Ex saying he won't return Dd unless I do as he wants

[locketsprocket]

My ex has no parental rights and isn't on birth cert he lives about a hour away, current arrangement is every other weekend and we meet half way, at times where he has picked her up from home I drive all the way to pick up.

Every single Sunday he wants to meet early because football is on, he's going to mates for roast etc

So this weekend he asked to have her till Monday, I agreed and dropped her to him as I was going that way and said let me know when he's dropping Home Monday, he's no sending nasty messages calling me names making threats that I have to meet halfway and Dd is staying there until I give written agreement of meeting half way

Frankly I just don't see why I should, I've stuck to the agreement he hasn't... every month he messes me about with money always paying late, not paying enough etc

Am I within my rights to say right forget it I will meet you usual time on Sunday a 6pm (you can forget tlectra night now) halfway and if your not there then I will report to the police you have failed to return her

Id say get her back as he wants this time and then, for future, lay down some actual rules between you. Whats acceptable changes and whats not!

You are going to cause no end of difficulty for the sake of a half hour drive? I think you need to get something formal in writing about these visits in clouding who is responsible for transport but now is not the time when he has the baby in his possession. Go get the baby then go get a lawyer.

He is calling your bluff as he will have to care for her 24/7 whilst you are child free!

Tell him that you are recording any threats and that he either sticks to the arrangement or you will meet him halfway.

Only do this if he does care and look after the child. If there is a chance he will neglect her then go and get her.

We have a written agreement stating exactly what he wanted i weekend a month, 1 Saturday and 1 Sunday, I have this in writing from him also it states that for weekend access we both do full journey one each way

He kept cancelling he day access and then decided on every other weekend and I've just carried on with the half way

I've always allowed him extra at bank hold etc, always pick up early when it suits him etc

I'm just stick to death of the nasty constant swearing name calling messages that always end with end off that's how it is going to be to try and control everything

It was convenient for you to drop her off and deviate from the "norm". He doesn't want to deviate from the "norm" this time so I can sort of see his point. You are dictating and really any deviation should be mutually agreed - although he is being unreasonable given his other flakiness.

Pick her up this time then agree terms and stick to them. If he doesn't want to scratch your back, you don't have to scratch his.

I'm not worried he won't care for her or that he will keep hold of her surely a phone call to the police would get her returned straight away as he doesn't have any parental right... again this was his choice

He could be in our Pre arranged meeting place at the correct time yesterday as he had made plans with s mate so I said I can either drop her on way through that way or it would have to be Saturday morning as I'm working Friday night, he said drop her early

How old is your DD?

Unless she's very young, or there are concerned about her welfare, the police are unlikely to get involved without a court order.

Presumably he had a job and commitments that will prevent him being able to look after DD with so little notice?

He’s full of crap, he’s not going to take her on. He’ll bring her back if that’s the only option.

He obviously has no thought for DD who is being used as a weapon in the middle of this.

Dd is nearly 5

No he's doesn't have proper job, he's lost his business, does something but hardly any hours

Without court order? He has not parental rights surely not returning her would be classed as kidnap ??

He's just horrible and so controlling, won't let you talk just shouts over you, just tells you how it is and end off, I always give him extra days, weekends so he can take her to visit family etc

98% of the time he always wants to change things snd bring back early as it's inflicting on his social life

Now your losing your rag which wont help. The situation and people are who they are. Pick her up this time to suit him and protect your daughter from further adult arguments and bad language. Then hire some professional advice.

Sort getting her back now but refuse to drop her off there or half way again. Maybe that's not the most mature option...

it's abduction not kidnap but that's besides the point, is the written agreement between you or from the courts? i'd go along with him this time regarding picking her up then, refer it over to supervised access only.

Agree with whatever he wants this time as she is with him right now and then when you have her back get legal advice. I honestly dont think now is the right time to rock the boat however, I completely understand your frustration

He doesn't have parental responsibility, no-one has rights except the child.

You could speak to the police, but he's her father, she's not at risk and you allowed her to go so it's not abduction. With the PR situation they'd likely advise him to return her to you and get himself PR (when they absolutely wouldn't get involved without a specific court order saying that she is resident with you) if he wants to make decisions.

You really need to get into court and get the residency and access sorted out down on paper officially if he's going to be a twat. And now that he's been a twat don't be so flexible with his changes.

Start a diary. Keep any texts from him in case you need them.

Tbh if it suits you that he doesn't have PR I'd just go along with what he wants on this occasion. A call to the police might spur him into applying for PR.

This time I would collect her, then get it all sorted officially once she's back.

The only one that would suffer by the police getting involved would be your DD.

If he thought you were going out enjoying yourself then your daughter would be returned in a flash.

Fetch her. For her sake if anything else

I know my dd would be upset so be in the middle of conflict

Fetch her, and then sort it out properly through the court for the future

Well, you can be right or you can be happy. If you stick with being ‘right’ as in insisting he has to bring her home then he’s just going to keep her. If you want her back ie be ‘happy’, then you need to meet him half way on this occasion. Then get some legal agreements in place re access/child support etc. These ad hoc unofficial arrangements only work when both parents are totally invested in cooperating in the best interests of the children. Sounds to me like you are each too invested in sniping at the other for that to work, so court orders it needs to be.

Ex did something similar, despite us living very close he insisted on one do drop off and other collect. One time he wasn't able to confirm time so I said drop off when suits as didn't want to apply pressure for pick up time..thought no move about it but DC told me he went into rant with them and said I had broken court order which frightened them. The journey is around the corner!

I didn't react but just dropped & picked up the next few times and now he drops off & picks up without warning. Upshot he will do the opposite of what he thinks I want.

"Drop the rope" as this is a power struggle, he wants to be annoyed with you, he wants to upset you. Do the opposite and he will see he has no power.

I try to see the positives, you get an extra hour with your dd..he could have that time but chooses not.