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Original poster

How to stop being jealous

26 replies

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 08:26

I am not a grabby person, I don't think anyway. I have loads. We're OK, money is tight in that we have to choose between stuff we need and go without but all the basics are covered. We have a camping holiday in france once a year and a trip to Spain with in laws once a year too. We struggle with childcare costs, we both work full time, aren't entitled to benefits, run a car, get weekly shop delivered. Are saving up for a new car as we've got another kid on the way and our car won't fit the car seats and pram in a the moment. We live in a 3 bed semi detached, eat out or get a take away a couple of times a month. I live a sheltered live, don't know what it's like to not have enough to cover bills, never had to use food banks. Life is good. Normal, I'd say.

But, at the moment, I'm struggling to feel happy for people with more. My younger sister plays the system and works cash in hand but gets lots of benefits and always seems flush. My older sister has married a very rich bloke. She's never worked, has two kids, lives in a massive detached house with 2 cars, expensive holidays, cleaner, the works.

I don't know why I care! I can't be happy for her.

I need practical tips on how to get over this. Counselling? Fake it til I make it?

So that's me. Be kind, I know I'm a brat but I genuinely want to happy for others and not frame it where I feel jealous. Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 08:30

Younger sister is early 30s, I'm mid, older sis is late 30s. I know I sound like I'm bloody 18🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

ssd · 21/05/2019 08:38

I think if someone is kind and genuinely nice you are never jealous of them. If someone doesn't appreciate what they have or they make you feel lower than them then you can be jealous as you feel they don't deserve it. Does your older sister lord it above you a bit, or complain about money? And your younger sister might envy what you've got as you got it yourself.
I know there will be loads of posters come on and say crap like Comparison is the thief of joy... Etc etc and how they never ever feel jealous of anyone, but I think jealousy underlies something else usually.

FiremanKing · 21/05/2019 08:45

Your life sounds full and enriched.
Maybe look at things from a different perspective?

The sister who is cheating the system has to live in fear that she will get a knock on the door.

The one that doesn’t work because her husband is rich my be lonely and bored and her husband may work long hours etc.

Everyone has their own problems and it may surprise you that your sisters may actually think that you have a great life.

Happiness with your husband and children is what you have successfully achieve a and that in itself is something everyone can envy.

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 08:46

My older sis is kind but I don't think she really understands what it's like to have to work full time and doesn't seem to get how priviledged she is. Which I know is exactly how I sound. She does moan about how hard it is with the kids and never has time for anything and she's the darling of the family I suppose. My parents always give up their master bedroom when they stay over. They say they do it because she's a bit of a princess and the rest of us are more resilient. But she seems to just get everything handed to her.

When she was younger and didn't work and I worked and saved, I used to think it'll come back to bite her and I'll have a nice life and she's lazy and will regret it. But it's not worked out that way. Now I'm run ragged, never see my daughter and feeling low that my time at home is a mix of house work and food prep and she lives in a big house. Although the husband is never really around and mine is literally the best husband and dad ever. So there's that.

She's also really good looking, just as the final straw for me 😂

OP posts:

FiremanKing · 21/05/2019 08:53

Ah but if she’s very good looking then it might be a worry to maintain her looks so that’s another added pressure on her!

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 08:59

But she can afford to. She gets her hair cut and coloured regularly, goes to an expensive gym, has facials etc. She's a nice person, I do feel bad for feeling so jealous

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2019 09:03

I know it's a cliche but money really isn't everything. Older dsis is rattling around in her big house, DH is nowhere to be seen and she's probably lonely. You've got a lovely DH and she's probably jealous of you. You should feel sorry for her. Your younger dsis doesn't sound very nice and maybe she's struggling, with her cash in hand and her benefits. I wouldn't envy her. You're in the best place OP.

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 09:07

So do I need to just keep telling myself this until I believe it? Maybe I should have a chat with them about it?

OP posts:

Baskerville · 21/05/2019 09:09

OP, this isn't what you asked, but if things are as tight as you say, and you already struggle with childcare costs for two children, why are you having another child?

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 09:14

We got pregnant before we lived with the impact of childcare costs and it was a contraception fail.

OP posts:

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 21/05/2019 09:15

Technically, what you're feeling is envious (wanting what someone else has) rather than jealous (not wanting anyone to take what's yours). But I appreciate that's not a helpful comment! Sorry. :)

I wouldn't talk to them. The only cure for envy is to make yourself feel better about your own life. So focus your attentions there. You must be feeling a lack in some area of your life, or other people's success/comfort wouldn't get to you.

Is this a recent thing? Could saving up for the new car be curbing your treats more than usual, which coincided with your sisters seeming especially flush?

Bookaholic73 · 21/05/2019 09:18

I would start being more grateful for your own life and what you already have.
Start a daily gratitude journal and write 10 things every day that you are grateful for.
Stop focusing on other people’s lives, and focus on your own.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 21/05/2019 09:19

Another thing to remember is everyone's lives (and money) goes through peaks and troughs. You're in a trough financially, due to young DC and childcare costs. Your younger sister is in a peak with benefits and cash in hand.

