Anyone else felt this way - empty nest syndrome?

[PutYourShirtOnMartin]

...and does it exist or am I just miserable?

I am in my 50s and last summer my youngest child left home..she is 27. I am semi retired and DH and I have lots of hobbies (motorbikes, allotment, caravan, gigs etc) so we are both busy if not working.

I have done 'mumming' (child at home) for 35 years and now I am lost. Even though DD was independent I still did 'stuff' for her...and now it's stopped. And with that my mojo has just gone.

Last night I cried...real nasty crying. Because I want a little dog. We are experienced dog owners but had cats in the last 20 years or so due to work commitments. The house is so bloody empty..
DH won't let me have a dog.
I am allergic to dogs and cats and when the cats were still alive my asthma was horrific, I had pneumonia nearly every year. Since they passed my asthma has improved with no hospital admissions for a couple of years.
I know he is right...I know he says no because he doesn't want me to be ill (actually he said he didn't want me to die..he is a drama queen)

I am menopausal- on HRT so I wonder if that's not helping. And we are going to be grandparents in the summer for the first time.

Christ putting it all down looks like I have a few things going on...could I just be mourning for the loss of my position as mum? Is the dog thing just wanting to be mum again?

No need to respond but if you have read my rambles thank you

I feel like this and mine haven't left yet

One has gone and the rest (3 very close in age) are racing through their teens and are mostly great company and fun our house will be so empty without them!

Plus the cars and dogs will probably die around the same time they are likely to have moved out...

I keep saying to DH we need to start doing stuff together that is sociable in readiness!

It's a huge life change, I sobbed when I was sterilised as that was the end of an era too, youngest at school and 100% no more pre-schoolers so my role as SAH full time Mum and housekeeper ended.

Random I was bereft when I started HRT as I felt it was the end of my fertility....even though I was sterilized 25 years ago!

I thought DH and I would be dancing about in glee but even he is a bit lost. The kids are mine from previous marriages - we don't have kids of our own but he is a brilliant step dad and much loved. It's been difficult getting to know each other without kids around...

I feel I’ve come full circle. Divorce and children leaving home at same time as well as reverting back to the job I was doing when I met exh - and all in the last two years. I’m catapulting toward 60 and oscillate between ‘what the fuck was that about?’ When I think about the last 28 years and being in the mindset of being a teenager all over again, except this time I’ve kinda got my shit together - well sort off

Oh Christ I can’t wait for the day I’m in your position! If I could press a button this morning and swap places with you I would! I often think back to my prekids house and think lovingly about padding round in my lovely tidy quiet house with no responsibilities.

Obviously your still their mum. They still need you and will flock to you on special occasions and when they run out of money. Or just need to see you because they are fed up and need to be around you.

My eldest 24 lives on her own and still needs me.

As mothers we give so much of our identity to our kids we absolutely lose ourselves. Your through that now and can start to look forward to being able to focus on you.

Don’t get the dog. It’s another string to tie you to the house with and it will make you sick!

You’ve got a couple of years to enjoy the peace before grandkids start turning up! Enjoy it while you can

I think you both should map out places you want to visit and start planning having quality time together. Might kick start your romance!

This is my end goal with Dh! We are just clinging on till the kids leave and we can get back to enjoying ourselves again

There are dogs that don’t cause allergies aren’t there? I think? Cavapoos and labradoodles and things

Flee there are but apparently I am allergic to everything doggie ...saliva etc. it's heartbreaking as I LOVE dogs. 🥺

Thanks everyone for your kind words...nice to know this is real. And yes 25 years ago I would've traded places with my today -self in a heartbeat. I think I have forgotten how to be me...I was last me in the mid 1980s...and I was a snarling punk in those days!!!!

We are off to Scotland soon for a couple of weeks with the caravan - it's been nice looking at ideas for sightseeing together.

I need to kick myself up the arse!

A volunteering job could give you a boost?

Good Morning.

I think many mums on here will be able to relate to your post.

I have one DC still at home and know there will be a huge empty space in my life once she has gone.

You do sound as though you have a busy, interesting life.

The longing for a dog sounds like you still have lots of love to give and perhaps you could research what to do with that. Are you allergic to all dogs? My understanding is that some types (poodles?) don't trigger allergies. The other option might be to go and volunteer at a dogs home.

It's just a case of finding a balance between your mental and physical health.

Good luck and keep us posted...

Ah, I remember it well. When our last DC left we both felt bereft and were almost mourning to begin with, we'd been parenting for 30 years.

Then...we began to really enjoy our freedom. We were relatively young when we had our first so we never did have much chance to do things on the spur of the moment but we both appreciate that time together now.

A spontaneous trip to France last year stands out as particularly exciting - on the Wednesday DH was saying he'd never been to Normandy, by Friday evening we were there.

However it should be said that we have both made a conscious decision to keep working, at least for now. I do think that makes a difference, it fills our days, brings in money and gives us both something to talk about. Is it worth considering taking a part time job OP?

