Relationship falling apart

[ThedementedPenguin]

I started another thread but nobody replied so I am hoping if I post here I might get some replies.

Background: Been together 8years, have 2 dc (6 and 5). Was only together 7 months when I got pregnant, so didn't know each other very well. Got engaged 6 years ago but I no longer wear the ring (doesn't technically fit but never got it replaced).

So we've had our ups and downs. Broken up once a few years back (for basically the same issues) for a few weeks but decided to try again. I do love him very much but I feel like I am flogging a dead horse now.

So my main issues, he drinks way too much imo. Can't get through most days without needing a beer (usually at least 3/4) and then drinks way more on weekends. It is definitely a big issue for me and we have fought about this before. He doesn't see it as a problem, when I try to discuss this with him, it gets better for a while but then it goes back to the way it is.
Another issue, he's pretty useless around the house, does very little to help out with housework, rarely cooks, If I go away for the weekend he will cook/clean but this is a rare occurrence, as I hardly ever get away.
He does very little for or with the kids, never plays with them or takes them out. When we do family days out he always complains he is bored and wants to go home after an hour. I've asked him to take them out once a week to give me a breather at home but he hasn't ever done this.

This has all come to a head on Friday, just back from holiday and he was pretty useless the whole time, I had to constantly ask him to do things for the kids but majority of the time I did it myself as he never bothered. When we went back up to the room to get ready to go out, go to pool he would straight away lie down and I felt like I had to nag him to help me out.

I text him on Friday to tell him how I was feeling as I wasn't ready to talk to him then. I wanted him to know what was going on in my head and to give him a chance to think things over before we talk. From then we have barely said a word to each other, the house feels awkward and I am becoming more snappy at the kids.
I was hoping that he would come to me and want to talk but I don't know why I think this as its never happened before, I suppose I just wanted him to prove he wants me but its like another slap in the face.

I know I am unreasonable as this is who he is, he's shown me this multiple times and yet I still deep down hope he will cut down on the drinking, help out more. Maybe its time to face the truth that I have to change and end things.

I know in all of this I am no saint, I have my faults, I have mental health issues which have been awful at times, and he's stood by me. I'm not the tidiest person (hate housework).

I try to talk to him, tell him how I feel but he only ever replies with okay or doesn't say anything. I try to ask him how he feels about things but he never has an answer, he doesn't seem happy. He always looks grumpy around us, and doesn't ever be as happy with us as he is with his friends.

I really don't think any of this makes any sense, it doesn't in my head. Can anyone help me to work through this, as I am confused.

It seems to me is that you have made the effort all the time with the home and the children whilst he has just existed at being a lump.

Does that make sense? You are like the rest of us and don’t want to actually do lots of things but know it’s part and parcel of family life and they have to be done. He on the other hand is is completely ineffectual but isn’t remotely bothered by his inability to step up and do things.

This could be for many reasons, often it’s because they come from a family where their own mother did everything or simply because they are lazy.

He won’t change his ways now so you have to accept him as being a big lump who does nothing or carry on without him.

FiremanKing

Makes total sense, i know they didn’t have to do much at home before he moved out. So that probably doesn’t help but he did live alone for a year abroad so he does have a clue.

I can’t accept it as it is anymore. I am fed up of having the same ‘talks’ and it going nowhere. Yet I am unable to walk away yet. I don’t want to feel like this anymore

He does do things, he is an excellent cook, he can clean a house way better than I can. He just doesn’t do it often.
When I try to bring it up he acts all huffy, refuses to talk to me, and then I feel awful because I feel like I’m nagging.

He also rarely listens when I ask him to do something. Even something as when going to the bar he would forget my drink or get me something I didn’t ask for.

I know deep down what I need to do but where do I find the strength to do it??

My children’s father was like this. He was manipulative in that he would have a half hearted attempt at doing something, for example he put one nappy on our son but did it so loosely that it fell off. He made no attempt to rectify it so of course I then put the nappy on ‘properly’.

That resulted in him never having to put a nappy on again as he had ‘ proven he was incapable and so I might as well always do it.’ Just a trick to get out of doing things. This also serves to make you look like a control freak to everyone else which plays right into their hands of them appearing as the good guy.

Then there is the saying they will do something but somehow never get around to do and it gets put off and put off. Of course that makes it difficult to remonstrate with them as they have already said they would do it so that then makes it look like you are nagging!

And of course they are not incompetent because as you say if they lived on their own they could actually do these things.

Sometimes they even offer to help everyone else so that everyone thinks they are marvellous. You know the situation, your own bathroom could do with a revamp and he will never get around to doing it but they are out and about putting tiles up in your friend/relative’s house.