If you're a full-time WOHM do you have mum friends? And if so, how?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

^Just that! I have a 10 month old. All my friends made on mat leave either aren't going back to work or are going back very part-time and it's not really working for me, either on a practical level or emotionally, really - I went out with my antenatal group on Friday and ended up crying about the constant barbed comments about my work when I got home, so I shan't be repeating that! But it's nice to chat babies sometimes (none of my pre-existing friends have babies) and while he's obviously still too young at the moment I'd like to have the option of play dates when he's older. Any tips for making mum/baby friends if you work full-time? I take him to a baby swimming class on a Saturday but it's me and then a load of dads (with their wives watching and doing the baby changing!) and no one talks to each other because they're all couples.

Most of my friends are from before DC. Most of us are back at work FT. Sorry, that’s not very helpful.

But what about other people from nursery? Play dates with their DC will let you meet them?

BTW the only people who’ve ever had a pop at me turned out to be those who weren’t 100% happy in their own choices. The SAHMs who are 100% happy have always accepted my choice.

He goes to a childminder so there are only the three of them under 5, and one of those is the childminder's son (and I don't think she wants to see more of us at the weekend!). I've never actually met the mother of the other toddler, but I suppose as they get older they might be up for a playdate - that's a good suggestion, thanks.

I don't know if it's the area I live in or just bad luck, but I am encountering constant criticism for working. I don't work particularly long hours (actually I flex them so I work when he's in bed most nights for the trade-off of more time with him and I compress my hours into 4.5 days) but I get told constantly how much I'll regret it, how he's not little for long, that they wouldn't have had children just to 'palm them off', that they don't know how I can bear it, etc, etc

I get told constantly how much I'll regret it, how he's not little for long, that they wouldn't have had children just to 'palm them off', that they don't know how I can bear it, etc, etc

Seriously ?? Where the hell did you meet these people? I mean I'm sure some people might have thought it but nobody ever felt free to say so to my face! You definitely need to ditch them, they're not your friends.

I understand what you mean about wanting play dates when he's older and yes, sometimes you want to talk babies but I think in specifically looking for "mum friends" you're kind of seeking out people you don't necessarily have much in common with except a baby. On maternity leave I found that plenty of my single or child free friends and colleagues were quite happy to meet for coffee or lunch with the baby along too. In fact some of them were far more into talking babies than I was!

The so called mum friends I have were friends from before we had dc, then some were colleagues (of mine or DH) that we had already known but started socializing more with because we had dc in common.

Tbh though my two closest friends don't have any dc so I would encourage you not to risk existing friendships in the search for mum friends. Play dates will come during the nursery and school years but many of those friendships can be about convenience and proximity rather than the real and lasting friendships that are built through shared experiences and interests.

They sound awful! Poor you OP.

I went back full time when DS was 16 weeks. I still see the NCT crowd a fair bit as like you I can be flexible with my hours. They probably do inwardly judge me for going back but outwardly are very supportive.

I wouldn’t get too hung up on mum friends tbh. There will be plenty of opportunity for play dates once your DC starts preschool etc.

I’d advise moving swimming or something else to your 0.5 day off. My “mum friends” are from a Friday swimming class - we all worked the rest of the week.

Anyone at work with kids of similar age who lives nearby/somewhere mutually convenient? I have quite a few parent friends from work and it was lovely to catch up with them plus kids while on mat leave, as while I eventually went back full time a lot of them are part time.

Not really, but that’s a personal choice. I do still keep in touch with a few from my NCT group (from when my first was born 6 years ago), but like on social media, we see each other about once a year. I am friendly with other mums at school (we chat in the school yard, arrange play dates, etc). But I wouldn’t consider them friends. They are acquaintances. I find I have much more in common with women I know through work (many of whom are also mums).

But I wouldn’t say there is necessarily a divide because I work and others didn’t, it’s much more about personality. My closest mum friend from my NCT group is a SAHM and my closest mum ‘acquaintance’ at school is as well, but we also probably have some things in common. I don’t really have much to say to the other mums at school as we have very different backgrounds and interests. They wouldn’t be anyone I’d be friends with if our children weren’t friends, so don’t really have any interest even though they are.

Yes from nursery, although it does take a few years to all click. Nursery is the best for socialising!

