Is this normal behaviour or is my 11 year old really selfish?

[StormyLovesOdd]

I need to take my Mum to a hospital appointment next week. Mum has recently had a cancer diagnosis and this appointment is to discuss her treatment options with the oncologist.

The appointment is the same day as my sons sports day at school. Not a big problem I thought, my son isn't particularly bothered about sports either way. I just sat my son down and told him I probably won't be able to go to sports day as I need to take Granny to hospital because she's not very well and needs an operation. He burst into tears, huge wracking sobs and cries of "no no no".

He doesn't know how serious the diagnosis is with Mum as I wanted to keep it as light as possible until we know how extensive the cancer is. He just knows she's not very well, I've talked to him about it and it's not that he's worried about her, he just wants me to go to sports day.

His reaction has really shocked and disappointed me, he's always been really kind and caring but not once did he ask how Grandma is. Is this normal to be so selfish?

I would think that he is probably more anxious about his grandmother than you think. He may not even realise that he’s upset because he’s worried about her - anxiety manifests itself in strange ways and sometimes we fixate on the wrong cause. It is likely much easier for him to acknowledge you not being able to attend sports day as the reason he’s upset than put into words his worries for his grandmother. Even if you are trying to shield him from it at 11 he will no doubt have picked up on your own worry and that of the other adults around him.

I think you need to sit with him, have a cuddle and try to address and explain what is happening with his Grandmother and why you need to go to the hospital with her. Then maybe plan something nice to do with him the night before to try and take his mind off it and to reassure him.

Sometimes children can be unthinking. Their impulse control is immature. I would't worry about having brought up a selfish child until I'd heard a considered response.

Talk to him. See what's going on in his mind. You may find out something unexpected.

I have sat down and talked to him, he just keeps saying it's not fair and I'd promised to go to sports day.

My DH is going to try and get the day off work to go to sports day but I feel so disappointed with my son.

It obviously means a lot to him that you should keep that promise, I suppose. Or he feels like you care for grandma more than him and is objecting. Can you send a substitute to sports day who will cheer him on? Is it his last primary school one?

I think it's possible the fear of losing Grandma is making him cling on tighter to you. Fear of change. Sports day is no doubt usual safe predictable routine.

He will have picked up on heightened emotions even if not contiously expressed by you or absorbed by him.

Is he y6? I’m not sure I’d necessarily equate not being bothered about sport with not being upset that there wouldn’t be a parent/supporter at a primary school sports day. At my DD’s school not having someone there, even a friend’s parent, would have been miserable as there were picnics and it was a family event with various special things put on for y6.

I find them to be fairly self absorbed at that age. And looking back I think I was!

Also, she's your Mum - that's a very different relationship which is a lot more intense. He's an 11 year old boy, and it's his Grandmum.

Basically they tend to see things in terms of how it will affect them, and if it will at ALL affect them negatively, well, that's disastrous! That's the REAL tragedy. Why is someone putting someone other than THEIR needs first, lol.

Yes he's in year 6. Sports day is a very low key event at his school and over in about an hour. Most parents don't go but I always do so I suppose it was a bit of a shock realising I wouldn't be there.

I think he is quite self absorbed, please tell me he'll grow out of it

I don’t think they always grasp getting old and the inevitable illnesses that may come with it.

They do however have a big thing about what their peers think and not having your mum/dad/parent/carer there can cause anxiety in case another child makes a comment.

I don’t think he’s being selfish in the way that adults are selfish, he’s simply emotionally invested in not being seen as the odd one out at school or to give another child a chance to ‘ridicule’ or pick on him.

I think that it's unfair to call him self-absorbed when you admit yourself that you have downplayed the seriousness of the illness. If you've described it as 'not very well' he's probably thinking of the last time he was ill (with a tummy bug / sore throat / whatever) and equating it to that.

I also think that we spend the early years of a child pandering to their needs and putting them first then when they get a bit older and a situation such as yours arises, we suddenly expect them to act like a grown up.

That’s not to say I don’t understand how you feel as I would feel the same.

I hope your mother will be ok.

He knows Granny needs to have an operation. I'm trying to think back to how I was at 11, honestly can't remember and DS is an only child so I have no other children to compare him to

I think it’s a bit much to expect a child of that age to be able to put other people ahead of themselves. Will this be his last sports day at primary? He might be thinking that too

If you are basing this on one incident then YABU. My 7 year old is unbelievably sweet. Very kind. Adores his sibling. Two spent two months in intensive care and his big brother cried himself to sleep with worry. Anyway we had a small scare with DS2. Took him to the paediatric ward and there was some talk of keeping him overnight. In the end it didn’t happen and DS2 is fit and healthy. But an overnight stay would have meant not being able to attend his Assembly the next day. He was sobbing his heart out at this. And I was all ‘come on mate, your tiny brother is sick, have some perspective.’ But they don’t. And they can’t express it. And they can worry about their sibling/grandmother and still want someone to attend X that they had been promised. They know they are being unreasonable but it doesn’t take away from their sadness. And he adores his sibling and worries about him more than I do so I didn’t reprimand him.

However, if he’s generally selfish then it would be different and I would look to addressing that more widely and not just in this instance.

I've not noticed any selfish behaviour previously so yes maybe I'm too quick to judge him. We have a close family member (trying to be vague) here who are very selfish and toxic and I think this just worried me that he's going to follow suit.

I need to cut him some slack I think. I was just really surprised at his reaction.

This is his last sports day before senior school I'm disappointed too, was looking forward to going and cheering him on. I feel even worse now for judging him