How can I help my daughter love her appearance?

[Rory786]

This makes me so sad, she is only 7 and the sweetest girl ever. The teachers are always telling me what a pleasure she is.

She is the only one in her school with jet black hair and olive skin. (Only Non white in a tiny village school)

The popular girls all have long blonde hair and its become "a thing". Personally I prefer dd to have a little bob (easier to comb, looks neat and healthy) but I have to respect her wishes- so she is growing her hair.

Cant do anything about the hair colour though. How can I make her see she has gorgeous smooth honey coloured skin that never burns or goes red. Her hair is so thick and glossy and she has huge dark brown eyes?

What would you say?

She sounds gorgeous.

Can you show her pictures of models who look more like her, or famous strong women who look like her, or a movie with a strong female lead that looks like her?
She sounds absolutely gorgeous and I bet she'll love her looks later on, but just now she needs to see strong powerful women she resembles and to know how lucky she is to resemble them.

This is one of the times where social media helps. Maybe download some photos of Indian / mixed race actresses to show her how beautiful girls and women like her can look. You can get some really sweet Bollywood princess stories on Netflix dubbed in English and aimed at kids her age — Khoobsurat is a really good one with a brown skinned actress.

Maybe also introduce a temporary ban on kids shows / films with white leads in favour of entertainment where the central character(s) looks like her - I did this with my neice when she lived with us as she also went through a phase of thinking blondes were somehow ‘prettier’. All cartoons / films / shows were vetted for a month and eventually she snapped out of it.

Google Jameela Jamil for her

Your poor little girl. I would completely de-emphasise appearance and tell her that people put far too much importance on it, and that the children who she thinks don't look like her are just like her on the inside. And, could you encourage friendships out of school with children who look unlike the blonde girls at school, to help her see that people come in all sorts of 'packages' (I'm sure there's a better way to express that but I blame sleep deprivation!).

Awe bet she’s beautiful

This is making me well up- thank you so much everyone. I'm not one for appearances, but I want to be sensitive to her feelings. I do always point out its more important how you are as a person rather than how you look...

Thanks again everyone.

My DPs raised me to know that difference is a positive and desirable thing - it makes you stand out, it means you are an individual, and it is to be proud of.

Agree that introducing her to beautiful successful clever women who look like her is a great idea.

I read a lovely post about a girl who was thrilled to see Princess Tiana had skin that was just like hers. Is 7 too old for princess elena who kicks ass and wears beautiful princess dress and has olive skin and black hair? Or any other tv shows with a star who matches that description. Not to make a big deal of it but just as she’s seeing someone like herself who is viewed as popular/amazing/beautiful

I told mine ( blond blueeyed and beautiful- so I’m told) that although she is beautiful and kind, the inside needs to be more beautiful than the outside.
Everyone is different and that is the thing that makes them beautiful.
Plus I bet everyone loves her glossy hair and permatan!

From a very early age, I made my daughter aware of those models I really thought were beautiful - the really kooky ones that in reality do not conform to many others idea of conventional beauty - think Karen Elson, Lily Cole etc. It may not be correct but my daughter I think is happy in her own skin.

I agree with rodentattack. The last thing I would do is replace one sort of unattainable beauty ‘ideal’ - blonde, beautiful, with another - darker skinned Disney princesses and models.

I would remove emphasis on what she looks like and replace it with praise for what she can physically do and how strong her body is getting - eg bike riding, swimming, gymnastics. And I would do more of it.

I would watch less tv with ‘pretty’ lead characters and definitely no social media.

I never comment on what another woman/girl looks like physically ‘oh you look so pretty, look at your shiny hair’ etc etc. I attach zero importance on what someone looks like and emphasise what sort of person they are.

I would have play dates with nice kids in the class, irrespective of what they look like.

I would make weekends as much fun as possible and keep up with her friends who aren’t in that class.

Lots of examples of successful women with her colouring, mixed with less focus on looks and more on achievement. It's shocking how young this crap starts. A friend of mine had this when her girls were little, they are a fantastic mix of Irish, indian and Jamaican. She had to really search to find dolls and toys that in anyway were representative of their colour.

Tell your DD from MN she sounds beautiful. I'd love to have honey coloured skin, thick glossy dark hair and big brown eyes. Lucky girl.

