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Original poster

How can I help my daughter get over this?

29 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 23/05/2019 09:40

My 6 yo dd’s hamster died about 6 weeks ago. At the time she was absolutely distraught, she sobbed for a whole day, said she wished she was dead to be with him. We did a little funeral in the garden and she wrote him a letter & drew a picture.

She talked about him a lot the first week and I tried to soothe her; I understand, it’s normal to feel like this, it is very sad, and made up things about him being in hamster heaven. Bedtimes were the worst, she’d get herself upset and i would repeat the above because I wanted to validate her feelings, as far as I was concerned she was feeling very normal. This is her first experience of death.

Fast forward to now, last week she was eating her breakfast and just dissolved into tears saying she misses her hamster. So I tried to divert the sadness by recalling funny things the hamster did to try and make her laugh. She is writing a story at school this week and it is all about her hamster. Last night she made another picture of him before bed and this morning she’s made something crafty with lollipop sticks and drawn a picture of the hamster. But again this morning she just lay on the stairs sobbing about him.

I’m thinking now I should stop indulging the sadness and be a bit firmer. So I said to her let this be the last day you feel sad about the hamster. After today when you think of him try and feel happy that he was such a great pet, had a happy life, he would want you to be happy etc but to be honest I’m completely lost on how to deal with this and make her feel better.

I got some photos of him printed and put in her room because she wanted me to and I thought that would help make her feel better to be able to see him again.

She is not easy to placate and my words of comfort just don’t seem to do anything to help, she is still utterly fixated on him and that he’s gone. This morning she was talking about getting some brown fluff and making the hamster.

The easiest option would be to buy another hamster but we really don’t want to do that and anyway we would be back here again in another couple of years.

Does anyone have any advice to help her get over this because I am so out of my depth.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 23/05/2019 09:43

Get another one. Maybe rescue/rehome one so it’s not just a replacement? Though may not be as tame if not young. Poor little thing.

Springisallaround · 23/05/2019 09:47

One of mine was fixated on a toy she has lost, went on and on about it, focused on it at bedtime, talked about it endlessly- how life would be better if only she had this toy and so on. Around the same age.

It will wear off over time. I do think a new hamster might be the way forward if you could bear it!

Springisallaround · 23/05/2019 09:50

Also, having gone through this once, if you did get a hamster and it died after a couple of years, I think she'd handle it a lot better. This is an odd age, they are not 'little' enough to necessarily believe all the heaven stories, but not old enough to emotionally regulate somehow. This is normal though, you might just have to put up with it for now.

Also- you can validate her sadness without spending too much time on it. I don't think you can tell her that's the last day to feel sad, obviously she is feeling sad (perhaps about other things too?) but I think it's fine to say 'oh, you are still sad about Cuddles' give her a hug, and move on to distracting/other things and explain why.

negomi90 · 23/05/2019 09:55

Don't be firm with her. Her hamster (beloved pet) has just died. Its probably the first death she's ever been close to. She's having to understand gone for ever. Its only been a week.
Comfort her and let her be sad. Distract her if you can, but if she's sad, she's sad. Be with her and acknowledge that things are bad.
Telling her she has to be happy from now on, just tells her she'll be in trouble for her feelings (for not doing what you say).
Don't replace the hamster. Just give her as long as she needs. You can't put a time limit on grief and she's genuinely grieving.

MrsPatmore · 23/05/2019 09:55

The hamster has brought up feelings of separation and loss that children find difficult to articulate in the way we can as adults. This is an age where children suddenly realise that loved things/people do die or go away and life isn't all as solid and rosy as they thought. It can be hard for them to process. There are some good books out there helping children to deal with grief and loss in practical ways. Patience and time and lots of cuddles too.

purpleme12 · 23/05/2019 09:57

I think it's awful if you tell her not to feel sad and stop crying. Someone's died. You've just got to be there for her.

Original poster
1wokeuplikethis · 23/05/2019 10:20

I haven’t told her to stop feeling sad. It’s been 6 weeks and she is crying before school; unable to eat her breakfast and going into school upset so I suggested she let herself feel sad for today but from tomorrow try and let herself feel happy about what a lovely pet he was and the happiness he brought her.

Did you read the other things I did? The funeral, the comforting, the photographs, the talking about it all? But those things aren’t helping so flailing in my aptitude as a mother I tried a different approach from desperation for her not being unhappy any more and now I’m asking here.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 23/05/2019 10:22

I think you just need to let her be sad. There's nothing wrong with being sad. She doesn't need to squash down her emotions because they are inconvenient.

We can't just switch our emotions on and off, that's not how they work.

TheFlis12345 · 23/05/2019 10:24

Why not just get another one? I’m sure the excitement of a new pet will help her get over the old one.

Gumbo · 23/05/2019 10:32

I agree that another hamster is the way forward - but it's important to get your DD to feel part of the process of choosing it etc.

Whatever you do don't do what my parents did when my very much beloved cat was PTS while I was away on a school trip for a week; I got home to discover that my wonderful cat was dead, and they'd 'helpfully' replaced him with a new kitten. I hated that kitten as it was suddenly supposed to replace my old cat (who I hadn't even had the chance to mourn for). I know they meant well, but if they'd waited and involved me in choosing a new pet I would definitely have felt differently...

gamerchick · 23/05/2019 10:38

In your shoes I would get another hamster.

Malibucyprus · 23/05/2019 11:08

I wouldn't buy her another hamster tbh, she'll be going through this again in a few months/years.

