Are you an only child?

[HelpAFattieOutHere]

How is it as an adult?

I'm pretty sure were in the "one and done" camp for various reasons.

I'm not worried about childhood for DS, he has a lot of similarly aged cousins and we're a very close family so he sees them often. We're fine with the fact that when he's older he'd probably benefit from a cousin or friend joining us on holidays etc.

What concerns me is when he's older and he's an only child. What happens when we die and he's left alone? What happens when we're elderly and he feels solely responsible for doddery old parents?

I have siblings but I don't have much of a relationship with them (mainly due to circumstances growing up, we all got as far away from home as possible which meant going in very different directions).

Talk to me about being an adult only child....

I am not but my BF is and talks about it a lot. She says she struggles with things sometimes because she is always used to having the “best”. If a dinner at her MiLs is served up, she fees resentment if someone else got a better plate than she did because as a child, she’d always get the best portion. She often can’t wait for things either, it has to be now. She was lazy, but has really looked inside herself and tried to change it. She attributes it all to being an only but I wonder if that is just projection. I don’t think it is being an only that has made her that way tbh. She always wanted siblings and still says that. My other friend who is an only absolutely loves it. She is also doted on but enjoys every minute. She did not want siblings at all and still enjoys having all the GP child care options to herself and getting all the fuss on birthdays, holiday treats.

As with everything, it depends on the child

It's great I love it. I've never really wished for a sibling and the older the more grateful I am that I don't have any.

Some people love it. Others hate it, and the same applies to people with siblings. You have no guarantees that they'll get along. They could be best friends, their worst enemy or anything in between.I think it's foolish to base your happiness or your child's happiness on one person anyway. So do what's right for you.

As for caring for parents in my experience it tends to fall on one child anyway, not always but often, and even if there is someone else to help and the siblings have completely different ideas about how to do it it can cause a lot of trouble, and I've seen several sibling groups turn on each other after a death when they should be supporting each other. You ready can't guarantee anything.

My parents aren't elderly but I've had to care for two family members in the past(one a parent) and I'd have been much more resentful if I had a sibling who could have helped but didn't, an all too common situation.

I was an only, no cousins either. Have been nc with dps for twenty years as neither managed to hide their displeasure at parenthood. Consequently I have many many dc. Never want them to feel alone or unwanted. Dh exactly the same scenario.
If I had had the childhood you describe your ds has things would be very different I feel. As an adult he will have his own life - a well balanced happy one in imagine - sounds like he is well appreciated!

I am, no cousins around my age or anything etc either.

It's not something I'm traumatised about or have issues about or anything, I've never known anything different so I don't think much into most of the time, but there is always a bit of me that does wish I'd have had siblings. If I had a choice, I'd rather have 1+ siblings than be an only child by a mile!!
As an adult, it just makes me excited to have multiple children and experience a bigger family/more chaotic home than I grew up with.

Honestly? Lonely.

I've nursed my Dad when he was terminally ill with cancer. Nobody else there to help other than Mum. It was difficult and emotionally draining with nobody to share that load with. Yes I had DH but it was not 'his parent'.

Then Mum died suddenly. I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. There was nobody else. Nobody I could sit and talk with and say "hey, do you remember that holiday when we....". Everything, every memory was soley mine.

To some extent I still feel incredibly lonely some days. There is no family, a distant cousin I see occasionally, but what I wouldn't have given for a sibling to share this load with and to be at the end of a phone.

It’s really difficult. I feel like every decision I make I either have to tailor to suit my father (mother is dead) or feel completely shit and never get over the guilt. I also really worry about what will happen when his health starts to fail. Baring the cost of a career alone is really hard. So is doing all the caring oneself. But a sibling won’t nevessarily alleviate those problems. My father had a brother who is just rubbish. My father has ended up with 100% of thecresponsibility of caring for my grandfather plus the emotional toll of seeing his brother constant unosetting, wording and disappointing their father. I think the best thing you can do to avoid burdening your children is to save enough to care for yourself in your old age. If not then having more children is the next best thing but not always fail proof.

