My frenemy has died

[SmoreSmore]

NC for this post.
Part of a big group of women. We have all been more or less close to each other at times but one in particular and I had a big falling out some time ago (not really the time to go into detail - but was not terribly becoming for either of us) and then kind of patched it up for the good of the group and in recent years have regained a real, if wary, friendship. And now she has died. And my emotions are a bit all over the place. We all live scattered across the country now but will all get together for the memorial in due course and we are supporting each other over online chats but I feel like I have less of a right to grieve if that makes sense because everyone knew that of the group we were the two with difficulties. Nevertheless I have known her for over 25 years, shared a bachelorette flat with her when we both first moved to London and was one of the first to see her babies and vice versa, and she was part of a big girlie pissup holiday when my first marriage fell apart. That said, she was also the person I felt was pretty bad for the group dynamic and not always kind and, well I often wished we were not part of the same group. So now I feel sad and also like a horrible person.

Don’t beat yourself up over it. You were close at one time and you knew here for a very long time even if during somebody of those times you didn’t get on.

Her dying is still a loss to you and you have just as much validity in feeling grief as anyone else.

Understandably you have mixed feelings,it was 25yr friendship ups & downs
There is a societal expectation to elevate someone if they die,get ill
To the extent glowing praise is expected or metaphors to disguise their behaviour,impact on others
Difficult, feisty,spirited all all euphemisms to describe uncomfortable traits

Relationships and people are complicated. for you. It must feel strange.

Your mixed feelings about her don't invalidate any grief that you feel, or give you less right to grieve. People are allowed to grieve for ex-partners, people they're not in touch with any more, and family members who drove them up the wall. You're allowed to grieve for all of the parts of your relationship with this woman.
You're allowed to grieve what it was, what you thought it was going to be, what you may have hoped it would turn into. You don't have to spend the wake telling everyone what you didn't like about her but as pp says you don't have to evangelize about her.

When we're out of our early 20s I reckon we're also grieving part of our own lives we'll never get back, and for our own mortality, and that's ok too.

I had survivor's guilt over a friend I'd drifted apart from, and at times resented/been angry with. It made the guilt worse. A mutual friend helped to remind me that it's a pointless emotion ultimately unless you can channel it into something.

So, grieve freely. Write pages and pages of letters to her if that helps. And then stick out your chin and continue living.

I had someone like that pass away. They caused massive strife in my relationship with dp. I cried at their funeral and support my dp who was a much longer term friend. But honestly haven't grieved for them once since. You do not have to grieve but you are also allowed to grieve for when you were friends and for the good shared history. Writing it out as a pp said is a good idea. But how you grieve for this person is only of concern to you and nobody else's business. Your other friends will recognise it was complicated.