Fed up with myself

[FredUp]

NC (hopefully) as I'd rather this whinge isn't linked with my usual account.

Just feeling massively bleugh, and wondering if anyone else would like to join my pity party. Today's woes (except they're not restricted to today):

I'm fat. Was so skinny 3 years ago when my marriage fell to pieces, never appreciated it at the time because I was so miserable; but now I see old photos and compare them to my current roly self and just feel horrible. My own fault, I eat crap and don't exercise. I know this.

I'm exhausted. We're understaffed and hugely overwhelmed at work. I have a responsible job and fuckups have implications for people reliant on me. I know I'm not doing my job as well as I should.

I'm lonely. I have some good friends but they're all over the country and we're all busy. I have no social life really. Some people who were good friends (I thought) disappeared after marriage break up, which contributes to me feeling like a pariah.

I'm in a relationship that is not unhappy but definitely isn't going anywhere. Basically we have good sex, when we see each other. That's great but it's not the big love story I really hoped to have. I feel tremendous guilt for not providing my child with a nuclear family.

I'm still not good at living alone (sans small child) even 3 years after H left. I don't know what to do with myself in the evenings. I'm bored of myself.

I'd appreciate a virtual slap, or some camaraderie from anyone feeling similar!

No slaps from me but a big hug. I feel the same. It's just been one of those days and I'm exhausted.

I have 5 DC (eldest 15, youngest still a baby) and am also a single parent, so I relate to a lot of this

Thanks peigi, I think I like that better than a slap. Sorry for your shit day. May things improve for us both

Also - please don't feel guilty. There's no such thing as a "perfect" family; nuclear families are often not as perfect as they appear, and as long as your child has people who love them and care for them, that's more than good enough. Sometimes I feel guilty too, but then I remember it's much much more beneficial for my DC to not grow up in the environment that they would have if I was still with my exes.

You're totally right. Logically I do know that me now is much better for DS than the person I was by the time it all fell to pieces with his dad. I'm just sometimes a bit baffled as to how I'm suddenly mid 30s and it's all gone... Well, a bit wrong really. I'm sort of gradually coming to realise that none of what I'd imagined or planned for is ever going to happen. I can't have more children, so this, me and DS, this is the only family I'll have. And that's fine, really, but I wish so much I had someone I really loved, and who really loved me, to make us a 3. Especially when DS is in bed and I'm boring myself stupid.

I think you're pretty bloody amazing to do this alone with 5 children, one a baby. Wow. Thank you for your very kind words.

FredUp I completely emphasise. It's a bit less shit now my eldest are a bit older, so they stay up later and I have some company (although tonight I'd rather just have some peace and quiet!). But when they were younger nights were the absolute worst.

There's someone out there for everyone though - it may take longer for you to find them, but they're there. And from the sound of it, it doesn't sound like your current partner. Life is too short to settle!

Thank you for your lovely words - I feel the same about you. Sending and