It’s a shame you’ve had such negative comments OP. You must be surrounded by people who don’t have as good career opportunities as you’ve worked for. I also found this towards the back end of maternity leave. Not going back to a minimum wage job in a mobile phone shop isn’t quite the same as giving up a career, lol

No, my friends remained the same. Id no desire to create new friends just to talk babies or have play dates.. She had plenty of play dates when she went to school and was with other kids before them when in child care.

I've no idea why you'd want these idiots to be your friends anyway. Sounds like a bunch of arseholes to me.

Also OP, give it time. I don’t mean to patronise but, you might find you don’t really want/ need mum friends now you’re back at work- you won’t have anything like as much time to fill and may well find coffee with other mums just isn’t a consideration anymore, especially as your time off will be precious.

Also by 2 we were in full swing weekend classes- swimming, music, dance- and let people there also. Again, it takes time. People try and make friends on mat leave but In real life, not so much. They just get on with it.

Thanks for the advice all - you're probably right that there's no need for me to worry too much about 'mum friends'. It would just be nice to socialise in a baby-friendly way sometimes - it was really easy to meet up with child-free friends when he was tiny and spent the time in a sling or his pram while I chatted, but he's miserable unless he's on the move now, so seeing me with him in tow is pretty tiresome unless you're also chasing after a small person! It's sort of because I don't have much time to fill that it would be nice to socialise WITH DS a bit more, so I don't have to pick between seeing friends and having some precious time with him.

Maybe what I actually need are more local friends. We live in a commuter town where I don't work, and all my friends are either in London or the city where I work, and both are about 45 minutes journey away. No one ever wants to come to our town (because it is, to be fair, soulless and people only live here because they can't afford London). That was fine before DS, but now I'm finding it difficult. I guess I thought making local friends with babies would kill two birds with one stone.

I’m not full-time (4 days a week) but I have quite a few work mum friends, as loads of us got pregnant in the same year. Four of us in particular are close. I also have mum friends from NCT, and several of my old university friends have had babies in the last couple of years.

I’m sorry to hear your antenatal mum friends are such dicks. Our group had one SAHM, one fulltimer, three parttimers working 4, 3, or 2 days a week and two mums starting/continuing their own artistic businesses while staying at home most of the time. And as far as I’m aware, none of us judged any of the others. Have you gone to any local playgroups?

And there’s been studies that show children with working mothers tend to have a better work ethic themselves, especially little girls. Tell them to stick that in their pipes and smoke it, sanctimonious dicks.

To be fair, the group discussion wasn't explicitly about me - one of the other women announced she was no longer going back to work because they wouldn't let her go part-time, and so there was a long discussion about how of course she therefore couldn't go back, with all the 'you'd regret it forever', 'dumping them in nursery', etc, etc. So I guess they would say no one was talking about me and I was being oversensitive (I just stayed silent throughout) - but they all know I work full-time.

I got lots of (very lightly veiled) comments about the fact I was going back to work at six months and full-time (people asked, I wasn't going around volunteering this information) throughout my mat leave. I think it is really quite unusual around here, where the 'high earning DH who works in London' seems to be a standardly-issued accessory.

My parent friends are nearly all work mates - we end up at the same classes, waiting for kids, etc. But it sounds like your work is quite far from where you live and thus your kid wouldn't necessarily be crossing paths so much?

It also sounds like you've found quite a bunch. I'm still in touch with a breastfeeding group (now I help out new mums) and it has a range from a SAHM with 5-and-counting kids all the way through to a highly sucesfull career woman, and no one judges. It is possible.

Saturday toddler groups - football is often on a weekend as is gymnastics.

You will get judged as a mother for whatever choice you make.

I wonder if men worry about having dad friends....

'mum' friends are about convenience because you're kids happen to like playing together and that's fun for your child (and often easier for you).
Otherwise they're just 'friends'.

One category is about what suits your child, the other is about what suits you.
The two don't always coincide.

I know a group of six 'mum' friends through nursery (I went back to work after mat leave), of those I'd consider 3 to be friends. The others I like but would probably not hang out with individually minus the kids.

But my closest friends are those I've known long before I had kids (and most aren't mums or dads as it happens).