Families and Second hand products!

[KittyCat2412]

Hello!

I am expecting my first baby in December! Yay.
But I have some questions and how to handle these things.

Firstly family, I love my partners family but I am having a few issuses especially with over the issue with naming our baby! Now me and my partner don't know the gender yet but we are just guessing at names. We liked the name Jack, but as my partners father said. "we should not name it Jack as there is a Jack already in the family. It will cause problems. 'You named it after me or you are copying'" is this okay? Should I change the idea of my child's name because of his family might kick off and will cause problems. Or shall I just politely tell them to go do one. I don't want to cause upset and harm in his side of the family because of a baby name. Secondly to do with family, I feel like I will be pressured into getting second hand things 'will get into that in a minute' or being overwhelmed by his family as this is the first grandchild with their last name! Is this also okay, or does anyone know any way to deal with this. I don't want to upset or hurt my partners family. But I don't want them overwhelming me or being not understanding on what I want during my pregnancy and when my child is born!

Lastly, second hand things! I have been told by my partners father that I would be better to buy second hand, due to our financial situation. But I do not really want to do this. E.g asking my sister in law for to have her pram as she has just had a child herself!
But this is my first pregnancy is okay to want to buy mostly everything brand new. Like a pram for example. I would really love to have a brand new pram and go pick out the one I want!
Is there any way of handling the suitation better than basically telling my partners family to do one or to help them understand that I want certain things as it is my first pregnancy.
I am find with second hand things but I would just prefer to go out and look and buy mostly brand new e.g bottles, clothes, a pram.

My mother is being the only one who understands this but I just want some else's opinion on the matter.
I just feel like my partners family is going to be too much and I don't know how to handle this.
They will try to help but I don't really want to be nagged at or overwhelmed with it. I do love my partners family and as my partner is the only boy in the family. They will try and do things. But it is my child and my partners child not theirs. Is this okay or anyone know what to do in this situation?

Thankyou.

KittyCat xx

I think the solution is to smile, nod and carry on as you were.

Stop discussing your private family arrangements with them. Call your baby what you want to, but don't discuss it until the baby arrives, then make the announcement. You might change your mind on the name when you meet your baby anyway.

Same with stuff, just get what you want to get. Entirely up to you. Second hand is useful for some things as baby grows so quickly, but if you want to buy new then do that.

Pregnancy is just the start of everyone giving their opinion on what your doing wrong!!

Congratulations and try to ignore.

You really should get second-hand things in a lot of cases - you can save 50-90% on a lot of kit that the kid'll grow out of in no time. But yeah, go for new if you like - it's your first, you'll learn your way as you go.

Getting second hand where you can is better for the environment and will save you loads. E.g. I recently got a travel cot for £30 off Facebook Marketplace. Same one is £130 new. I literally chose the one I wanted, then looked to see if I could get it second hand. Saves things going to landfill and saves you £££.

Baby clothes are often worn only a couple of times as babies grow so quickly. Buying second hand I have got "designer" items for £1-£5 an item instead of £30+. In as-new condition. I don't understand the fixation with wanting new, especially if money is tight. Seems wasteful.

You need to look carefully at safety when it comes to second hand equipment. Check each item offered for recalls. If an item has no identifying marks or no way to tell when it was manufactured, refuse it as you have no way of knowing if it has been recalled.

Get your own bottles, car seats, cot, pram, buggy, pack and play, cradle, moses basket, bouncy seat if there is any question about safety of items offered.

Accept second hand baby carriers and slings but beware of some brands that are narrow in the bottom that can cause hip dysplasia.
hipdysplasia.org/developmental-dysplasia-of-the-hip/prevention/baby-carriers-seats-and-other-equipment/
Also look at slings and hip dysplasia.

Second hand clothing is usually perfectly fine as long as it is in good condition.

If you're planning on having several children then by all means invest in your own items, but be aware that you will end up forking over a lot of money.

How do your ILs know so much about your financial position?

Names stop discussing or throw them some daft options, Ermintrude for a girl. There is a thread in baby names where the Op is trying to get some names for DC3 to derail the Granny. It's a bit cheeky and presumptuous to ask for a child to be called after you.