I am an only child.

As a child I always wanted a sibling. My parents worked long hours and I spent a lot of time on my own. Holidays and Christmas were quiet, as I was the only child there, and it would have been more fun with someone of my own generation. I had one cousin, and we got on really well, but they lived abroad so we didn’t see each other very often.

As an adult I think I am closer to my parents than my friends are with theirs. They are in their late seventies, and although good for their age, they do have some health problems. At the moment they cope well, but as they get older, I will be responsible for them. This will be difficult as I work full time, but I’ll work it out somehow. I don’t mind this at all. They have done a lot for me and I love them. I have always felt that as I am all they have, I would never move far away.

I think what I find hard now, is that my children are growing up, and my parents are my only family. I would love to have cousins, nieces and nephews.

I have two children, as I didn’t want my child to be an only one. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it was how I felt.

Interesting insights EvilMorty thank you. The first friend you talk about sounds like it's a case of upbringing/parenting rather than simply due to being an only child.

Reservations about a second include the need for a bigger house (we're not and won't ever be high earners so this would come at a significant financial sacrifice). We could give one so much more (time, effort, money etc.) Both me and my husband when growing up had very limited opportunities both because of low parental income and also a lack of parental time (we're both 1 of 3) and we naturally want more for our son than we had. We both missed out on major opportunities (sporting for my husband and educational for me) because of a lack of time and money when growing up.
There's also significant risk health wise for me in having another pregnancy. I got through the previous one with only minor lasting effects, which is obviously a big factor but my consultant said they wouldn't rule out the possibility of a second pregnancy.

Yes.
The thing about thinking you only deserve the best is nuts, definitely not an only child thing- just her! I think being lazy may just be her as well.
I’ve never minded being an only, I quite like it. I’m very close to my parents and live in the same village. As they age I can see us doing a lot for them. At the moment they do a lot for us- childcare.
However DH has a sister who lives in London and appears a couple of times a year. We live close to DMIL and I can see us doing most of anything she needs too. So care in old age isn’t an only child thing.
Not sure what it’ll be like when they die- I can’t imagine losing a parent is easy no matter how many siblings you have.
It does shape your personality in the same way that being the eldest/ youngest/ middle child does.
Onlies are often quite high achievers like eldest children.
The main thing for me it that I really struggle with conflict and confrontation. With siblings you learn to fall out and make friends again, over and over again quite easily.
I have an only child, DS7 and I’m not worried about how it will affect him.

RattyTat thank you for your thoughts :)

Summerorjustmaybe I am NC with my mum for similar reasons. My dad is dead but was either absent or totally useless when he was around. Having had my own child I realise now that my mum must have some serious psychological issues going on, I cannot understand how someone cannot love their own child/ren (all 3 of us were pretty easy kids to be fair!). Fortunately my husband's family are amazing. Sure, they're unconventional, but they all have a great bond and all are very close. The cousins on that side are all similar in age too, as well as local.

loie I guess what you don't have will always be an attractive prospect?

MadSweeney & BogglesGoggles We would never intentionally become a burden to our son, but you never know what may happen in the future in terms of illness and circumstances I guess. We would obviously make provisions for our old age as much as possible.

Caribbeanescape there's enough family that Christmas, birthdays etc. are anything but quiet!! I think it could be quite a nice balance for him actually.

Only child here. My parents are getting older and I do feel some weight of the responsibility of potential big desicions I may have to make alone. Having said that, lots of my friends have dreadful relationships with their siblings. I always say that I can't miss what I've never had.

ValleyoftheHorses interesting about conflict! His cousins are similarly aged (there's 4 of them, all boys, born within 12 months of each other!) and I look after 1 of them whilst his parents are at work. My son will also be in nursery part time when I go back to work which I hope will help the social development side of things as well.

Yup, I'm an only. I always say that I don't know what it's like to have a sibling, so for it's just the way it is.

