WWYD - accused of "not speaking"

[PeppermintMe]

I've name changed. But old time Mnetter. here.
In the past two weeks I have had three different people 'accuse' me (and in one case quite aggressively) of "not speaking to them anymore". They've all been offish with me as a result.
However, all three of these people are men and I don't know whether this is affecting my judgement. One is my husband. One a colleague/vague friend. The last one is a friends husband.
I feel absolutely fucking livid with all of them for the following reasons:

1. I haven't at any time blanked any of them and have never been rude (always answered questions and said good morning or whatever but I haven't engaged anymore than politeness requires).
2. In my view it surely takes two people to "not speak". If they feel I am not speaking to them then surely the equivalent is true? They have also MADE NO EFFORT with me?
3. All of them have been accusatory in tone to me about it. None showed concern or any sort of gentle approach. As I mentioned, one of them quite literally started circling me like a wolf whilst raising his voice to me.

Actually as I have explained to one of them :yes I have withdrawn a bit from conversation. This is because none of it is EVER about me. I am sick to death of asking about their work/hobbies /families /thoughts etc and getting sweet FA in return! I have been interested and supportive for fucking years now and a few weeks ago it dawned upon me that I am a total mug! In fact, so much so that I got very paranoid and thought I should back off in case people think I am a crazy question asking stalker. AIBU? WWYD!?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think you might have predicted it - as you said, you were doing all the conversstional work and you've now withdrawn it. As they were too selfish to recognise that at the time, the only way they can understand what you've done is to accuse you of blanking them. I suppose all you can do is say 'I'm sick and tired of doing all the work in our conversations, from now on I'm only going to put the same effort in as you do. If you want me to talk nicely, you talk nicely with me.'

Well the colleague/vague friend and friends husband isn’t really a concern but you say your DH has said it. Why have you shut down from him?

If your not engaging in conversation and you say your not it can be hard to keep it going for the other person.

I say this as my DH is someone who will answer a question but then not really follow it up to engage the conversation such as - someone will say “hi, how are you?” And he will just say “fine thanks” then the person can get stopped at how to carry the conversation forward. Normally I take over at that point and help the conversation flow and he then gets more comfortable to talk.

A few of my friends saw him as rude but he is just shy and takes time to connect to people, once he is comfortable he is a chatty catty!

If you are someone who used to be chatty and suddenly shut down then I can see how could be upsetting for the other person especially if it’s your husband!

So why have you gone quiet with him, has he upset you?

He continually sort of upsets me by his total disregard for my opinion. He simply isn't interested?! He literally never asks. When I offer something he ALWAYS contradicts it (it's become a standing joke with my stepbrother who teases about it). If I said the sky was a beautiful blue he would come up with some sort of erudite explanation on why it was not blue and I was wrong. Again, why would I carry on trying?

But your not fixing anything by just being quiet - the atmosphere in the house must be awful!

It’s clearly a big issue so need to address it- suggest going to counselling to help your communication.

If he won’t go with you, I suggest you go for your own well being and just hearing from a stranger that it’s not you can help. They can give you the tools to get better communication.

Are you going to stay quiet forever while sleeping in the same bed?

Either need to address it or maybe leave but what your doing now isn’t healthy for anyone and will be you that ends up lonely and depressed.

Sounds like you have bigger problems, op. You need to sit down and tell your h how you feel. He sounds pretty inconsiderate. He’s supposed to love you and have your back, not criticise you all the time.

I have told him. Lots of times. We ended up having a big row last Burns night about this but nothing has changed. It's a forever ongoing cycle. Is the atmosphere bad? Well not really I don't think. We're not ignoring each other. I just don't go out of my way to engage and as he never engages me then there's really very little difference to usual?
And yes. I am lonely and depressed. Very much so. But honestly I think this partly because of these twatty men who are unable to communicate meaningfully with me and trying to blame me for it.

It doesn’t sound like he is going to change so maybe look and see what you can change.

No one should be lonely in a marriage. I honestly would suggest counselling even if go yourself - contact relate if money is an issue.

Break the cycle- don’t wait for the man to change look at what you can do to help you be happy, then see if that life can be shared with him.

Right now he has noticed a difference in you, instead of getting angry can you try a more calm approach with examples of when you have felt belittled by him. See how he reacts and if he is open to outward help.

when you say 'good morning' etc, do you look them in the eye and smile, or are you grumpy and curt?

I ask because in your original post you say three people have accused you of not speaking to them anymore. For most people a smile and a good morning is enough. No other conversation is needed if neither is in the mood.