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Original poster

Would you leave?

22 replies

CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 12:17

Recently separated due to the following reasons

Refusal to get a joint bank account
Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house
Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times
Refusal to drop child at nursery.

would you leave due to these issues?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/05/2019 12:22

As individual issues they don't sound good. Put together they sound even worse; anyone who refuses to contribute towards normal family life, who refuses to pick up their fair share of the graft doesn't deserve to live with the blessings family life brings. So yes, I'd leave. And I'd be brutally honest about the selfish behaviour being the reason.

ScreamingValenta · 20/05/2019 12:23

Refusal to get a joint bank account

I would never in a million years open a joint bank account with anyone, so I am with him there.

Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house

Context needed - is this essential work, or 'nice to have' things that he doesn't think are needed?

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times

Again, what are stupid times and how often does this happen?

Refusal to drop child at nursery.

What is his reason for this?

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 12:26

Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house= he refused to pay for a new bathroom or kitchen but will happily use them

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times= 11pm phone calls about nothing and his dad visiting the house everyday whilst I was on mat leave to talk about himself

Refusal to drop child at nursery= he has to go the gym in the morning apparently

OP posts:

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Childcare & nursery
ScreamingValenta · 20/05/2019 12:32

he refused to pay for a new bathroom or kitchen but will happily use them

If the old ones were still functioning, then replacing them is a matter of choice. You say he'll happily use them - but he doesn't have a choice there, unless he stops cooking or washing altogether.

11pm phone calls about nothing and his dad visiting the house everyday whilst I was on mat leave to talk about himself

This sounds unreasonable and annoying - not sure I would leave someone over it, though.

Refusal to drop child at nursery= he has to go the gym in the morning apparently

He should take his turn doing this. Again, not an automatic LTB from me, but it might be the final straw if lots of other things were wrong.

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 12:36

The old ones were barely functioning and I remember him being very enthusiastic about me buying new things funny that isn't it

OP posts:
Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 16:02

I'm also fed up of hearing how hard he works and how I do nothing when he does everything

OP posts:
MatthewBramble · 20/05/2019 17:25

If you need to ask the question then you've really already answered it. Whether these reasons are "sufficient" in other people's eyes doesn't matter.

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 17:52

I wanted to know others views like am I overreacting!!?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 20/05/2019 17:55

Not overreacting.

On to practicalities, whose house is it?

FiremanKing · 20/05/2019 18:09

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times

Why can’t you tell them?

Refusal to get a joint bank account
We have our own plus a joint one. That’s not really a big issue in my opinion.

Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house

If everything is in working order then I can see his point of view.

The dropping off of his child is something he could do if it’s not too much out of his way.

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 18:09

mine because he couldn't get a mortgage

OP posts:
Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 18:10

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times= they're not my parents and if I mention anything they'll phone everyone they know to slag me off and I can't be fucked with the drama

OP posts:
costacoffeecup · 20/05/2019 18:42

If it's your house it's fair enough that he won't pay for new bathroom or kitchen, essential work if there's a leak etc is slightly different.

Gym thing would be the killer for me!

Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 18:48

He isn't wanting to commit really is he?

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 19:03

We're married so I see it as our house

OP posts:
Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 19:08

He isn't invested in much except keeping his dm happy though!

AllFourOfThem · 20/05/2019 19:15

Refusal to get a joint bank account
Wouldn’t bother me at all. Why couldn’t he get a mortgage? If it’s because he has a bad credit rating I would actively do everything possible to avoid being financially linked to him.

Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house
Did you agree about payment and the need to have the work done in the first place?

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times
Clearly it annoys you and not him, so why haven’t you told them this? If it doesn’t bother him and he is the one who talks to them, then it sounds quite controlling of you although that could be because it is out of context.

Refusal to drop child at nursery.
How much of an inconvenience is this to you and why won’t he?

AllFourOfThem · 20/05/2019 19:17

So to answer your question, no I wouldn’t leave someone over those issues but you probably wouldn’t have issues with things that bother me. The point is if you are not happy in the marriage and feel those points are dealbreakers that he isn’t prepared to do anything about then I can understand you leaving.

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 19:41

Allfourofthem apparently his ex wife screwed him over and he's got bad credit. we do agree about what needs done and payment but when it comes to it and I ask he hasn't got the money. His parents calling does bother him but he obvs won't do or say anything. Me doing the drop off means I have to change work hours and do an hour and a half round trip. The nursery is 5 mins from his work

OP posts:
PickAChew · 20/05/2019 20:33

To be fair, DH and I don't have a joint account. We do still share finances/expenses fairly, though and don't keep what we have a secret from each other. I guess your H is earning, since he has the money for gym membership. He's being a proper arse about the nursery drop off. If you're considering whether it's worth staying in the relationship, is there any chance of changing nurseries?

I'd put phones on silent after 9pm, if your inlaws don't care when they call. If H wants to answer, he can answer and have the bloody inane conversation.

Original poster
CallyMollyMindy · 20/05/2019 21:48

I don't really want to change nurseries as it's attached to the school he'll go to and we get a good rate for the day

OP posts:
Hecateh · 20/05/2019 22:14

Refusal to get a joint bank account

Perfectly reasonable to have separate accounts but makes much more sense to have a joint account as well. With both contributing proportionate/equal amounts to cover living expenses

Refusal to pay for any work that needed doing in the house

need is subjective - if both agree it is needed then both should contribute

Refusal to tell his parents not to call unannounced at stupid times

stupid times subjective - don't answer calls after 9pm (answer machine/service so emergencies can be taken)

Refusal to drop child at nursery. Def unreasonable not to take responsibility for own child

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