AIBU to worry? Ex-friend is ghosting me and I have never known why

[NooNooHead1981]

We have mutual friends and our daughters are in the same class and used to be best friends.

I was friends with her about 18 months ago, and then I had an ectopic pregnancy. All was fine then she discovered she was pregnant, but she found it very hard to tell me - I think she genuinely wanted me not to be upset, but I will never know for sure as I was never told the reasons why she didn’t directly say she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I tried to be a good friend and sent her a card and gift to say how sorry I was. This went unacknowledged. From then on, she seemed to become more distant.

I then found out I was pregnant again and had my DS a year ago. I could completely understand why she would have found it hard to be able to see me or speak to me, but she took it to the extreme. One minute she was talking to me a few months before, then a couple of months after her miscarriage, she was crossing the road in the street, blanking me on the school run and then telling my mutual friend that I had to ‘get the hell away’ from her.

She is now 4 months pregnant and I have said congratulations to her recently as I passed her in the school playground a few days ago. She blanked me completely- even after i called her name and said to her DD she must be excited. Her DD actually almost stopped to say something but of course she had to walk off as my ex-friend was walking away.

I know people will say let sleeping dogs lie, and don’t waste time worrying about it, and that clearly I should be sensitive to her etc. I have spoken to mutual friends who have asked her why she has ghosted me, but no one can determine what it is to do with. I would have liked her to have been friends so our DDs could have stayed friends at least - I do feel it is unfair that my DD has lost a best friend because of it. It would also have been good to have someone to share being a mum to a baby again - I have lots of friends with DC my DD's age.

I guess it is really too late for us to become friends again, as too much time has passed. It would be nice to be civil though, as I am going to have to see her on the school run for a few years and seeing her looking blankly and giving me cold stares isn’t something I look forward to.

AIBU to worry about this?

Something has happened.

Something was said or not said, or taken the wrong way.

Something happened and you just have no idea what it is. Unfortunately she does and it doesn't sound like she will be telling you any time soon, nor be getting over the issue any time soon.

Just move on.

I guess you are right. If I was being totally honest, I would say that her behaviour is incredibly rude, immature and blanking someone without telling them is out of order, but as you say, she won’t be telling me any time soon.

I wouldn't waste anymore of your energy on her op. If it were me, even if she decided she suddenly wanted to be friends again I don't think I could after her shitty behaviour. Friends don't treat friends like that

It’s possible she found it incredibly painful when you had your DS and she was struggling to get pregnant or just plainly grieving after the miscarriage. Now she is pregnant and all is ok but she probably finds the fact she shut you out before really awkward and doesn’t know how to face it so is avoiding it.

That’s possibly a reach, maybe something you said upset her and you don’t even realise you said it? Honestly, it’s a minefield. Just let it go.

'even after i called her name and said to her DD she must be excited. Her DD actually almost stopped to say something but of course she had to walk off as my ex-friend was walking away'

This would freak me out. I would forget about her. Your DD has other friends, you have other friends.
Move on.

Thank you for all your kind replies. It does make me anxious but I try not to let it get to me - it is just that she comes across as so rude. I know she’d have been grieving and finding seeing me pregnant hard, but there was no need to treat me so badly. True friends don’t do that.

This my be totally off the mark but could she have found the card and gift-giving when she miscarried a bit passive-aggressive? Maybe she didn't do the same for you when you sadly had an eptopic pregnancy so maybe she has misconstrued it all during her grief? Just a thought. It could be a possibility. People can be strange!

I think you unwittingly said something that triggered this.
I think she mixed up her pain with what you said and you became the focus of her anger ( unfairly )

I think she can't tell you or any of your friends what 'it' is because deep down she knows it's silly, this will be pointed out to her if she tells...She can't get past it right now and doesn't want to lose face with your group or friends...?

Maybe she'll never get over this but you prodding and forcing is just reminding her of the whole situation and she's digging her heels in even more.

Let her go. Completely. She may come back and explain at some point but that won't happen by force.

My best, closer than sisters, friend ghosted me. Mutual friends were unable to tell me why. They said they had no idea. I'm sorry to say this OP but your mutual friends certainly must know what's going on.

and then telling my mutual friend that I had to ‘get the hell away’ from her.
There is no way in hell that anyone would not immediately ask what the fuck was going on. And if I had one friend being an absolute bitch to another with no good reason then I would no longer be a mutual friend.

The same thing also happened to my husband. No matter who he asked, no one could tell him why their friend would walk out of a room when he came in. It turned out, finding out many years down the line, that the friend had heard DH had grassed him up for something. DH was easily able to prove his innocence and clear up the confusion within minutes but the so called mutual friends never gave him the chance.

OP, whilst I know you want to confront for closure, I agree with others that it's probably best to fuck her off instead and ignore (though I don't know if I could personally). Find a whole new group of friends. It's difficult but can be done.

Thank you ChesterDraws. That is really bad about your DH. I’m sure that our mutual friends know why, yet they are just not saying. I’m a bit pissed off that my neighbour and friend - who became friends with her a bit after she ghosted me - is still having play dates with her DD and ex-friend’s DD. I know it is incredibly silly to get worked up about but it irritates me that she is friends with her and condones how my ex-friend has been towards me. As you say, any mutual friend of mine had herb treated like that by another friend would be someone I didn’t want much to do with any more.

People are strange, but as you say there are plenty of others to be pals with.

been treated not ‘herb’!