Should I leave him after 5 years?

[lovelyanon]

So we've been together 6 years in September. When we got together he was a dj and he still is, he promised me he would 1000% leave his dj job once we had a child and I believed him. When I say he's a dj I mean he's worked in one place for 9 years so he's not doing big gigs in town. Anyway, he did actually leave once I was ready to pop and then after 3 weeks he was called back in and he was really nasty with me when I said he shouldn't be going back as he'll be drinking all weekend, late nights, hangovers and I was right although he says it's for the money. Money doesn't make us happy. Anyway I went through a real hard time of PND and I never told him as I didn't see the point, no body knew. A year on and he's still doing his job, although he did leave on nye and then was called back in to do Friday nights until this Saturday when the boss says the other guy was sacked can he help out for a few Saturdays. He knows I don't like it but he always says "why did you get with me then?!" But when someone tells you they're going to leave their job because they don't want to do when they've got kids why would I doubt him? Our relationship on the whole is great. He doesn't ever go out with friends as he's always working, he doesn't cheat, he pays for food, the lot. He's not your average guy and I don't say that lightly but this weekend has really got to me. The fact that he could go back and bring his friend back at 3am, keep me awake talking, and tell me I'm out of order because I dared to complain? And now he's been sat in bed all day and not spoken to me at all.

I say to him that he's more interested in making his boss happy than me happy, his partner, the mother of his daughter. It doesn't feel like he cares about my feelings and I know he doesn't, he's just a very cold person but his brothers and dad are the same so that's just him as a person. I don't feel appreciated and believe me I've mentioned this over and over and I get the same response, "I'm doing the job for money not because I enjoy it". He's more interested in making an extra few hundred a week than focusing on his family. He already has a day job, it doesn't pay good but he already has a job.

I can't live like this anymore and I don't know what to do other than leave but I don't want to. I feel so vulnerable my mental health can't handle it. What would you do?

By the way, before you say talk to him, I've already done that and got no where.

Why do you want him to change jobs ? Sorry it doesn’t seem clear to me

The DJ job is something he does in addition to his day job, for some extra money - am I reading your OP correctly?

Have you looked at other ways you could earn extra money - could you look at getting an evening job instead while your DP looks after your child?

Doesn't sound like the DJing in the problem, sounds like the fact he can't go to his DJ job and not drink etc. Why can't he just DJ sober and then come home? Has that been suggested as a compromise?
I'd be annoyed if he had said he was quitting and went back 3 weeks later as well. Maybe he really really wants to keep doing it but feels pressured by you to quit?
I think if he's as good as you say he is in all other aspects leaving is a bit over the top, you're probably extra emotional and angry because this weekend is so fresh. I think you should give yourself time to calm down and see how you feel, then try to talk to him and come up with some compromise you are happy with and that he will actually stick to.

I want him to leave because he's surrounded by girls, he's getting drunk until 3am every weekend and he spends all weekend recovering. It's not fair. I've had the silent treatment for hours

Then you have a DH problem not a DJ problem. I mean a male midwife works long hours surrounded by women. But if he was then getting drunk on weekends and ignoring his wife that would be the problem, not his profession.

Based on that, it’s not really about his job. If he’s being DJing before he met you it’s controlling to force him to change job.

The real problem is the drinking and behaviour on the weekend. The girls thing is ur problem - being surrounded by girls means absolutely nothing

Do you work OP?

I agree about looking for a compromise. He can carry on DJing, it's up to him how much he drinks and what time he gets home BUT he still has to be up in the morning looking after DD? It's completely unfair on you if he's hungover all weekend. What would he say if you suggested that?

I know a number of women who have dated dj's. They never grow up. Why would he when he has you at home looking after his home and baby and he can behave like a 21 year old - and bonus! Get paid for it!
This shit doesn't change. You'll need to be the one who decides it's enough, and leave.

I think you need to come up with a plan to replace the money he can earn then. Do you also work FT? If not, could you do extra hours?

@lovelyanon
You are deluded.

You say your relationship is great in other ways but it simply isn't. The rest of your post shows how badly he treats you! If there is any good in it, you certainly aren't showing it here.

You couldn't share your depression.

You had a child with him before he changed his job (so it seems.)

You feel insecure as he is with women in his job. He gets drunk which costs money and is terrible for his health (so he is not responsible parent.)

He will not engage with you to have a proper conversation about your unhappiness.

I cannot see anything good about him or your relationship at all.

before you say talk to him, I've already done that and got no where.

Does this sound like a great relationship to you? A MUST for a partner is that they take eachothers feelings on board and if this job is just for money that you are perfectly comfortable without and he does it anyway, knowing it upsets you (because you've sat down and calmly explained it to him) - he doesn't care about your feelings. That shit isn't fixable.

Also, you shouldn't feel vulnerable with someone you love, you should feel supported.

And I've had the silent treatment for hours
What sort of human over the age of 15 uses the silent treatment? Adults discuss things, they don't punish you for calling out their bad behaviour by taking huffs. There's something not right there.

My vote would be to leave provided you can financially support yourself. Hopefully you can have an amicable split at this point, which would be good for the kid. Wait much longer and things aren't going to improve by the sounds of things :/