I was a hamster lover as a child, and so distraught when they passed away, my Mom bless her, just kept replacing them, and unfortunately they don't last long, so every 6-18 months I'd be grieving for another one. This went on until I was 17 Blush when my Mom eventually gave in and got me a cat instead.

Mine were buried at the bottom of our garden, and every night without fail I'd spend 10 mins with them, saying a prayer and goodnight, whilst my Mom stood on the backdoor in her nightie.

I'd just give her time, I was about her age when I first went through it, and I still remember how sad I was, it really was awful at the time.

FiremanKing · 23/05/2019 11:15

The hamster was more than a pet, it was her much loved friend. Try to see it from that perspective.

I’m an adult and still get upset over our last hamster who died over six years ago.

I can’t see why you wouldn’t get another if she was helpful in caring for it.

Too many heartless people in the world today and your little girl sounds wonderful to me, full of love and compassion.

My adult daughter tried to get a rescue hamster recently but couldn’t find one so had to buy one from Pets at Home, he’s adorable and I’ve been to visit him! No doubt when he dies we will all be very upset.

FiremanKing · 23/05/2019 11:17

I forgot to say that my childhood hamster was also given a funeral and on the day my father produced a marble brick which I carefully wrote Hammy’s name on with navy blue nail varnish and the brick marked the spot.

Original poster
1wokeuplikethis · 23/05/2019 11:23

We don’t really want to get another one because he was so noisy at night and she didn’t do much with him; didn’t play with him or get him out, reluctantly helped change his cage and we did actually already replace him secretly because the original one escaped and died soon after but she was only 4 and we didn’t think she could handle it.

Also with this hamster, he was quite poorly towards the end and I did a post here on small pets and was basically told I shouldn’t ever be allowed to look after pets ever again.

The whole situation is shit and I just feel sad.

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 23/05/2019 12:07

That throws a different light on it.

I thought she was heavily involved in its care.

In that case I think the grieving is perhaps her first experience of death and her emotions are wrapped up in discovering that not everyone is going to be around permanently. Perhaps she can not communicate it due to her young age but could be fearful about losing you or other family members and has express this through the grief of the hamster?

Maybe that’s all gobbledygook but from my own experience as a parent when mine were young sometimes an ‘over reaction’ about something was actually not about that at all but over something else.

You sound lovely and caring and have done all you can to see her through the natural grieving process so I think gently steering her away from the subject is best.

UpToonGirl · 23/05/2019 12:25

I think if it had been a cat or dog it might be easier to understand her reaction but I think as adults we have a view that a hamster is a different category of pet (struggling with how to word that but hopefully you understand what I mean - I also don't mean that there aren't people that love their hamster!). I would let her explore her feelings, crying, talking about the hamster - it's (I'm guessing) her first experience of death and for some children they really don't understand that death is final until it happens to someone they know.

But having said that I would also try to distract her when she is not focusing on the hamster, can you make some fun plans for the weekend or summer holidays for her to look forward to. Keep her busy with movies and going out more often for a while? Can she take up a new hobby?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 23/05/2019 12:41

My parents' dog died last year he was 17, my DN is almost 4 she loved him he was endlessly patient with her they would cuddle up together and bap, go to the park etc. My parents looked after her two days a week from ten months to now so she spent a lot of time with him. She was devastated, my brother got her a lovely book about losing a pet that they read together and a cuddly toy that looks the same as the dog that she now takes to bed. It was about six months ago now and she still talks about him sometimes but doesn't get upset anymore.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 23/05/2019 13:43

I wouldn't get another hamster.

Maybe think about getting an annual pass to your local farm or wildlife park? She can get her animal fix but you don't have to look after them.

FrannySalinger · 23/05/2019 13:47

Oh I am sorry but the update with the plot twist that it wasn't even the original hamster did make me laugh.

FoxSquadKitten · 23/05/2019 14:23

I was going to say get a baby hamster, show her the circle of life etc etc but if she didn't even play with him or help with day to day care then no I wouldn't get another one.
I totally get it if she was really really close to the hamster but it doesn't sound as if she was. Maybe she is doing it for attention now? Or maybe something else is going on that's upsetting her, at school?
How about changing the subject every time she starts to mention the hamster?

Stefoscope · 23/05/2019 23:10

If she's said wants to get some fluffy material and make a toy hamster that may help and certainly wouldn't do any harm. If she's not responding to talking maybe let her have a craft session and make a few things to put where the hamster's cage was. It sounds like she enjoys drawing and making things.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2019 23:21

I did a post here on small pets and was basically told I shouldn’t ever be allowed to look after pets ever again.

Sorry OP, but between her wanting to reincarnate him out brown fluff and this sentence I've really had to laugh! Grin

If you're not wanting to go through the whole rigmarole of having another pet then I'd just continue to hear her out and sympathise with her. The intensity should eventually wear off - even though you say it's been 6 weeks. Perhaps get her to channel her sadness by drawing pictures and writing stories about the times she had with the hamster.

PalacePalacePalace · 24/05/2019 00:04

Don't beat yourself up about this. You sound like a kind and considerate parent. All will be well.

llangennith · 24/05/2019 00:31

You allowed her to be sad about the hamster dying so it may be that when she's sad about something else she says it's about the hamster because she doesn't know if what she's really sad about is ok.
Keep talking to her and let her talk to you about things that make her feel sad.