Big Family Reunion

[SunshineDay22]

I am a recovering alcoholic coming into my seventh year of being sober. No alcohol or other substances in that time.

I have lived in China for 20 years and never been back to England in that time. I have regular contact with my parents, my sister and brother. My parents are planning a big family get together this summer - and I am dreading it.

After four years of being sober I started to have strange thoughts about people I knew - friends and family. I dismissed it and just thought it was part of the process of recovery. But each year these thoughts have become stronger and stronger.

I searched online and found that there is a condition known as Coming Out of the Fog, where the person in recovery starts to see people as they really are.

With certain friends I had in the past, I made the decision to not have any further communication with them. This was the right thing to do as I now feel that my current friends are people I can trust and good, decent human beings.

But I also had feelings about my mother, my brother and sister. These feelings are now very strong and I just feel that I don't like them as people anymore.

My mum often lies about things. In the family we have joked about this but it has now reached a point where I find it unbearable. She just lies about the most meaningless things which out of any context seem trivial and unimportant. But it has got to a point where every time I talk to her she lies about something.

My brother and sister are just toxic. They have very aggressive, sometimes violent personalities and I find them very stressful in any communication we have. My brother and sister have not spoken to each other for almost ten years over some slight, the two stories I have heard from each of them do not add up.

Needless to say I am really not looking forward to going to see all of them together this year. I shall be going with my wife and it will be the first time that she has met all of them together.

I imagine that there will be some very uncomfortable scenes taking place. But when I talk to any of them via Skype I just tell a white lie and say how good it will be to see them. In truth I can't think of anything I would rather not do.

I am wondering if I should tell them all my feelings? Maybe write an email to them as a group and express myself as best as I can. But how would any family member feel if they were told by their brother and son that they do not like them?

I don't think it is normal for a person to be away from his family for such a long period of time and no meeting. I think that maybe in my subconscious I do not want to see them at all.

What would you do?

I would not tell them what you're feeling. Can you keep saying how much you're looking forward to it but then at the last minute not go? Like maybe your wife's mum is ill and can't be left, something like that?

I think the most imortant thing is that you continue in your recovery, so you need to consider whether they, en masse, are likely to help with that or not - for instance do you think that your siblings are toxic enough to see that vulnerability in you and push it?

It's not so much, do you like them, more are you safe with them? When you're not at home with familiar objects and routines etc.

Also, how will your wife deal with them, do you want to subject her to them?

Thank you Jux.

This sentence is particularly important - "It's not so much, do you like them, more are you safe with them?"

I spoke to a good friend today, also in and out of his own recovery and understands the concerns very well.

He said that it may feel like an obligation to attend the family reunion but at what possible cost?

I think I have to be very selfish in this situation. The more I think about seeing my brother and sister together, the more it sounds like a complete nightmare.

I don’t think you should email them all - what’s that going to achieve but hurt and bad feeling and, once said, it can never be unsaid? I’m inferring from your post that you’re in China and the reunion’s in the UK? That’s one hell of a journey to make to attend something you don’t want to go to - time and expense.

I like Jux’s idea of just making up a reason for not going, or maybe even just saying that you’d love to go but can’t afford it?

Hi Carolina, Yes, I agree. I have been very tempted to email them all and say exactly what I think but once that has been said it cannot be unsaid.

Yes, I am in China and the reunion in UK. I don't really want to go on an 11 hour flight just to have a nightmare scene with them.

Maybe a little white lie could save me?

Some sort of made up excuse is what I’d do - even better that they’re so far away and unlikely to catch you out on it .

There’s nothing wrong with letting them know your true feelings at some point if that’s what you want to do, but you need to think it through re any potential fall-out (and not being able to unsay). However, since you live so far away and your contact with them is very limited, I’d be inclined just to continue to be “the relative who lives abroad that no one ever sees” and leave it at that. What would it achieve versus the bad feeling it might create?

Good luck!

A white lie could very definitely save you!p

Thanks very much both.

Decision made. I appreciate the advice.

Sounds a lot like my family. I moved to the other side of the world to save myself as well. I highly recommend saying nothing and then having a last minute family or work emergency. Redefine family as the wonderful people you have chosen to hang out with instead.

That's a good point, Justilou. As I became more sober I started to see my family in a very clear light. It was both quite alarming and satisfying at the same time. I think my mother, brother and sister may have personality disorders. My sister has often said that my brother may have ADHD. He certainly displays signs of this. But my sister goes into great violent rages and is extremely intolerant of hearing a different opinion from others. My mum is the constant apologist for my sister's behaviour.

My dad seems like the only relatively sane person in the family. I don't know how he does it.