She might be a bit young for them yet but books like 'stories for kids who dare to be different' really helped my son when he felt 'different ' to his peers.

I have to say op even when I was at school blonde was what everyone wanted a d what made you popular. I'm struggling at the moment wih my middle dd. She's only 4 and a half but hates her hair colour (she's mixed race) and wants to be blonde "just like rapunzel".all I can do is tell her how much I love her hair because it's part of me and her dad, but it's hard to get her to understand when all she wants is to be blonde :(

I really feel for your daughter, OP 💔 I'm half Indian with similar colouring to her and have always believed on some level that I'm less beautiful than white, blonde girls. Men and women sometimes stop me on the street to compliment me but, while that's very kind of them, in the face of the constant barrage of beautiful Caucasian models, actresses, newsreaders etc, it has minimal effect. I don't think I'm ugly, just that I'm less beautiful than I would be if I was white and blonde.
I think concentrating on movies with darker-skinned leads may help a little - the Jungle Book and Aladdin were the only ones available my favourites at her age. Does she have any dolls that look like her? What made a difference for me was (as some pp have suggested) focussing on what my body could do, rather than what it looked like, and treating it like something precious and worthy of good treatment. So (I only started this as an adult and I'm not sure what the 7 yr old equivalent would be) using a nice moisturiser, doing hair masks, painting my nails, taking a multivitamin etc). I still have an imperfect relationship with my body but now in my 30s I can finally think of it as a faithful and treasured friend who I love and am proud of, even though it doesn't look how I might have wanted it to. That doesn't seem so important anymore.
Is she moving to a bigger school soon or does her primary go all the way up to year 7? I was encouraged also when I started middle school at age 8 and encountered other non-white girls, and realised they were pretty/ funny/ smart/ kind etc and had as much value as the white girls - and by extension, perhaps I did too.
Sorry for the long post and references to my own experience. I really hope your daughter can make peace with this. It's not easy.

Thank you everyone for your input and kindness.
Cutandpaste I think you have hit the nail on thd head. She is one of 3 girls in her class and 3 is not a great number. I will definitely encourage her to have playdates with kids from beavers and her various other clubs.

Burnedtoast thank you for your kind words

FogCutter will have a think...she likes Pippi Longstocking!

YouJustDoYou great name btw! Tangled has a lot to answer for. Long blonde hair is desirable and short brown hair is ugly

BibbleBobbleBabble thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience. Im so glad that your experience ended up positive. Its a tough one isnt it and heartbreaking. I hope she can grow to see beauty comes in all forms and that hos you are as a human being counts the most.

Perhaps show her photos of the royals - Meghan and Kate are both dark haired and beautiful ‘princesses’

Emphasise that she’s clever and kind

Some Studio Ghibli films such as My Neighbour Totoro and Arrietty feature non-blonde girls and their personalities are also part of their appeal. Both of these films give a happy outlook on life.

Your daughter sounds gorgeous

My dd is like this - she has long dark thick curly hair which tangled like anything.

She’s stopped saying it so much but does like her hair. I empathise with her feelings and ask her what she does like. We also try and watch more relatable films eg moana/brave. I steer her away from anything too “Disney”.

I also talk about her attributes in a positive way - I call her curls “powerful” (ie that they’re so strong it takes time to de tangle them etc which she likes).

It’s hard because the blonde/blue eyed image is so prevalent!!!

doesnt like her hair

She actually sounds stunning!

Amal Clooney, Priyanka Chopra, Jameela Jamil, Deepika Padukone, Sonam Kapoor, all accomplished incredible women.

I mean look at Kim Kardashian, women all over are trying to change to look like her that it's a trend and she has dark hair and olive skin.

Also, Meghan Markle, dark hair medium skin tone and she married Prince Harry!

Teach your daughter she is beautiful and mention other accomplished people that look like her in front of her. Amal Clooney, Priyanka Chopra and Jameela Jamil speak a lot of women's rights as well as Meghan Markle, let her relate to these accomplished beautiful women.

Teach her also that a beautiful soul is what matters most in life, teach her the value of being a good person, a good person has a bright personality that will attract others. Teach her that our looks aren't our accomplishments, what we do with our lives and what we do for others is what matters.

What sort of things is she in to OP?

Give her a big hug from me, another olive skin with dark hair here!