Does anyone have experience of going back to work when their baby is 3 months old? :(

[Secretlifeofme]

I an currently 17 weeks pregnant and live in China. The maternity leave laws are very rigid here - basically you have to take maternity leave exactly 2 weeks before your due date and then go back to work 98 days later :( so I am facing the prospect of leaving my baby with a nanny from 7am-6pm from the age of 3 months.

Frankly, this idea scares me a lot. This is my first child and it's very much wanted- after 3 miscarriages and at the age of 39, DH and I were on the point of giving up when I got pregnant and we're so excited. However, I'm also really worried about going back to work so early. I know I'll have to establish bottle feeding early, and will be given time during the day at work to pump. Several of my colleagues have done this and are ok with it, but I just find it really daunting.

So I just came on to ask if anyone has experienced this, perhaps in the USA where I know maternity leave also isn't great, or elsewhere, and how you managed. Please, no judgement- this is not my choice - or suggestions about not going back to work, as this isn't possible for us.

Thanks in advance.

Many of my colleagues went back at 2-3 months. They worked on establishing pumping very early.

All of them continued breastfeeding for a long time after returning to work. One of them found her milk supply started diminishing when her son started sleeping through, so she would set an alarm to wake herself up to pump in the middle of the night.

They all have very good relationships with their kids - so from that perspective it worked out fine. It was tough on them as mums. In a lot of ways it was good for the dads because the expectation is that they will pull their weight, take time off from work when kids are sick, etc.

Thank you @bliminy, that's encouraging advice. Did your friends have nannies and did they find that the nanny's relationship with the baby overshadowed theirs? This is the other thing I'm worried about :(

My DC are now 19 and nearly 18 so maternity leave is a long time ago for me but I went back to work full time when my first DC was 12 weeks old and my second was 16 weeks.
I had to as my job at the time was the stable, higher earning one. Both were breastfed until they were a year old. It was sometimes difficult but totally doable. Most of my friends/colleagues had similar length of maternity leave.
My DC both went to nursery with my DH doing drop off and pick up.
DD switched between bottles of expressed milk and breast with no problem but DS was trickier, he really didn't like a bottle but would take milk from a cup and fed lots more in the evenings and overnight. HTH

I went back part time last year when DS was 12 weeks and will be doing the same again as due DS2 next month, I did find the first few days rally hard but I enjoyed going to work and it was nice to have a break, my mum helps with childcare and then he went to nursery from 5 months which he loves. I breast fed and pumped enough for when I was at work

Thank you @doggydaft. That must have been really difficult when your DS wouldn't take a bottle. Can I ask, how early did you begin pumping and establishing bottle feeding? Was it literally from birth?

It is best for baby's emotional development if they are closely bonded to the Nanny as well as you and dh. Although this may be difficult for you if baby sometimes expresses a preference for the Nanny, that is emotionally healthy for your baby. When they are older they won't remember the Nanny, but they will have the benefits of feeling closely bonded to all their regular carers.

I knew someone who went back full time at six weeks, and they said it was OK and they don't think it was bad for their children. Having childcare you are very confident in is key.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thank you @Lauren83. I wish I could go back part time but sadly if I didn't work full time it would invalidate my visa.

My friend went back ft when her baby was 3 months. She was bottle feeding and think they had a childminder. I’ve rarely met a lovelier, more eloquent, happy child who has very close relationships with both parents, she’s absolutely wonderful.

Sorry for your previous losses and congratulations on your pregnancy. Try not to worry too much and enjoy your pregnancy

I went back PT at 3.months as I was the main earner. DD was fine, adjusted brilliantly to nursery although I'd given up BF by then because of other issues. I loved going to work and having time with DD. IMO it was the best of both worlds and made me appreciate both all the more.

Thank you so much, you are all making me feel better! It's 3.15am here so I'm going to try and get some more sleep, but I'll reply in the morning and appreciate all your responses so much

Could you consider bed sharing at night to keep that physical closeness with you overnight? Then you could feed a lot at night to help with supply?

I think you get a bit of extra time in China (can't remember how many days) for being an 'older' mother, so make sure your HR signs off on that. You also get extra days if you have a difficult birth. So most obs will sign off on your difficult birth (aren't they all!).

Get your ayi a bit in advance and make sure you really trust her. Join all the relevant WeChat groups and learn about what others in your area did in the same situation. Which city are you in?

