Am I depressed or just being a wanker?

[lrh3891]

I'm looking for some advice and perhaps a very gentle kick up the bum, should the good people of MN decide it's required (a gentle one though please; this isn't AIBU!).

I feel really crap at the moment and I don't know whether I am depressed or just need to pull my head out of my arse and get on with it. I genuinely can't tell.

I have a wonderful toddler, a very good job with a salary which allows me to live very comfortably, and a beautiful home- although I don't own it. I'm in good physical health (I think), in reasonable shape, and live I am interesting and vibrant city. I'm lucky and I know it.

I am a single parent, divorced twice by the age of 33. I was single by the time my dc was born, though I'm not a lone parent, as dc's father is involved. My dc is at a very challenging age and it's really getting me down, then I feel horribly guilty, and terrified of anything happening to them. I crave space and alone time but as soon as I'm apart from my dc i feel anxious and sad.

My dc's father hurt me really, really badly a few years back and I haven't ever really dealt with it, I don't think. He now has a new partner, I haven't met her and I know nothing about her- he's been with her a year but it still really hurts. I'm trapped in this "interesting and vibrant" city, far away from friends and family because I'm not allowed to move. I work remotely so I don't meet anyone at work really, and dc's father only has him 1 evening per week and one day at the weekend so I struggle to find the time to meet anyone outside work once i account for time to spend with my child, clean, do the laundry, go to the gym, and all the other stuff people need to do. I'm desperately lonely. I'm letting my work slip because I have no motivation. I spend way too much time in the evenings just watching mindless tv or looking at meaningless shit on my phone. I'm exhausted all the time and sleeping very badly. I'm on the verge of tears ALL the time. I'm at a stage in life where people close to me- friends and family- are starting to have their second babies and I'm devastated to think that will never happen for me, so I'm cutting myself off from them because I can't deal with it. I feel pathetic, selfish and ungrateful but I can't seem to snap out of it.

So. Depressed, or head in arse?

Depressed. It's ok to feel like you do and totally normal.

I don't have a great deal of advice but please go and see your GP. If you can get referred or can afford it privately, please get some counselling. Talking therapies really helped me but don't discount medicines, if needed.

Certainly don't feel embarrassed or that you're not allowed to feel this way. You are worthy of a good life and things will improve.

Perhaps not actually depressed but feeling lonely and unfulfilled can certainly make your mood feel very low.

It will get better as your child is older but meanwhile would you consider a babysitter so that you could join a group or activity once or twice a week to get you out meeting people and possibly even dating?

You sound like you are still processing what happened in your relationships, and it sounds like a lot. Feeling low and sad after a tough experience is normal. Feeling unable to experience pleasure in anything isn’t. It’s good you are still doing the things that give you routine. Being a single parent must be tough and it must be galling seeing your ex ‘move on’. Any groups locally for single parents? At least one good friend to call if you need it?

You sound depressed to me, you poor old saus'! Please go to your GP. I also find exercise, preferably outside, helps me feel less hopeless. And trying to have a decent diet.

It sounds as though you aren't in the UK? And why aren't you allowed to move? What's stopping you?

I agree - on paper you've got everything and yet you're miserable and that suggests that you're depressed - or maybe still mourning what might've been? Either way, go and see your GP and I would consider both medication and/or counselling to get you out of this rut. You have time and it sounds like you have money, so would you consider getting a babysitter one night a week and going out - either to date or to meet a friend? Maybe that seems like too much to consider at the moment, but once your head is in a better place give it some thought. It's easy to be lonely as the parent of a small DC, even more so when you're a single parent. You need some other adults in your life

Why aren't you allowed to move?

Sounds like depression.

Why aren't you allowed to move?

Shake things up and take some action (which makes you feel better as it's positive steps) -

1. See your GP. Antidepressents literally stopped me from going crazy last year when I was really struggling.
2. Get your B12 and vit D levels checked and if necessary take a supplement.
3. Find a counsellor. You may have to go to more than one before you find someone you click with, but see someone about the hurt you feel resulting from your Ex. They can help you come to terms with it and move on.
4. Exercise. I know it's the last thing you feel like doing when you are down and feeling crap, but even just a 30 minute walk can make a huge difference to your mental health.
5. Talk. You aren't alone. Even if you can't discuss it IRL then post on here. MN is a fantastic resource and full of people with all sorts of experiences. You don't have to do this solo.

Thank you for all the kindness. It made me sob. I am aware this is not normal!

I can't move because my dc's dad lives here and will not agree to it. I think part of my issue is that I need to accept that my life is here now, even if that's not what I want.

I will try to find a counsellor- I've tried a couple of times already and it's never worked out. Partly a bad fit, partly a hectic and unpredictable work schedule making it very difficult to keep a regular appointment.

I was treated for anxiety a decade or so again, I can feel it rearing its ugly and unwelcome head. This time round I might consider medication if a GP felt it was necessary. Thanks everyone.

Absolutely you sound depressed. Go and see your GP and see what they suggest.

Re. moving, would you want to move countries, or just cities? Legally I believe you can do the latter without your ex's consent, though of course it isn't ideal. But presumably he has an interest in your child, and by extension you, having a happy home life. Anecdotal, but a friend of mine had two children who live with their mum and when she wanted to move cities to be closer to her own family and a support network they were able to agree on new visiting terms (longer visits, less frequently) because he could see that the kids would be better off with more family around to help out, and his ex would be less depressed!

How far away are your family and friends?