Friend's behaviour so hurtful

[LeavesareGreenish]

Recently my DH who is very fit and we thought healthy was diagnosed with cancer. We were devastated of course. I told a close friend who I've know for 15 years. It was by messaging as this is how she seems to like to be in touch rather than phoning. I got almost nothing back from her. She underplayed it. (DH's cancer has a good-ish survival rate but not 100%.)

I am actually shaking a bit just by writing this.

Friend has not phoned, not called in (she lives very near) and offered no emotional support or sympathy at all. I am so upset.

She's downplayed the whole thing (again by messaging) and only after his major op seemed to have some inkling of what I'm going through.

I don't think she's stuck for the right words, or whatever, in which case she could even say that.

I simply don't know what to think or how to behave with her in future as I'm so sad and disappointed.

I am so sorry that you have been let down. This is exactly what happened with my DM & DF when he was diagnosed. I think some people are scared & don’t know what to say so say nothing, some are scared & downplay to minimise their feelings of fear & some are just total arseholes. Big unmumsnetty hugs - I hope you have some good friends round you.

Thanks @Enterthewolves. I do have friends but most are not so close by and neither are family.
I just cannot get my head round the complete lack of emotional support and empathy. I can only assume she has no imagination of how it feels for us. She's asked nothing.Just weird.

Hi leaves I am sorry about the response from your friend. I do think that some people are scared of what to say and find it easier to say nothing. Or it raises issues / fears in themselves so they are not able face effectively.

I was originally diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and lost one of our closest friends for exactly the same reason. They downplayed my diagnosis, acted like everything was normal (Inviting us round for boozy nights out while I was on Chemo, visiting us days after a major operation and letting their kids run riot etc). We distanced ourselves from them and to be honest, the friendship has completely ended. It is tough and many people directly impacted by cancer would agree that it really shows friends true colors.

I would say though, that the opposite also happens - some friends who we barely knew have stepped up completely and been amazing support. Our family are also all abroad, so I completely understand how isolating it can be. We have tapped into a few cancer support charities, which have really helped us to meet people who just 'get it'. Feel free to PM me if you want some info there.

Thank you @auniverseofbeaches. I am sorry to hear about your cancer and the attitude of your friends.

I am truly shocked at how my friend has behaved. Either we are not the good friends I imagined or she simply doesn't care.

But in her eyes I suspect she thinks she's done no wrong. She asked once after DH, tagged onto a message about something else. At that point she didn't know (and hadn't asked) anything about what was going on, or how we were coping.

Some of our neighbours who I don't consider friends, brought round cards and even called on us to ask how he was, giving us their numbers and said we could ask them to do anything, any time.

I've been going through cancer diagnosis and op and it has left me disappointed in a lot of people I classed as friends. Even if
People don't know what to say, a text saying 'thinking of you' would be nice.
I wish you all the best op. Focus on the people who have shown you support

I'm so sorry, LeavesareGreenish. How is your husband doing now?

Regarding your friend, it's a fact that some people honestly cannot find the words and end up saying nothing. They end up distancing themselves from the situation. I have experience of that.

I am very glad that other people have readily stepped up and hope your husband is making good progress.

Sorry to have said, "end up" twice.

I'm so sorry OP, I'm afraid that she is simply being self involved.

Frankly I have very little time for people who claim "I didn't know what to say " if you're a grown adult you should have figured out socially appropriate responses. At the very least ,I'm sorry and thinking of you.

I've known people who claim it's because they struggle with dealing with other people's illness and they worry so they minimise it ...to be honest that's a horrible kind of selfishness where they put their feeling a first. It's not ok at all.

I'm so sorry OP and I fervently hope the treatment goes well and you get support during the worst times.

She's a twat. Even if she can't think of the right words, she could at least offer her support, let you do the talking and lend a sympathetic ear.

It's at times like this when you know who your real friends are. She isn't one.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time and I hope your husband makes a speedy recovery.