Nature vs Nuture

[LewisHamilton10]

Have nc'd for this as don't want this situation to be linked back to posts on the conception/pregnancy boards etc.

A recent situation got me thinking about nature vs nurture - my sister, let's call her Jen, and I are very close in age.
My father was a very complex man - highly intelligent, charismatic, very successful in business - however turned out to be a compulsive liar and thief. He stole equity from his parents house resulting in it's repossession, claimed child benefit for my sister and I for a number of years, fraudulently, and was subsequently jailed for it, cheated on my DM and fathered a child with a prostitute whilst they were married... really despicable. They split when I was 10 and Jen was 8. We saw him once, 4 years later, before he died.
My DM is lovely. Kind, generous, gracious, strong, humble. A fantastic role model and a really incredible human.

Jen is the "high flyer" of the family - she was a straight A student, was offered sponsorship for her LPC from a leading city firm, is now excelling in her training contract. Very pretty, very popular, very charismatic.

However it's just emerged that over the past year she has stolen almost £10k from my DM & DSF, who has raised her as his own. She has no financial troubles - the money has been spent on trips to Ibiza, clothes, nights out, weekends away etc.

My DM is devastated and is blaming her parenting. I am no angel but would like to consider myself a good person... a million miles from Jen... we received the same parenting. Jen is the carbon copy of my dad.

What do you think... are traits like these passed down in the same way facial features are? Or are they learned? I cannot fathom the thought of anyone being born "evil" but also cannot imagine how else things like this are learned.

I think there's a definite tendency towards certain behaviours which no amount of parenting can override. It depends on the individual in question as to how pronounced those tendencies are, of course, and each person's personality and temperament will define how they react to those personality quirks they inherit and who they end up being.

However, I also think the whole 'nurture' thing is a little bit of a red herring because you can say "we were raised in the same house by the same people" and assume therefore that you had the exact same childhood, and that's just not true. Different life events your families experienced during your childhoods will affect how you were parented; I know I am a very different parent to DS2 (8) than I was when DS1 (13) was 8 because I've changed in those five years, as has DH. Plus you have the lived experiences of each child, which will probably be entirely different to the siblings they're raised with.

to you all, though. Do you think there's anything salvageable from the mess your sister has created?

I definitely lean towards nature. My son is just like his dad (my ex), and has many of his bad traits.

Some years ago there was an excellent programme about two babies which had accidentally been swapped at birth.

Both raised differently but each child was true to their original parents in terms of personality and things like musical skills. Fascinating.

I also knew someone who had a child but then adopted a baby. Both raised the same. The baby grew up to be a law breaking, trouble making drug dealer exactly like his genetic/real father despite being raised in the lap of luxury.

Oh and for me personally I raised my children on my own from when they were small and I am tone death and cannot play any instrument despite having lessons.

Their father is an artist and musician who can play any instrument and both my children, especially my son are musically gifted.

I think it is in-built in you who you are, it's in your genes. I suppose upbringing can sway that but not totally override it.

Really interesting responses, thank you.

@Fudge I think you've hit the nail on the head there - I guess it's individual temperament combined with experiences. It's not so simple as nature OR nuture.
Thank you  my DM is extraordinarily forgiving so yes I do think the relationship will be salvageable. She's just very hurt right now... and my sister is not in the least bit apologetic.

@Jackie I'm sorry to hear that. How so?

That programme sounds excellent @Fireman I think I'll try to find that. Really interesting about your friends DC. How have they handled that?
Very interesting about your DC too - do they have much input from your ex or did they just pick it up?

The adopted guy is now in his 4Os and is in and out of prison.

He has a daughter and my friends have done all they can for their granddaughter and her mother.

I will google and try and find the programme for you

It's a mix of both for all the reasons pp have stated.

I used to believe nuture was more significant but having been with dh for over 20 years and having had dc for the last 10 I realise how significant nature is.

Dh and his sister were both adopted, different parents but brought up same adoptive and step parents. They are both uncannily like their natural parents, comparing the little we know about them all. Just simple things like the two careers dh has had are replicated several times over in his maternal uncles and aunts. He is her like his birth mother who sadly died after we met, but their sense of humour was alike.

And then watching our dc grown up I see so much of my family in them not just looks but how they behave. They are like my brothers who they see only rarely and my dad who died before they were born. I know my db reminded my nan of her husband who died when my mum was small...

Posted to soon. Wanted to add I'm looking forward to seeing my nephews grow up to see how they become too.