Not coping with 13 month age gap

[greencurry]

I have a 15 month old and a 9 week old and I'm not coping. The utter relentlessness of it all is wearing me down. I'm a SAHM but even if I wanted to get a job I couldn't as we can't afford 2 children in nursery. My DH is a HGV driver so works away a lot.

We have no family around to help and can not afford things like nannies or au pairs. The days I'm on my own with them is really really hard.

Any advice?! When will it get easier??

Ah - I had that gap. Then we had another baby so had a 2,1 and newborn. It is doable!

Can you get them napping at roughly the same time? I would also try and get out of the house each day for a walk - even just to the shops

My younger kids are similarly close in age and it's EXHAUSTING. Now that they're a bit older it's not so bad, plus I have the advantage of my eldest DD(15) who's incredibly helpful. (I'm a single parent.)

I'd love to give you some good advice but I really don't have any. Do you have any close friends around who could help out?

Yep it gets easier but don’t expect it to be easier any time soon. I won’t butter it up to make you feel better because it’s better to be realistic so you don’t feel even worse in the long run. I had three in the space of 2.5 years so completely understand the relentlessness. It almost broke me at times, I was very much surviving on autopilot for approx four years straight.

It does get easier in time but I’d say my youngest was two before I felt even slightly human again. It would help you if DH got a new job, that one isn’t very compatible with family life. You need more support.

I had a similar age gap and agree with PP - it does get easier but might not for a little while.

How well do they nap? I think this is key to your sanity.

Do you have a double buggy you can get out and walk with? I used to get out of the house, rain or shine, first thing for a couple of hours. Then home for lunch and naps and then (if I was lucky) it would be almost tea-time.

I know it's hard with no help nearby. I was lucky to be nearer my family and relied on them a lot. Best of luck!

Thanks for your replies and I'm happy to hear you've all survived and come out the other side of it!

Yes we have a double buggy and we also have 2 dogs who get walked everyday so I do get out of the house everyday no matter what. The 15 month old has a lovely 2hr nap in the day but wakes once or twice in the night, the 9 week old is still all over the place, some days they both nap at lunchtime which gives me some slight relief but other days no luck with the 9 week old 😭.

I'm trying hard to cherish this time while they're so young but it's tough when I'm so sleep deprived and exhausted.

Do you have a Home-Start near you? I volunteer with them. You can self-refer and you'd be carefully matched with a volunteer who has been through it and can help with practical and emotional support. Even simple things like playing with the baby while you take a shower, or helping you get to a toddler group where you'll meet other mums etc.

Can you get to NCT groups at all?,I found them a life saver TBH.You can chat away to other mums ,and your 15 month old can play with the other children .Less formal than mother/toddler groups

I had a similar age gap with DC 1 and 2 op. They key is to get the 9 week old into a routine so that they nap at the same time. It takes a few weeks of perseverance but is doable. Do you do lunch before nap? If so, could you give the 1 yo some finger food while you give the baby a feed? Then both down for a nap?

I remember we had a fp newborn to toddler rocker that dc2 would sleep in so I would put the 1 yo down for a nap and then pop the baby in the rocker and use my foot to rock them off to sleep while I put something good on the telly.

It is exhausting but it gets easier, I promise!

Dc2 napped in the rocker, not slept overnight obvs.

I second home start. My daughter had a 13 month age gap with her 2 little girls and she went to a home start group every week for about a year. They were lovely people and a great help to her.

With a one year gap between my 2, I remember it will. It was utterly awful.
The thing which saved my sanity was getting their naps synchronised. I’d walk every morning (to Tesco and buy a fresh baguette for lunch!) so that was 4 miles of fresh air for everyone. Lunch, then play then naps. Play, garden, dinner and bed. It’s honestly relentless.
I really just let my standards slip - did the minimum of housework, because I couldn’t live in a mess. Ate a lot of ready meals.
I felt (for about a year) that I was merely existing and not really living my life. Thankfully, we all got through it alive! It definitely helped when my eldest started playgroup at 2.5 so I had 3 hours just with one child every morning. She loved it, I felt no guilt putting her there.
Oh, and everyone harked on that they would be the best of friends since they are so close in age - they are 7&8 and I’m still waiting for that one

Contact homestart if there's one near you. I have had help from them and volunteer. It's a lovely organisation and they can give you a little support