Stuff, babies go through tons of stuff, decide what you really what to buy new but keep the second hand option open. So much stuff is only used for a short time, and will have plenty of life left in it.
My change table I think to buy new would have been £300. It's rock solid M&P. I picked it up for £20. I will probably Freecycle it when I'm done with it. It could do with a lick of paint but it has done me.
I bought a tommee tippee food prep steamer thing for £35 sold on for £30.

Never discuss a babys real name. Just throw out random options and then announce the real name when the baby is here. ( but not Jack...as it's all over the place and your ds will be surrounded by Jack's!!!!)
Maybe give your fils name as a second pr third name to keep him happy.
I liked to get my own pram. I was happy to use the family Moses basket as it was like a piece of history in the family. Your decision. And get your dh to tell them if they keep insisting.
I wanted new clothes on my babies for the first while as so new but was happy with second hand later but no stains. I cried when friend gave me clothes with stains thinking it was an insult to my beautiful baby.
So you decide what youre happy with. But no complaints about money to inlaws.

Buy new, keep in good condition, sell on eBay afterwards.
For every person who buys second hand, there’s a person who’s done the above.

Smile and nod is a skill that you will need to master.

But I tend to agree about second hand, assuming of course that the item is safe.

It is much better for the planet to reuse items. It is much better for the family budget. What is in the DCs interests here?

I don't think your brief and transitory enjoyment of shopping is necessarily the key thing.

I have in-laws like yours. Smile, nod, ignore is the only option to stay sane. Also, I remind myself often that their unsolicited advice comes from a good place. They love us, and want what's best for us. We just don't always see eye to eye on what's best.

Heya..its totally up to you. I got a lot secondhand but there were some things i was adamant i wanted new. Baby monitor as i wanted a really good one, car seat, pram.

Some people just appear with stuff for you, i found it easy to deal with at the time by saying i would go through it all and donate any bits i dont want. Ended up liking a lot but also donated plenty to the local baby bank.win win really.

Name wise, best to not tell people the name as its upsetting if they dont like it. It really doesnt matter if there are 2 jacks in a family anyway

Congratulations on your first child. Try to not take everyones input to heart....theyre probably trying to help and if i remember from my own pregnancy hormones make you a bit more irritated by these things

its your baby.you get to choose name,pram and everything else too.

Keep discussions about your baby's name between you and DH. or as another poster said, say you've decided on outlandish names like Ermintrude and Zebedee.
Regarding second hand stuff that's your personal choice. Don't refuse secondhand but say you've already got a pram or whatever, or that you've been given one by a friend. Pass unwanted 'gifts' to charity shops.

As a general rule i think it’s best not to announce baby names in RL until baby’s here, people have a bad habit of acting like you’re asking for their opinion if they know names before baby’s born.

Whether I’d listen to them on this occasion would depend on how close a relative this other Jack is, and how much I loved the name. If he’s a small Jack who lives around the corner and you’ll likely see every week, then they might have a point. If he’s a relative that lives 400 miles away and you hardly ever see him, or if he’s much older than your baby (e.g. a great-uncle), then I’d happily ignore them. I’d also be far more likely to stick with Jack if it was a name I loved.

The second hand things - there’s nothing wrong with wanting & buying new things, but given how quickly babies grow, it does make sense to get secondhand things, provided they’re in good condition. Although I’d never get secondhand car seats, cot mattresses or bottles. (And are they seriously suggesting that you ask your sister in law for her pram when she’s got a baby still young enough to be using it?)

If you don’t want to buy secondhand then just smile and nod and change the subject, or say things like, oh we’re already sorted for x, if it comes up.

Kaddm I buy second hand, keep in good condition and sell on for nearly what I paid, occasionally more as I'm a bargain hunter. DS cost me a couple of carseats and 2 mattresses, DD has yet to cost me anything!

I'm afraid if financially you're not great- the second hand suggestions is more than reasonable, and as long as the item checks out from a safety perspective, I dont understand the need to spend heaps of money on things that can be gotten for a decent price barely used by someone else. The name thing- use whatever one you want.

Stop discussing this stuff with them and just do what you want to do. It's your baby so it's up to you!