I thought I'd miss a sibling when it'd come to caring for a parent. I very recently lost my mum, who I was very close to. My dad and I looked after her and she went to a hospice a few weeks before she died. I never felt the need for a sibling, but we did have support from good friends and family.

My child is an only child too. The plan was two kids, but problems with my first pregnancy made me rethink. He is 4 and although the last few months I did think it'd be nice for him to have a sibling, for me that's not enough reason for a 2nd child. We try to give him a balanced childhood, we're encouraging friendships. He'll be alright.

I am an only child and have no children. My Dad died a couple of years ago and suffered from dementia/confusion and it would have been good to have someone to help with finding a home which would actually accept him. My Mum is in her late 80s and doing ok but I worry about her and her future. I live just about as far away as I could from her and despite making regular visits back to the UK I feel guilty about not being in the same country.

I also occasionally worry about my own future as I saw how you need an advocate to speak for you if you end up in care.

But, I have had the most fantastic life and really would not change a thing. I cannot imagine having siblings, and really if I did have there is no guarantee that we would get on or be close. I hear/read so many stories of families not being in contact with each so do not think I have missed out in any way.

Would like to add, we got a ddog when I was 18 months. A furry sibling was a great consolation. Sharing childhood until we were both nearly 21!!
Maybe you could consider a pooch??

I agree with Summer - I was brought up with a dog and have had dogs all my life, as my user name may show!

As an adult, I sometimes wish that my dcs could have some cousins and a bigger extended family.

My parents are still here, older but nowhere near in need of help. I dint feel a particular weight about helping them as they get older. Maybe because it has always been obvious to me that I wouod be there for them the sa d way they are always been there for me. As other posters, I don’t think I will feel the need for a sibling then. (And then I’ve also seeing what happened with my mum who had 4 siblings and none of them helped looking after my grand ma. Having siblings didn’t change anything for her).

I am very aware that when my parents die, I will be in my own. In part because my marriage isn’t th best so I can’t rely on that as a support. In part because my parents are still a big part of my support system (lots of reasons for that incl having moved to a different country).
So yes having a sibling there wouod be great. I’m aware that I assuming we wouod be getting on well together....

I have to say, it’s the the fact that my family size is so small that made me want more than one child myself. But I am also a family person and love being able to be part of one....

Honestly, my father is brilliant and has had no intention at all in becoming a burden but I love him so of course he is a burden. I want to make sure he has enough support both emotinally and financially (and not yet but eventually practically). I try my best. We live far away from him so I call every day and visit 1-2months per year but he is still lonely and it would have been easier if I had stayed near to him (but it wasn’t possible) or if I had a sibling who had. Financially it’s been difficult. I’m not a high earner and not was he in his time so I can’t at least help him by removing all of his financial stresses and providing him with money he could use to come see us/socialise etc. My earnings will jump in about ten years or so but by then he will be quite old. Ultimately I think I will have to move my family to be near to him.

I'm an only child - not from my parents' choice but for medical reasons.
My parents have both passed away, so I'm technically an orphan as well. Other than my dc and a distant cousin the other side of the world I have no living relatives at all.

I'm used to it now, but it has been a struggle at times, particularly after my parents died when I was a young adult, and I found myself literally alone in the world.

But having seen in recent years the issues between various relations and siblings in DH's extended family, I've come to the conlusion that a large family causes its own problems.

To be totally honest, although it is nice to spend time with other people, I like solitude and sometimes I just have to leave gatherings so I can be on my own and regroup, as it were.

DS is likely to be an only, I have a brother. Both my parents ended up with the responsibility of caring for sick parents despite both being one of three (one sibling has advanced dementia, one sibling dead, one sibling has cancer and one is a useless fool) so siblings don't guarantee much.

DH is one of six and is NC with two siblings, hasn't seen one in 6 years and the other two live abroad so I'm pretty certain care of DMIL will fall to us.

