Exactly that really. Just feel like im constantly playing a balancing act.
Im 23, due back to work off mat leave in 5 weeks. DS currently nearly 8 months. current plates peing span are:
- money arrangements (paying nursery, transfering from mat pay to actual pay when i start working again. Will be claiming childcare element of universal credit which is stressful in itself, they dont exactly have the best reputation in the press)
- imediate family. DS and DH time that is guilt free. Someone always wants to be involved in what we are doing to spend more time with DS, ignoring the fact that weekends are DH only real time with his own child.
- DM. Moved about an hours drive from us before DS was born. Told her it would effect the amount they say him. She now guilts me into seeing her at least once a week. She is still mourning the loss of her mum who died 1.5 years ago but my mum never actual addresses her issues she just hides from them. Has been diagnosed with, in her words, "perhaps a little bit of depression". Has previously voiced an opinion (which is far from supported by myself) that depression and anxiety are selfish illnesses which come from the sufferer wanting attention. Again, refuses to address her diagnosis despite support. Instead, she says things like "i want to see my grandsin to cheer me up, that will help". Alsi, recently started new job where her days off are different to mine when i go back to work so have has lots of "uh when mummy goes back, that will be the end of our close bond" to DS who, thankfully, doesnt understand.
- family holiday. Were meant to be going away with my parents in june. Have said, due to unforseen financial changes, that we cant go. Queue guilt texts from dad, offers of them paying for everything so we dont have to etc. Not actually listening to the fact we want some family time alone before i go back to work, DH holidays are minimal, finances dont allow and DS didnt settle well/too long in the car when we went in march (same destination).
- SIL is bloody hard work. Rehoused by council due to DV to a more rural area near our house. Doesnt drive. Its only 'rural' to her because she doesnt drive. Constant asks to come with us everywhere with her kids. But doesnt actually ask, just drops hints. E.g we are on a day out, DH posts picture of DS on family whatsapp. Que messages from SIL such as "i wish i could take kids out for the day, everyone has such a good day. Feel sorry for me here alone". Constantly takes drugs, goes AWOL then just pops back into our lives expecting all to be forgiven.
- DS suffering from seperation anxiety. Constant crying unless held.. including bedtime.
Also have DH family to fit in around DH work commitments. They also make snide "havent seen him in ages" comments.
Reality is, we have so much family that dont speak to each other thanks to divorces, drug habbits, rightousness, that if we saw one person per weekend, it would be 12 weeks before we got one to ourselves and by that time, theyre all asking again. Thats not including friends.
I get people want to DS and i love that and id never stop anyone seeing him but something has to give. Im litterally at the end of my tether (i say this everyday so not quite sure how much this 'tether' grows overnight, but i feel like im constantly at the end of it).
Reading it back, it seems i have my own issues to deal with (money, DS) the rest is people either guilting or making us feel responsible for their happiness.
Is this just what life is now? Constantly balancing other peoples feelings and emotions before our own?
Day in day out with DS is bloody hard atm, hes found that he can scream talk and doesnt bloody stop. It goes right through me.
Help me spin these plates more efficiently, please!! Apologise for the long post but i do feel better for it. Worst part is, as soon as one issue is sorted, another pops up!