explained and maybe I need to be as understanding to myself as I am to my kids and to others!

OP I dont mean egotistical in the boasting sense.
Its the constant self deprecation, self criticism and always putting others first.

Strange but its the reflection on ones self of being "nice" that makes people do this.
Its Martyr complex .