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Original poster

Dad's odd letters

46 replies

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 14:07

My dad writes to me, sometimes. He is in his 70s, but they have always been like this. I got another today. I find it hard to read and undersigned, but he is Ok to talk to. Well, I suppose he is a little like this in person as well.

It's full of times and dates, e.g. 9.33am I went for a run for 26 mins. That kind of thing. I guess he is trying to share his news with me, perhaps. He asks if the children 'like running along the road' but that is his hobby...he does seem to see at one point this might get a bit dull as says "I hope this is not too BORING!!" ...but then starts it again!

He says he will come visit me in June and see me '4 or 5 times' which I find a bit intense. I mean I guess that is OK but does he tally up how many times he has seen me?!

This isn;t a new thing, and I have always wondered about it.

OP posts:

tinkywinkyshandbag · 23/05/2019 14:56

Sorry just saw this isn't new. I'd just put it down to personality then. My Dad used to write me boring emails but I'd give anything to get one from him now.

horizontalis · 23/05/2019 14:57

If you start to write back and include some random family news and trivia, at least then he will have something other than his usual topics to write about the next time he sends you a letter.

And Saucery is right, you aren't obliged to read the letters when you get them, just leave them until you are ready.

Do you think that by sending you these letters that he is trying to exert some sort of control over you by making you read them? Or is it that you feel resentful towards him because you feel under pressure to read them?

Minty · 23/05/2019 15:00

He definitely sounds unusual OP. Have you got any siblings you can share this with? Understandable that these letters make you feel a bit squeamish.

I'm not sure that some resentment of poor parenting ever does go away, whether they are still with you or not.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 15:02

Yes I have a brother who understands. Thanks for the comments, I might talk with him about it, he is very busy though.

Yes he writes letter a lot, to random people as well, previous employers and the like.

OP posts:

BlackPrism · 23/05/2019 15:05

Well your posts are long and rambling too, and you didn't actually ask anything. Apple, tree.

BlackPrism · 23/05/2019 15:08

He sounds very lonely

NannyRed · 23/05/2019 15:11

I wish I received letters from my dad.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/05/2019 15:15

When l read your opening post l thought immediately of ASD. Fascination with numbers and odd social interaction. Bit l suppose at this stage of his life knowing that wont help. Just accept it is the way he is and wont change now.
But it is eccentric.

Pennel · 23/05/2019 15:20

Do you feel he’s invading your space and taking too much headspace - is that what it is?.

PicsInRed · 23/05/2019 15:36

1st thought = autism.

Goldmandra · 23/05/2019 18:43

It seems very likely that your dad has undiagnosed autism.

He is trying to open up communication between you, aware that he is failing and then trying again because he doesn't know how else to do it.

I imagine that you were crucified with embarrassment by him trying to join in at your school but this may have been a desperate but clumsy way to try to connect with you. He may have had no insight into how you were feeling.

If he doesn't realise he has autism, he may be aware that he's getting a lot wrong, aware that other people know and understand things he can't work out and have no idea what to do about it.

Telling you how many times he would see you if he visited is because this is information he would probably need if you were visiting him.

There's clearly a lot of complicated history between you and a decent amount to forgive.Maybe if you read about autism and Asperger's Syndrome, you might find that some of the behaviour makes more sense to you and is therefore easier to accept.

cranstonmanor · 23/05/2019 18:44

I have lots of letters that my grandad sent to my mum. It always, always starts with what time he sat down to write the letter. Then goes on if he had fed the chickens yet or was going to do so later. He also wrote about the weather and the garden. It's a lovely snapshot of someones day. He also sent newspaper clippings (mum lived abroad) of everytime it snowed. I really enjoy reading them now, although they didn't interest me when younger.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 18:45

Do you feel he’s invading your space

Possibly. I don't visit him with the DCs as he is a hoarder. When he visits, he takes all these things out of his bag and puts them out on the table and it all gets a bit much, especially with the DC.