DS currently has 4 cousins who are 15m older, 1 Yr younger, 15m younger and 2.2 yrs younger so I don't feel he misses out on a family of people his age. I'm very close to some of my cousins, far more so than DH is to most of his siblings!

I'm an only child. I did find it a bit lonely growing up, around the 7-10 age. Especially on holidays, it was the worst. My parents, as lovely as they are, we're fairly quiet people so I never experienced a 'fun' house hold my friends with siblings had. My house seemed to sleepy and boring compared to friends.

Now I'm older, I have moved away from my hometown and worry constantly "what if..." something happens to them. Yes, you run the risk with siblings not being present later in life / not getting along when younger but I do wish I had someone to share the later years with. Selfishly I'm worried what we would do, would we need to uproot our lives and move back / move them here.

But you have to assess your situation, you say financially you would struggle and you have health issues. I think in your situation, an only child would be the sensible option. I wouldn't want all of the above at the detriment of my parents physical / mental health and to struggle every day.

foxyfemke sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you're in a similar position re: another child. The more I think about it, the more I think not risking another pregnancy is the sensible thing to do.

FiveShelties thank you for your two sided balanced view!

Summerorjustmaybe I'm actually enjoying being dog-free currently! We recently lost my childhood dog (he came with me when I left home) at almost 20 years old and as much as I loved him and it broke my heart when he died, I'm quite enjoying not being quite so tied down! There will definitely be another dog on the cards in the future.

EggAndButter thank you. I guess one good thing is that my son will be part of a big family even if there aren't any siblings. There's not much on my side for one reason or another but my husband's side are a big close knit bunch and I have a number of very good friends that form the basis of my "family"

Prudho I hope all is ok

BogglesGoggles you've made me realise that I'm effectively in a similar "only child with elderly parent" scenario, although in my case it's an elderly uncle. He never married or had children, his parents and brother (my dad) are all dead, it's literally just me and him on that side. I'm listed as next of kin, have power of attorney over medical and financial dealings etc. and he does have physical health issues which regularly see him in hospital (on average about 4 weeks at a time two or 3 times a year). I know in the future I'll have to make decisions regarding his health and care and stuff but actually I'm ok with that.

horizontalis I'd say I'm similar regarding liking my own space and company! Whilst my mum is still alive, our relationship has been difficult (and now NC, my decision), I pretty much had to fend for myself from the day I left for uni. I had no emotional, practical or financial support from her at all but my determination and resilience got me through. I guess those are good qualities to instill in my son for the future!

RavenLG we can provide chaos! Interestingly holidays are one thing I've considered quite a bit. I never had holidays as a kid, but I can't imagine traipsing around with just your parents as a kid is much fun. We'd be quite willing to take a cousin/friend with us once he's old enough to want peer company. We also all go on a big family camping trip each year (with all cousins he's up to 7 now!) and birthdays are generally a big family day out somewhere.

DreamingofSunshine I'm in a similar boat with my siblings but my husband and his family are so close, I guess it's opened my eyes to what our son could be missing out on

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment, it's been very useful!

I often went on holiday with my cousins and my parents, but I enjoyed the holidays spent with just my parents too. I was quite content with their company though they did put me in a kids' club for an hour or two occasionally, but then I've always enjoyed my own company or being with them.

I'm an only. DD is too. Both my parents are dead.

I was never lonely growing up. I lived in a village and had loads of friends and other family close by.

Getting older has been harder. The most difficult but was losing my mother to cancer (my dad died years ago) and having no support or practical help to deal with the aftermath. I have no close family now as my only close cousin has cut off contact.

As an only, I always felt that I wasn't good enough, and that I owed it to my parents to be "better". There's no one to share blame with, and I grew up with a highly developed sense of responsibility which has never left me.

Having said that, being an only means you're free to develop your opinions and ideas; you don't have to fit in with siblings or share.

You can't offload either and I've always internalised a lot of stuff and tend to live in my head a bit too much. I'm very independent, opinionated and tough-minded.

DD is also very self - contained but more sociable.