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Original poster

Rude photo being shown at school

27 replies

Namestheachanging123 · 24/05/2019 02:45

Ok can't seem to sleep so seeking some advice.
Picked up my dd10 from school yesterday and she complained to me about a boy in her class. I probed her some more but she didn't explain.
Once home she mentioned him again and I asked again what he'd done, expecting her to say the usual minor irritations that she tells me.
But no, she told me that this boy had been showing her class mates a picture of her that he secretly took ( on his phone ) and has made it look like - to quote her exact words 'like shes having sex with herself'Shock
Obviously my jaw hit the floor and I blurted out that that was not on and I would need to speak to the teacher about it.
She was immediately defensive about it , didn't want me to speak to the teacher, wished she hadn't told me about it etc.run of to her bedroom.
I left her there to cool down;we were literally about 10mins from leaving the house to go and celebrate my birthday with family and came home quite late so I have yet to go into it further with her.
My question is how do I proceed next?
I will definitely be questioning her more on it in the morning but should I go directly to the teacher about it or speak to the mum first?
I do know her to talk to and know for sure she won't go easy on him about it.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 24/05/2019 02:56

The boy has to learn that such things are not funny and he has caused your daughter some embarrassment to say the least. He has shown lack of respect.As you know his mum, have a quiet word with her & hopefully he'll get it in the neck, not forever but sufficient to make him a bit more sensitive to the feelings of others.

MyOtherProfile · 24/05/2019 03:05

Report this to the school. Presumably it is happening actually in school? Is there a mobile phone policy? Is he allowed a mobile in school? This absolutely needs nipping in the bud.

Bufferingkisses · 24/05/2019 03:07

Don't speak to mum. Sadly parents are (rightly) naturally defensive of their children. She will - almost certainly - play it down.

Go to the school, 1 it is a form of "revenge porn" and 2 it is making an image of an underage child or child abuse image. The boy, most likely, has no idea what that means but he needs to and he needs to understand how serious that is.

Your dd is displaying that she would rather put up with an uncomfortable or intolerable situation for herself than get this child in trouble. She needs to know that this is not the right way. She does not have to put up with that behaviour. Multiply this up to a guy in his 20s or 40s taking a video in a club - or when they have sex. She needs to know it's ok to say no - I did not consent to this and it is not right. She needs to know she will be backed up when she says that.

DaisyDreaming · 24/05/2019 03:25

From her reaction, could she think she is in trouble for having looked at the picture or for saying ‘having sex by herself’? I would make sure she knows she isn’t in trouble, but that you do have to tell the school because the girl in the photo needs protecting. Make sure she knows she can talk to you and tell you things but that sometimes you have to do something to protect someone

Don’t talk to the parent at all.

MerryMarigold · 24/05/2019 03:30

I would definitely bring it up with school, because it's a disgrace if they are allowed mobile phones in school. I'd speak to her teacher first and foremost. Ask your dd not to say anything so he doesn't delete the pic. Ask her to tell you several children who have seen it, and who you know are reliable so school can speak to them.

Reassure her that what he's done is genuinely very wrong and that's why she's feeling bad. Help her to see the seriousness, don't play it down. It's bullying and it's sexual and it's using pictures without consent. He'll get in a lot of trouble for that in a couple of years.

julensaor · 24/05/2019 03:56

shut that shit down straightaway. report to her class teacher and the head. How is that even a question? 9/10 year old, how is he so sexually aware? Might give the heads up to people In charge. You have a duty to report this as good human being.

Wallywobbles · 24/05/2019 07:22

This is much more serious than you think. Try and think through all the potential consequences of this and you'll see what I mean.

Tatapie · 24/05/2019 07:29

That's horrible. It's definitely a school thing. ASAP. No doubt at all.

wheresmyhairytoe · 24/05/2019 07:30

Get on to the school first thing. You need to speak to the Safeguarding lead and Head.

It is very serious, but reassure her she has done nothing wrong.

wheresmyhairytoe · 24/05/2019 07:31

And follow up your conversation with an email so there is written evidence of what has happened.

pnutter · 24/05/2019 07:31

I agree this is serious, and you need to get the school involved straightaway.

TapasForTwo · 24/05/2019 07:33

Definitely talk to school. I find it worrying that these children are only 10.

KurriKawari · 24/05/2019 07:38

OP, how you react and handle this will affect how your daughter reacts and handles such situations again in the future. It will also affect how she thinks about the behaviour of men towards women and whether women can/cannot do something about it.
Sit her down, explain clearly that she is not in trouble, tell her you love her and are proud of her for telling you eventhough you know how hard it was. Explain to her what the boy did was very very wrong. And clearly tell her what you're doing next so she doesn't feel excluded. Then go to school and ask to speak to their safeguarding lead. Ask them to keep you informed every step of the way as to what they are doing about it.

VashtaNerada · 24/05/2019 07:40

Call the school. Definitely.

BurnedToast · 24/05/2019 07:40

Go to the school.

They will rightly take this very seriously.

yorkshirecountrylass · 24/05/2019 07:43

Hi OP, I'm so sorry your daughter has had to experience this. Please, please do not speak to Mum first. Go straight to the Head with this (it's not often I say that!) but this is a safeguarding concern which needs to be dealt with through the appropriate channels. It's wholly inappropriate for a child of that age to be making calculated moves as he has done here and that needs to be investigated through the proper channels. Reassure your daughter and go straight in and tell them you need to speak to the Head before your daughter goes to class as you have a safeguarding concern which you need to report x

Sonicknuckles · 24/05/2019 07:46

Yeah you need to talk to school about it

Villanellesproudmum · 24/05/2019 07:50

What Kurri says.

RedPink · 24/05/2019 08:38

.

MrsWombat · 24/05/2019 09:26

Yes, definitely talk to the school. Hope she is ok this morning.

Apple23 · 24/05/2019 10:10

Ask at the school office to speak to the Safeguarding Lead. There is nothing else you need to say to the office staff, or to the class teacher, unless of course they happen to be the Safeguarding Lead. Do not mention it to the parents.

Tell the Safeguarding Lead (this will be a senior member of staff) what your daughter has told you. They will take this seriously.

WeeDangerousSpike · 24/05/2019 10:20

Don't speak to his mum. Along with everything pp have said, about the seriousness for your DD, it's important the the school know about this for the boys welfare - he's clearly been exposed to inappropriate material somehow to be able to come up with such an image. It might just be older siblings with no malicious intent. Or it might be abuse.

MenuPlant · 24/05/2019 10:24

Agree with what everyone else says

This is sexualised bullying and you need to talk to the school and make sure they do something

No mobile phones
Pics deleted
Boy dealt with

Bluerussian · 27/05/2019 18:27

I've been thinking about this and I know I suggested speaking to the boy's mum but now agree with others that it is better to alert the school.

Can't help wondering what put such an idea into his head at his age. I hope your daughter is OK, Namestheachanging.

Moominfan · 27/05/2019 18:32

Op it's such a difficult age. Let her know she's done the right thing telling you. Your here to help protect her.