OP posts:

ConfessionalProfessional · 23/05/2019 18:47

I think he has a type of autism - it is strange, and the OP’s posts are a little strange too.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 18:50

Goldmander thanks, yes that may be right. he also follows me to th swimming pool after asking about me going in a previous conversation without saying he will, which I found strange. But in hindsight might be due to that.

It would not be an excuse to have an affair though although that was a strange situation which he tried to get me to sort out. Turns out the woman told him she was being beaten by her husband and needed 'saving' he felt, anyway. he didn't seem to think bringing her home might upset my mother.

It does put things in a different light, but at this stage in life a diagnosis wouldn't help much. How much of an excuse for his past behaviour it might be remains questionable.

And to the posters who said apple and tree, and my posts are rambling, yes I agree they can be. Maybe I do have a few traits myself. Not to the same extent though I don't think.

OP posts:

Witchend · 23/05/2019 19:09

I don't really see the letters as odd.
If I speak to my parents or they write letters, they're usually about what they're doing. Df will talk about what he's making, dm will talk about her tennis team.
But if I wrote to my parents I would be talking about my new overlocker, and what I'm sewing and the tits nesting in our nest box for the first time for 6 years. A letter full of "do you like sewing too?" or "have you got birds in your garden?" is what I'd have written when I was in the penfriend phase-for the first few letters before we got to know each other better and would revert to more what we're doing.

And the factual stuff is exactly dh. I remember going to an engaged couples day with him. The speaker told how they'd been to one when they had been a new couple. They'd been asked to all go away individually and write a paragraph about a boat.
She wrote a paragraph about the soaring waves, the passenger feeding the birds, the beautiful sunset...
He wrote (can't remember the exact detail so probably totally inaccurate) "The boat was 18 feet long and 8 feet wide. It had an engine that could go up to 30 knots. The engine had …"

And me and dh laughed because that was so us. Dh wrote a diary on holiday (forced by his dm) and it went "We got on a number 2 bus. It cost 40p for adults and 20p for children. We went 19 miles. It took 45 minutes. We were 450miles above sea level. We ate lunch. I had a cheese sandwich. Mum had a jam sandwich and dad and dsis had ham sandwiches..."
My holiday diary which I wrote for many years does not have a single mention of how far away anything was, the cost or what we ate. I wrote about the feel of the sand between the toes, the funny shaped driftwood and how dsis had got sunburnt and it was peeling off in big chunks.
We each think the others doesn't say the interesting bits.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 19:15

It's not just the letters though. It's making me think of other things too. The constant questions. The lack of awareness of others feelings. The obsessions with some things like running, timings etc. being very quick at calculations in his head, but very clumsy...reading more about it I think he may be on the spectrum. But I'm not sure. They put him in a mental hospital in the 1960s he told me. Gave him electric shock therapy. He told me about that as a child. Maybe they could have missed it, then. I have never found him especially depressed though.

OP posts:

Original poster

user87382294757 · 23/05/2019 19:17

Oh, also he got into grammar school but had to leave due to bullying. So seems to have been like this at a young age.

OP posts:

Kanga83 · 23/05/2019 19:22

It does strike as some kind of OCD (compartmentalising hence the times and routine) and /or somewhere on the spectrum. It sounds like he is trying to write it as a diary somewhat but with a compartmentalised element. They sound intense and not easy for you to read. That with the horder aspect you mention makes me think the above. I personally wouldn't give them too much of a thought if they've always been like this, perhaps keep in a box with a mild gloss over if you feel like it but don't pressure yourself to give them much time

Goldmandra · 23/05/2019 19:50

Maybe they could have missed it, then.

They possibly didn't even know what autism was where he was treated.

Poor theory of mind is a common trait in autism. It's about having little understanding that another person may not know everything you know. Your dad may not even have realised that you weren't aware that he was planning to follow you to the swimming pool.

BlueBrushing · 23/05/2019 19:55

Be kinder to your Dad.

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