As others have suggested, stop discussing so much with them. If you make them believe that baby's name is a committee decision, they will all start campaigning for their own preferences.

On the baby equipment, consider carefully what you will really use. It is very easy to be seduced by lots of wonderful gleaming equipment, and then find that in reality, a lot of it gets very little use. For transport equipment, think where and how you will use it in practice, and get what you need. For feeding equipment, you could buy lots of bottles and equipment, but you might not need much if you are breastfeeding. You can always buy things later if you really need them.

Another thing to consider with second hand. If you buy and sell second hand it's not a big deal to sell as soon as your finished using stuff.
If you buy new your more likely to want to keep for a second child which includes storage issues.
For example I bought a jumperoo £65 new sold for £20. But a friend bought and sold second hand without loosing much money for each of her children. And avoided having to store it inbetween.

Thankyou for all your messages. They have really helped with what I was getting irritated at.
I don't mind second hand just some stuff I don't want second hand. Happily buy second hand but some in some cases I don't. As for the pram for my sister in law, she has had a baby in February. But her baby is really big and probably won't use a buggy that much anyway!
And my in laws helped so much with mine and my partners financial situation. Thats how they know so much. (wish they didn't) but my fil is more of a pain. And can make rude and unsightly comments when they aren't needed!
As for the name Jack, Thankyou. I will just be saying random annoying names from now on. As my fil wants me to be calling our child after him 'Michael' which won't be happening!.

Thankyou everyone for your kind understanding comments!
They really helped putting my mind at ease.

Pick an outlandish name and say it's that. My ds told everyone his db was gonna be Oleg!!
Agree pram should be new!! And a mattress. But second hand bargains get you buzzing ime!! More so when you are changing x amount of times a day and have enough not to be washing loads too!

If the other Jack in question is same generation I’d think again. If it’s a generation or two above then no problem.
As for new - if it’s a high ticket item like a pram or cot, next time it comes up why don’t you say that it would be a lovely present from your in laws! You might want your partner to suggest it to them though...
But don’t be precious we’d all love new things but if you can’t afford it you can’t. Equally, if someone is going to give you a present you might to give them some hints! We got a lot of lovely clothes that really were useless (pretty dresses when most newborns live in onesies, heavy winter all in one that would fit in summer - the giver actually realised this but said she just had to get it was so cute 🤔).

Update on the name Jack!
So there is a jack in my partners side of the family, my partners uncles son!
My partners other sister has had a problem in the past with my partners father's siblings and families, she called her girl a lovely name. After her name muddled up! It works so it's amazing. My Sil did not know however that some else in the family had a child that same name and they lost it basically. 'saying you are copying me' or 'you stole it from me' and 'it's my name that I chose for my child, go die' basically all that. My Sil explained the suitation and they where having non of it. She walked off that was the end of it.
So my partners fathers family have problems with name calling. Even though my child won't even know this side of the family and will probably never meet them. Even if they live round the corner.
I just find it annoying that I feel like I shouldn't name my child what I want because of my partners father's family being total asshats.

But Thankyou so much, everyone for helping me and making me understand how to get round the name problem. I thought it was going to be a problem, but now you guys have helped a lot so Thankyou!

I wanted to save money to have a bit longer on mat leave so I bought most items second hand and then sold them on. You can find very high quality items in good condition on gumtree/FB.

Items I bought new were a cot mattress and bottles.

I got back what I spent on baby stuff when I sold it on. Babies can be very cheap or very expensive, it's really up to you.

So the Jack is a cousin of your DP's.

That is a little too close imo. The other Jack is presumably known as Jack, and not some honorific like Grandad or Dad by adult family members.

People do get a bit possessive about names and it is understandable. name is supposed to make it possible to identify the bearer from everyone else, after all, and if someone else close to you has the same name then that function of a name is wiped out.

Honestly, I would look for another name.

It's ypur baby, your time, ypur choice. This time us special to you and its important that you do things the way you want them.itsza one off once in a life timecevent that's?special to you.its no one else's business what you choose to do and itsxreally important you do what you want or you'll regret it. Other people can do or have done what they want when it was/ is their time.each to their own
Do what is best for you.its your baby and your time Xx