But long term, you'll be in a peak when the DC are all at school and you and your DH have been promoted. But your younger sister will hit a trough if she loses her cash-in-hand work (which doesn't sound like it's got any career trajectory) and/or loses her benefits if she lives with someone.

Your older sister could trough it if her rich DH ever left her, or they split up. You've got your own money: she hasn't.

Over the years it'll all even out.

newjobnerves · 21/05/2019 09:24

You're at a tricky stage with pre schooler/s, I found things slot into place when they start school. Financially more comfortable and I guess life just generally easier as babies and toddlers are hard work. I don't "look out" as much now, I'm much more a able to look in and appreciate what I have. Have a look at the 6 minute diary.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/05/2019 11:03

So do I need to just keep telling myself this until I believe it? Maybe I should have a chat with them about it?

How could they help? They can't, really.

It's not telling yourself until you believe it, as such, it's learning to look for the good in your own life and actively stopping yourself whenever you feel envy. Train yourself not to be envious. The grass always looks greener, and all that!

user1493423934 · 21/05/2019 12:36

Although the husband is never really around and mine is literally the best husband and dad ever. So there's that.

That

MooBaaLaLaLa · 21/05/2019 13:06

Your life sounds bloody fabulous to me, I'm envious!!

I know what you mean though, I keep telling myself that some people have it worse than me, ie. homeless, live in war zones etc. but it doesn't make you feel that much better when everyone around you have so much more and take it for granted.

Hadalifeonce · 21/05/2019 13:12

DD friend has a very rich family, think private jets for holidays. DD has always wanted to have the things this friend has, but as I said to DD her friend hardly ever sees her dad, as he's travelling all the time. DD would rather have family time.
Some other people I know are also very wealthy, she is really really unhappy, and has often told me she envies our family life.
So money doesn't always equate to happiness, and you can never tell what goes on behind closed door.

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 14:22

I was preparing myself for an absolute onslaught of negativity which I wasn't looking forward to but I thought might get me out of this mindset none the less. Instead I feel like I can get over this now by focusing on the positives on my own life, of which there are many.

User14... Wasnt sure what you meant by highlighting the that but I meant it in the there's that relevant information to consider kind of way.

OP posts:

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 21/05/2019 15:47

I know what you mean, OP.

I seethe with envy at anyone who doesn't work. I hate working with a passion but obviously need to live as we couldn't live on one salary and I don't think it would be fair to OH to have him be the only one working.

But my God! I am always trying to win the lottery and if I ever hear anyone say they don't work I just hate them!! I realise this is petty and I have no idea how to get over it. But it's how I feel.

Monkeyssplit · 21/05/2019 16:25

I don't think your sister hardly seeing her husband, or being lonely or splitting up with her husband and ending up in financial difficulty should cheer you up at all! I don't know why people are suggesting it might make you feel better to think there is a possibility she is unhappy. She is your sister. She has it good. Great! If you don't like your life try to make it better. But frankly 2 European holidays a year suggest that you don't have a money problem. Perhaps the problem is not your finances but what you do with your time or your job or something else.

Original poster

Cuppa12345 · 21/05/2019 17:24

I'm not ready it as I should take joy in others misfortune but that my perception that their lives are so easy because of their circumstances isn't necessarily a fair assessment and the things I have that aren't money orientated - like an amazing husband that pulls his weight and is present - shouldn't be undervalued.

2 European holidays a year does sound flush but one is camping (with our own gear) in France and one is with our in laws at their villa. I know this is still great, but it's not like they cost a huge amount as we don't have the spare money but I agree it's hardly living in poverty.

I said in the OP we don't have money problems. We are normal, have to go without sometimes but that isn't petrol or food or essentials. It's getting new trainers or a winter coat from the charity shop instead of new, kind of thing.

OP posts:

Crazyhen · 21/05/2019 20:11

My life sounds really similar to yours, although you sound a tiny bit more comfortable! I also find myself envying what other people who have and feeling bitter about how they have come to have it, feeling that it isn't fair, they don't deserve it etc.

The only thing that works for me is moving focus away from others and focusing on my own life and improving our position. I really believe that when you are so concerned with other people's lives and choices, it is usually because you're not 100% happy with your own (even if you feel that you should be). So work on the things that you feel are making you unhappy. It isn't a one off fix though. When I feel the jealousy feelings creeping in, I have to refocus and remind myself that I need to look at myself and my own life.

ssd · 21/05/2019 22:13

I don't know anyone who is 100% happy with their lives though, I feel that's an unrealistic claim. Most of us should be, but life us never that simple, is it.

Crazyhen · 21/05/2019 22:49

Ok, "100% happy" was just meant as a figure of speech. What I meant is, normally if you're that interested in and jealous of other people's lives and what they have, you are more than averagely unhappy witb your own life and need to address this in order to feel less jealous

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