Unhappy DS- WWYD?

[leontes]

I am so worried about DS aged 8. Over the last year, he had transformed from a confident, happy boy with a wide circle of friends at school to someone who is angry, increasingly aggressive at school and has zero self esteem.
I have been speaking regularly with his class teacher and other staff at school. Whilst it is acknowledged by the school that his class has particular problems around social skills/bickering/name calling, they feel DS over reacts to other children. Over the last month, this has manifested itself as DS punching and kicking people who have called him names.
As a result of this behaviour, and other concerns around DS repeatedly punching himself in the head when we try to discuss issues around school, calling himself useless and worthless, we made an appointment to see an Educational Psychologist. Her opinion was that DS' behaviour was as a result of the school environment and the aggression/lashing out is because he is in constantly in flight or fight mode when he's there.
I suppose my question is really, is it time to move schools? He has said he wants to a couple of times, but I'm not naive enough to think a new school will be magic wand. I'm not sure if we would have any problems moving to a new school because of his recent aggressive behaviour- would he now be viewed as a 'problem' child? I just want my funny, happy, outgoing son back.

Is there anything else that's happened in his life over the past year to upset him? A death or illness? Any relatives had accidents?

If not...it's time to move schools certainly.

I would definitely move him. That doesn't sound like a normal class for that age group. Imagine if we were going into an office environment like that every day. Poor boy.

Yes I would definitely move him, in moving my 7yo because of similar class behaviour.

You can definitely get a ‘bad class’. Usually a case of one rotten apple spoiling the barrel.
Poor wee pet.
I would look at a new school and maybe get him some counselling over the summer? Help to boost his self esteem.

If that's what the Ed psych said I wouldn't send him back into that school. Find a new school for September, can you have him at home until then so you can do some fun stuff over the next few months.

The school sounds like they’re minimising this!

Can you possibly home school him until you find a new school. Sounds like that would be the best thing for his mental health.

At this point in the year is it possible to take him out. Spend time home schooling and focusing on his mh and start a new school in september?
If youv got enough family support or a sahp in your home
Poor lad im sorry to hear hes going through this. I definitly think getting him out of the class is a good idea

Is there another class in the same year he could move to ?

Thank for your responses. I think moving schools is probably where we're at. Current School haven't been unsupportive but talking with Ed Psych has definitely made me think they're placing the emphasis very much on DS' behaviour (e.g. giving him a 'safe' space for when he's angry) without really looking at why it's changed so dramatically.
There is have been no significant events/ changes in home life and at home he is generally happy ( normal 8 year old strops aside!). When I raised DS' anxiety around one particular child's behaviour towards him, their response was 'well he'll come across children like that wherever he is and needs to learn to deal with it.'
I'm not sure how homeschooling could work logistically, but we will definitely look at a new school for September.

It's only a two form year group. I had wondered about changing classes, but his most aggressive outbursts at the name calling have been at break/lunchtime, so I'm not sure if changing classes would help if they're all together at social times.

I think counselling would definitely be helpful. School had suggested doing some CBT based intervention with DS but we're waiting to hear what the Ed Psych thought. When I mentioned the CBT to her, she didn't think it was the right approach as it was again putting the emphasis on DS and his behaviour. She suggested some externalising therapy, helping him to see the anger as separate issue, not an intrinsic part of himself. I think that would really help as he currently identifies himself as 'an angry person' or someone who has 'anger issues'- but this was not the case 6 months ago.

I agree with the Ed Psych.

My DS was in a similar situation aged 8yo. He began school refusing. I hugely regret not moving schools sooner.

Maybe he is over reacting a little but the school NEED to be dealing with the name calling

Have they?

If not I’d move schools

Can you Home school him from now until a new place in September?

I really wouldn't keep him there until the summer and actually starting a new school whilst they are on the wind down for summer could be a very positive experience?

Over the last month, this has manifested itself as DS punching and kicking people who have called him names.

I’m not bloody surprised. It sounds miserable. The school need to punish the name-callers. I would not put up with this, OP. I would insist the school do something other than blame the victim. Or I would remove him and HS him, if that’s a possibility?

There are certainly "bad classes" to use shorthand. Too many children with behavioural problems in the same class.

In year gone by heads could suspend much more easily than they can now which means it's often the victims who move when it should be those causing the problems.

Definitely move schools asap. It sounds as though that school is not a safe environment for him.

Does he have a hobby out of school? It might help him to have something that he does out of school that he can value about himself and see as his special thing.

If all he has is school and that isn't going well he might be starting to feel 'useless' as he is saying.

I always liken situations like this to what would happen in the work place....
ie work got that bad it was having a profound impact on your mental health to the point that you were over reacting or reacting in ways that were totally out of character. As an adult we would go to the docs explain how we feel and most likely the doc would immediately sign us off work to get us out of the environment. IF the doctor didn’t or you stayed in the environment this would have a profound detrimental impact on your MH to a point where you might have a break down.

Put that into school context you need to get him out of there ASAP. Pull him out before it impacts even more

School are trying to tackle name calling and social issues but the impression I get is it's a significant number of children, some of whom have more complex backgrounds and parents who really don't engage with school. I'm not unsympathetic- I fully appreciate the challenges of managing a class like this, but I can't sit back and watch DS get dragged down by this.

I always liken situations like this to what would happen in the work place.

Yes, me too! Why is it that it’s not OK to bully and physically hurt an adult but it is a child?

DS takes part in a few out of school activities- rugby, dancing, swimming and cubs. School asked how he resolved problems with others at these activities but he really doesn't have the issues he has at school anywhere else!

Move schools. It's nice you are sympathetic to the other kids,but frankly they are not your problem. Your son is unhappy and no matter what the school did it's unlikely they could sort the class out if there are several children with issues.

The main issue affecting your son seems to be the environment he is in. Change it.

Maybe really try to draw his attention to how successful he is in his extra-curriculars.

I would say a school move is on the cards though. Could you afford a prep? A smaller class might suit him.