I’m a stay at home mum and I have a 17 month gap, and my DH is military, so away a lot too.
Literally the only thing that made my life easier was babywearing. I would feed/burp/change the baby, chuck him in a sling, he’d sleep within a few minutes of me walking around the house and I could pretty much forget about him until he wanted another feed! Left me both hands free to deal with the older one, maybe run the hoover round or get a load of washing in the machine etc.
As others have said, I tried to get out of the house as much as I could - even if it was just walking half a mile to the shop for a pint of milk. That was an adventure for DC1, burnt off some energy for her and stopped me from just staring at the same four walls all day!
I promise you it gets easier - as the younger one grows and starts to take an interest in toys and trying to get himself mobile, you’ll probably find the older one takes more of an interest in him My DD pretty much ignored DS entirely until he was about 5 months old and started trying to roll over and crawl etc, then She realised she had someone to “play with” all the time, and that little bond between them just grew as DS got old enough to actively play along.
They are 4 and 2.5 now, and like most siblings they either play wonderfully together (like today) as they are interested in all the same things, or they are actively trying to kill each other (like yesterday!) - but like anything, you win some you lose some
Also, even though you feel overwhelmed by by it all, and like you are drowning in the chaos, I promise you that you’re most likely doing great Even now, I go by the rule that if we make it to bed time, and everyone is fed, relatively clean and still alive, then the day has been a success

CatFace OMG YES!
The synchronised nap around lunchtime was absolute bliss When they fell into that routine it was amazing! Just an hour of respite in the middle of the day made all the difference for me

Can you afford part time childcare for your older child? If so I'd find somewhere for them for a few hours a week so you can have a doze with the little one in the daytime. You have to do whatever it takes to get through this time.

I empathise as DH was an HGV driver when we had twins and a 5 year old so I also had school runs to do on my own and no family support. He was away overnight so I had all the night wakings which were NOT synchronised no matter how hard I tried to get them to be! It was horrendous for about 4 years. I second the PP who suggested a career change for your DH.

My Sister and I are 13 months apart and my Dad was a farmer. I know my Mum wore through two sets of park wheels walking with us.
Now she has 40 years of hindsight she says you do get all the nappies done in one big hit.
We did play together a lot as we were so close in age. But we also fought a bit.
There were of course 4 years of hell for GCSEs and A-Levels as I was only in the school year above my sister.
She does feel compared to her friends who had their children two or three years apart she actually had an easier time. Oh and just after I was born her mare had a foal so she had that going on too.

@intovalhalla I would make sure the dishwasher was loaded, the washing machine was full and toys were away before putting them up. Then I would just sit with my tea and a sandwich for a blissful hour or 2! I tried to make sure that was my break, and not 2 hours to do housework!

15 months between mine.

Big advantage when older. They didn't always get on but at least they were able to do the same sort of thing at the same time.

Things like swimming, playgrounds, holidays etc are easier when the are close in age and ability.

First couple of years is a nightmare though.

CatFace by the point DC2 was born, DC1 was happily sleeping in her cot for naps, but DC2 had every nap in a sling for the first year or so....so I moved my rocking chair into the living room, got him to sleep in the sling while I made myself some lunch then just sat and rocked in the chair for the duration As long as there was constant rocking in the chair, it was all good!

I’m quite glad to hear others saying the first year or two was shit. I have an 18 month gap and am 5 months in and it is absolute hell a lot of the time. Everyone else I know with a similar gap said the first few weeks were hard but it was fine after that!

18 months between my oldest 2 and omg I didn't think I would survive. I was a single parent too so it was double hard.
I agree with pp get them to nap together it saves your sanity.
Try to plan something to get out and about toddler groups/parks etc.
It gets easier I promise. In the mean time

Thanks everyone for your solidarity and suggestions! I thought home start was strictly means-tested? If no, then I'll have a look tomorrow to see if there is home start support in my area!

@CatFaceCats exactly this, I'm just existing, not living I want to be present enough to enjoy my days with them both but I'm too exhausted and just doing the next thing and the next thing, breakfast, breastfeed, nappies, bottles, etc.,

Oh, and I'll work on the synchronised lunchtime naps!! I do miss those 2 lovely hours when DD1 napped in the middle of the day and I did absolutely bugger-all except watch trash TV and drink tea

Mine with a 12 1/2 month gap are now nearly 13 and nearly 14.

I survived mainly by going to every toddler group going, Monday-Friday. I would go to one every morning, then on Tuesday afternoon there was one at the Surestart centre, then on Wednesdays, there was a Playbus that parked up just down the road from me.

So, I was only home alone with them from 12.30 on Mondays and Thursdays, as DP finishes work at 2pm on Fridays.

It DOES get easier, I promise you. Getting it all done at once is great. I now have two teens (near enough) and all I have to deal with is their teenage attitude.

I had that same gap. Getting them to have a big nap at the same time in the afternoon was an absolute game changer.

My dh used to drive for a living at the time and we really only saw him at weekends.

It is hard but it definitely does get easier and they are so close now.

I went on to have another 2 (with much bigger age gaps 😂 so i can't have been too traumatised by it)