Today has been awful

[warmjumpercoldhouse]

I start a new job tomorrow and I guess I've kind of freaked out about it today and manifested it with my mental health. Had an awful day of binge eating (feeling so so sick right now) and OCD behaviours mixed with anxiety.

I think I'm already thinking as if I've failed at this new job before even starting it, I've never been able to keep a job before due to my MH getting in the way and I really need this one as I have no money now as my PIP has been cancelled (currently appealing!) I can't keep relying on my family & BF financially forever.

I get scared about socialising at work, if the co workers will like me, what happens if I get tired/have a panic attack or get anxious etc. I hate eating around people and know that I will look strange with the way I eat/if I don't eat at all etc.

Everything seems to have gone wrong this evening too, I feel awful, sick & like I have a sore throat coming on, my BF and I have had an argument and he's not talking to me, my work clothes are sopping wet and taking ages to dry on the radiator etc.

I feel like I need a hug and a cry with someone who will listen right now, wish I could call my mum but I can't as I don't want to tell her about the job until it's been a week so I know it's going well. I keep stressing her out with getting jobs then not managing them so having to quit etc.

Oh god it went so badly, I was up until ridiculous o clock in the morning unable to sleep, woke up, got there & around 11am I had a panic attack, started hyperventilating and had to leave. My manager rang me and was angry as apparently I should have told them I have MH issues as it's a disability. I hate telling people as I'm so embarrassed by it.

Anyway, I quit over the phone. God I wish I could function like a normal person, I'm 20 years old and can't manage to work. So embarrassing.

I’m so sorry to hear it was so difficult for you. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

What can you do to try and make it easier for you to work? Are you on medication and/or having any therapy? What’s your biggest concern about work - you can then take small steps to start tackling this.

You had an interview, got the job and actually went in, so there are positives that you should be proud of!

I'm so sorry to hear how things went. Could you withdraw your resignation? Contact HR. Tell them what your situation is, they are trained to deal with disability and will not judge you. They just need to know what allowances they need to make to comply with the law. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did so well to get this far, I'm sure it can be fixed

Oh, I agree with contacting them again.

It may well feel like such a massive thing to you right now but to them it was a panic attack, you panicked and left... you could try again, tell us about the role?

Just read your thread. I'm sorry you had a tough day .

Contact your line manager, be honest and ask if they will give you another chance.

Are you getting any treatment for your MH? If so what & do you feel it's helping?

It sounds like you need a safe environment to build confidence & social skills. The Princes Trust run workshops for young people which can help with employability. I'm sure other organisations run similar workshops & have volunteering that may help

I'm on anti depressants (have been since I was 14, so 6 years now) but since I turned 18 I've been on the adult mental health services waiting list with no therapy opening up anytime soon. I can barely leave my house most days.

Thank you to everyone for lovely words and trying to help, it's nice to know some people listen

Might be worth reading up on ASD in women, OP. Ditto ADD/ADHD. Very much under-diagnosed in women.

How are you today OP? Any thoughts on what you’re going to do now?

I'm sorry it didn't go so well, OP. You have a lot on your plate. What about finding some work you can do from home, even if just in the short term. Maybe even selling stuff on eBay to start with?

@Dancer12345 Morning, I'm okay, pretty exhausted emotionally I think.
No idea what to do, I'm going back to college in September so I guess I'm just waiting for that to start now.

@Cailleach I was assessed for autism when I was 13 but it was negative. What are ASD, ADD? Thanks.

@TitchyP Thank you, I actually have previously sold things on eBay but not much money came from it!

Ok maybe not eBay but it does sound as though working from home might suit you at the moment. Thinks about the skills you have.

ASD is autis tic spectrum disorder. Girls have historically been mis -diagnosed as they don't generally present as autistic according to the classic, male-orientated criteria. Autistic women are generally superb maskers, mimicking others and using social "scripting" to get by. They may have screened you at 13 but that does not mean that their opinion back then was correct. I would strongly advise reading up on ASD in women. You can start right here on the Special Needs boards - you may find the descriptions of the problems of the children of the posters on there ring bells with you.

ADD and ADHD are other neurological disorders...attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, respectively.

@Cailleach Sounds interesting, I will speak to my GP about it, I do find I have to 'put on a front' to seem normal in front of people, could that be an indicator?

Can you ask your GP for an update on when counselling will be available? My area runs NHS funded MH workshops in groups with skills to help MH and coping strategies etc. That is always offered before counselling as for some people it can really help. It may be worth challenging your GP for both a medication review and what other support is available