I had plenty of colleagues who went back between 6 weeks and 12 weeks in the US and they seemed to cope fine, and colleagues in India the same. I'd go to the nanny board and ask for a list of things to ask your nanny to make sure that you get a really good fit, common mistakes in hiring a nanny for the first time etc. I had a nanny for 2 years & I travelled - my DD was 7 months when I went back and she didn't prefer the nanny but I do think you want her to be happy and cuddled etc by the nanny in general.

One of the nicest families I know, the mum worked 6 days a week when her dc1 was small as she was at a critical point in her career - the family is all doing really well. I remember being a bit judgy about it but it was a good investment, her DC1 doesn't remember, the nanny was good and her career is stellar.

Kids need you all the way through - think about over time how you can build in some flexibility to your job (even if it takes 5-10 years)

Put effort into the nanny selection - it's easy to make a first time mistake. 100% it's all about the quality of the childcare. I always felt awful about working FT but none of the childcare I had was good enough or low enough ratios, we have better labour laws in the UK but some of the most expensive nurseries where it felt like crowd control a lot of the time and a complete lack of anyone invested in the development of my children.

Although this may be difficult for you if baby sometimes expresses a preference for the Nanny, that is emotionally healthy for your baby. When they are older they won't remember the Nanny, but they will have the benefits of feeling closely bonded to all their regular carers.

This is such an important point! It is so important that babies have strong attachments.

I've no experience of early return to work, but I do have experience of exclusive pumping.

Are you allowed Facebook there? If so, there's a group called exclusively pumping mamas where they give lots of info to people who can pump for months and months. They're American as it seems quite common there. And I think their health insurance allows them to rent a high grade pump. You can pump at your desk and carry on working. You'll need a hands free pumping bra ( like a bustier)

I hired a medela symphony which is the hospital grade double pump. You have to pump every two hours in the early weeks to build up a good supply. Then you can essentially leave the nanny with a full days worth of milk. And pump at work to bring home. It can be kept in the fridge or at room temp for 6/8 hours or so.

I never managed to the extent they did but they could basically get an entire feed out of each boob. And for an older baby so 6/7 ounces. By 3 months, you baby may be on 5 ounces per feed.

Good luck, it is doable, but you need a very good pump and a lot of storage bottles.

does your firm have any kind of an hours bank where you can take Flexi time back? Might be something if you can work 4 longer days for a shorter Friday some weeks - but sorry if the overtime is just expected.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!
I also live in a country where 3 months is the norm; I know it's not necessary perfect or ideal, but know that millions of women all around the world are doing the same! And their children are growing up happy, and healthy with perfectly normal attachment to their parents.
Know very little about Chinese culture, but 3 things that are cultural norms here and I think help a lot;

Breastfeeding
Cosleeping
Nannies/help

Breastfeeding and cosleeping kind of go together as great ways of maintaining a good bond with your baby even when you're out most of the day. Bonus is also that you dont have to fully wake up at night, just feed lying down, so helps reduce sleep deprivation a lot!

It's great that you'll have facilities to pump at work. Website kellymom has lots of good info on pumping and going back to work.

If you can get a good nanny that is like gold - there is a world of difference, in my opinion, between leaving a young baby in their own home with a trusted 1-1 carer, and dropping them in a daycare.

It will probably be tough on you for the first few months, but if you can get a good nanny then you will know your baby is in safe hands while you are away, and those tricky early days will be over before you know it.

My mom went back when I was 4m, FT, had to, she was main earner. Made it work. Seemed like everyone we knew had moms working FT soon after baby was born, tbh, when I was growing up.

Thinking my best friend in high school went back to work when her son was about 2m old (she was single mom & had to). She combi bed, breastfed at night & formula in day until her son was... maybe 14m old? Friend did work in a school though, so did get some extra long hols with that at least.

My DD was born in Kenya, at that time maternity leave was 2 months and it was supposed to be a month before and a month afterwards, not that I think that often happened.
DD was born in October, and I am a teacher. My two months ended a few days before the Christmas holiday and so she was actually nearly 3 months when I went back. Same as you I had no choice because I was the main wage earner, accommodation cane with the job etc.
I lived opposite school and was able to go home every day for lunch, which was good
I mixed fed because I couldn't produce enough milk so she had bottles during the day but breastfed at night. We coslept. We had a nanny who was lovely.

It wasn't easy but 12 years later it is not something I think about unless I see a post like yours and I have a fantastic relationship with DD.

I went back then and partner was sahd. It’s hard but I’m the main earner so had to go back.