How do I leave my lovely DP ?

[SunburntInMay]

My DP is lovely.
Like me he has his faults (lazy) but generally he treats me like a princess & wants the best for me.
I just don’t love him & at times dread going home.
We are early 50s & have been together 3 years.
He knows there is a problem & yesterday we had a lengthy text conversation with him saying it kills him that I’m not passionate with him & he feels me moving further away from him every night on the settee.
I was married for 24 years previously & my ex said the same thing.
Am I incapable of showing affection?
DP & I kind of ‘fell’ in this relationship.
I desperately don’t want to hurt him although I acknowledge I probably am already but I feel like I’m slowly dying inside.
I don’t have anywhere to go but I’m a survivor & would work something out.
I just feel like a coward for not being able to say the words 😢

I think you know what you need to do - you need to find the words to end the relationship. Yes he'll be hurt, but he's hurting now, and if he's a lovely man and you care about him that's not fair. It's tough, but you've got to take a deep breath and tell him.

Good luck.

Where did you live before? How come you've nowhere to go?

I must say I find it hard to sympathise. If you don't love him it's cruel to keep hold of him.

HennyPennyHorror - not relevant but not everyone is lucky enough to own houses etc. I left an abusive marriage with the clothes on my back .

Some people just aren't capable of feeling deeply (and I'm one!) You just have to give what you can. So long as your partner doesn't mind, it doesn't matter, but it looks like yours does mind.

It is relevant as you clearly need to leave him and if you’re asking for advice people can best help you with a bit more information.

Are you holding off because you’re living in his house? Is that how you fell into the relationship?

You’re being very unkind to him and if you can’t/won’t be an engaged party in the relationship then set him free and let him find someone who’ll suit him better.

Are you asexual OP? Because that's pretty much how I've felt about all of my partners and now prefer to live alone.

Are you asexual OP? Because that's pretty much how I've felt about all of my partners and now prefer to live alone.

respect to you for being true to yourself

You're 50. Well the menopause is likely to be a big factor right now in your life OP. Feeling like a sex kitten, hormones playing havoc, depression etc .....have you thought about a that? I'd just stop and think about that before you do go ahead with any major life changes.

Menopause or not I'd be looking to leave. Sounds like you need some time out.
Just because he's lovely doesn't mean he's the one for you.
Tell him as nicely as is possible.

It sounds as if you have a history of being withe men because you are terrified of being on your own and supporting yourself.

If you left your marriage and 'fell' into this relationship, you are unlikely to have done much living on your own (just guessing.)

Sorry if this is wrong.

It also sounds as if you need to think very hard about the men you choose from now on. One was an abuser, this one is a safe pair of hands but no sexual feelings. You chose him to give you a base and some security maybe?

I think whatever happens, you should consider counselling because it seems as if you need to talk over the way you get into relationships, why you settle for the wrong type of men ( 2 opposites.)

Being on your own is better than making mistakes.

You just need to be honest with him. Either you had feelings and they have died, or you never had an were carried away with the security he offered, compared to your abusive ex. There is a lot you could learn from all of this :)

If your ex was abusive, isn't it more likely that you had no safe way of expressing affection/had good reason to withhold and suppress it than you're incapable? Have you had any counselling or support dealing with your past? Did you go straight from the marriage to you current partner?

Did you have a gap after leaving your ex? Perhaps you moved on too soon into a safe pair of arms.If so, maybe you need to be happy on your own for a while before you can be happy in a relationship. Without sounding very corny-learn to love yourself before you love someone else.

Tell us the whole back story OP

You definitely need to end this relationship but advice will be more useful if we have the full picture.

Is there anything you could seek some professional help with? You've said some lovely words about him and hes clearly a decent man is there anyway it could be the previous relationship getting in your head?

It sounds as if you have a history of being withe men because you are terrified of being on your own and supporting yourself

You know your reasons, but I read it as you do not want to hurt someone you love more as a brother than as a partner. Maybe projection on my part, as I was in a similar relationship.

We were young, but he not only got over it but went on to have some lovely gfs and has been with the current one for over twenty years.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it slightly odd about him treating you "like a princess". It's not really what I'd be expecting from somebody describing a healthy, balanced relationship.

Have to say, I wasn't surprised by your update on your past relationship.

Why is it you dread going home? Just because you know it isn't right for you?

It is ok to move on if something isn't right for you anymore. You can't stay with someone just because you don't want to hurt them - it will do neither of you any good. Just be kind and clear about it, and make sure you don't give him false hope of reconciliation.

After you get through this bit, I do think it would help you to have some support on what healthy relationships looks like (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk) and some form of support with healing from your past experiences so you can have a different future.

You don't owe someone a relationship with you just because they've been nice to you.

If your ex was abusive, isn't it more likely that you had no safe way of expressing affection/had good reason to withhold and suppress it than you're incapable? Have you had any counselling or support dealing with your past? Did you go straight from the marriage to you current partner?

♤this

Maybe it's more about not being able to recognise what a real, happy relationship is though?

On the one hand OP was abused.
On the other she is put on a pedestal.

Neither is healthy.

A healthy relationship is balanced. Not where one person dominates the other OR makes them feel 'like a princess'.

Men who put their partners on pedestals often have their own issues- the overly 'nice guys' who want to be loved are often insecure or compensate for their faults by showering partners with gifts etc.

I wonder if he really IS nice or if the 'princess' behaviour hides something not so nice?

In either case @justathinslice you need I think to work on boundaries, expectations and your own self worth before you get into another relationship. Three years is a long time to be with someone (when they are a new partner in your middle age) if it's not working.

If your ex was abusive, isn't it more likely that you had no safe way of expressing affection/had good reason to withhold and suppress it than you're incapable? Have you had any counselling or support dealing with your past? Did you go straight from the marriage to you current partner?

IME this is common after abuse. If he is at lovely as you say is it worth exploring things in counselling? On your own at first