As for wanting a dog, I've wanted a dog ever since the last DC left, desperately but it wouldn't be fair atm as we are both out all day but I'm not allergic to dogs.
I'm sorry but I think your DH is right on this one: you can't have a dog, they make you ill and as we grow older sorry OP but I'm in the same boat too illnesses become harder to shake off and more likely to cause bigger problems.

Are you allergic to all pet hair? Rabbits can be great pets, guinea pigs too and both are very interactive if you rear them to be tame.
Some dog breeds labradoodles etc don't shed as much, would something like that reduce your allergies to a more manageable level?

A spontaneous trip to France last year stands out as particularly exciting - on the Wednesday DH was saying he'd never been to Normandy, by Friday evening we were there

This kind of shit is what’s keeping us going! That sounds so lovely!!

If you're going to become a grandmother shortly then won't that fill the gap?
You will be very much needed then!

I fear I’ll be in the same boat once our only child is at university. DH and I have lots of hobbies but we tend to do them separately, so we’re trying to do more together, taking advantage of our child-free time now, when they’re off doing their own thing.

((Solidarity))

I feel the same. Can’t post about it as hurts too much but I know what you mean.

FiveStory depends if they live close to OP. Both mine and DH’s parents lived too far away to be hands on grandparents. They did see DS but only every few months not every week.

I am dreading this as only have DS and he is racing through his teens, but I know I have to find things to keep me busy. DH said his mother was absolutely bereft when both he and his sibling left home, didn’t help that they both moved a long way away from her (think MIL assumed they would stay in their home town, she has only moved about 5 miles away from where she was born). She guilt tripped them for many years and then blamed the DILs for awhile. She just couldn’t cope.

But it has taken time, and she now copes and has a very active social life. She keeps telling me I mustn’t be like she was when DS leaves home.

We are not quite there but hurtling towards it and I too am dreading it.

Many times in the last 21yrs I have longed for the day we would have our freedom back, but I know it will be very hard. Friends with younger kids say they can’t wait for the day they leave, I tell them not to wish the years away.

DS will be in his final uni year in Sept, and DD (currently working in retail in the first - of at least 2 - gap years) has just accepted a volunteering post on other side of world from end Sept. She plans to return for Xmas then head off travelling! I am excited for her but can’t quite imagine a house with neither child coming in from school or work in the week. DS also wants to travel after graduating next summer.

We are also 55+, I work 3 days in a professional job that I am fed up of (both the job and commute which exhausts me). Whilst I could afford to finish, I know that now is probably not the right time, as finishing work and having empty nest at same time could be very hard. DH also not ready to finish and is constantly saying that we need to plan for retirement, in terms of keeping busy.

We do have a dog, not my choice when we got her 5+ yrs ago, but I do go walking with her on my 2 days not at work. Plus, whilst she will in some ways be a tie when we are alone in the autumn, I am sure she will help with the adjustment too.

My older cousin said they drove home after taking their only child to uni 20+ years ago thinking ‘what now?’. They have since retired and built a lovely life for themselves, into which they also now have grandchildren.

Hopefully Op, the arrival of your first grandchild will help the adjustment.

I am in a similar position. 2DC at university and on my own in the week with the dog as DP works down south. I am seriously considering packing my job in next year so I can do other things. I had a serious accident earlier this year from which I am still recovering. This has made me realise that you cannot take good health for granted and I need to reasses my priorities. Fortunately I have a dog, who is my only company at home in the week in my massive empty house and I adore him

Try it alone- not

We found that when they were older and lived at home we hardly saw them as they lived in their bedrooms!

Now they’ve all moved out we see much more of them so it’s the opposite for us as we often feel we are on call and our plans might be scuppered at any moment!

Could you get another pet instead of a dog? Hamster?

Kids just screw you over don’t they. They come into your lives, turn them completely upside down, your whole focus becomes them,they suck you in then they fuck off and leave you floundering.

DS is only 10 but I can feel the change already. He doesn’t need me so much anymore. I don’t need to run his bath or clean his teeth or cut his food up and even though I want to still do all those things I’ll be damned if I’m raising a man child so I’m have to encourage his independence when all I really want to do is tuck him under my wing forever!

Kids just screw you over don’t they. They come into your lives, turn them completely upside down, your whole focus becomes them,they suck you in then they fuck off and leave you floundering

Spot on.

Mine both went to uni the same year and are currently doing their finals, quite envious of those with DP's as I am divorced for several years and still on my own.

It’s ok to feel sadness. It’s a big adjustment. I’m at a different stage, my children are 15 and 17. My 15 year old DS has basically adopted alien characteristics - he hates me and doesn’t see anything I do as positive. When I look at old photos of when they were younger it makes me want to cry! I suppose it’s ok for us to feel that loss. It’s part of what we need to acknowledge in order to move on. It’s hard though....