If your life isn't anything like you wanted and you've managed to come to terms with it, how?

[justisntwhatiwanted]

I've made a whole load of bad choices in my education and work. I'm at the point where establishing the career I want will take longer than the time I've got left to have kids but I can't afford to have kids without being established in a better job.

I've just spent three hours sitting doing nothing just thinking. I feel completely trapped and overwhelmed. I feel like I can't breathe whenever I think about it and I can't see that it's going to get any better as life passes me by. I wish I'd had the sense to make different choices years ago but there's nothing I can do about that now.

Has anybody been in a similar position and found a way to feel ok with it?

Break it into chunks
What do you want to actually achieve from a different career?
Is it for example balance, money, excitement etc
What do you enjoy doing, be it work or not
Focus on that and being able to do more of it
Life is too short to focus on what you perceive you can’t have
X

I do plenty of stuff that I enjoy. Can't say it does anything to reduce my desire for a family unfortunately.

I also made plenty of bad choices when younger and life ended up taking a different path than anyone could have envisioned for me. Not to blow my own trumpet, but up to GCSE level I was in the top 5% of the school, was destined to go to a decent university, do whatever I wanted as a career etc.

Some family events happened around that time and my mental health wasnt great. I dropped out of 6th form and subsequently college the year after. I'd hoped to be able to give it a third go after getting myself in order, but Mum simply couldn't afford to keep me after 18, so I got a job in a warehouse. I never thought of going back to education later as I thought that ship had sailed. 14 years later I'm a long distance truck driver who doesn't have the ability or time to do say, the Open University, and I'm not at home with enough assured regularity to do some kind of evening education. I have a mortgage and my partner is now pregnant with our first child, so I cant afford to change to even another driving job that has me home more. I'm trapped.

In your specific case though, it seems your desire for a family outweighs your need for a career. For some people, career is everything and fair play to them if that is how they measure success, but not everyone does. My mum had one desire in life, and that was to be a Mum before anything else.

This is just my opinion, but, you don't NEED the career or the better job to be able to have kids. It's a bonus and would help for sure, but it's not an absolute necessity, or else how on earth do the majority of people earning less than £40k combined manage?

One thing I'm learning as time goes on is just how fleeting life actually is, how quickly it passes us by. You may have reached that cross roads where the choice is either career or a family, but don't think you NEED the first to be able to have the latter. Think on which will give you greatest sense of satisfaction and personal achievement, and do what will make you happiest.

Life is short, but it still gives us plenty of time to regret the paths not taken when the door closes on them.

Have you got a partner, husband or father for the children? What does he think? Is he prepared to support you (emotionally as well as financially) while you progress your career and/or have the children?

I’m with u. I thought I would have children. Love a full life. Loved my job etc etc. I was very active

Six months into pregnancy 15 years ago my body gave up. Now 15 years later. I’m still suffering the after effect. I suffer also from
Fibromyalgia and everything that entails
Vitamin b12 and d deficiency and the injections never seem to work.
Prolapses
I have a bad neck
Twisted back
Carpel tunnel in both hands and fluid on my right hand
I have very bad feet.
I have become wheat and dairy free
I developed ibs.
My bladder is broke. And doesn’t function properly anymore. It also reacts to food and liquid so as with all the above I don’t have many things to eat
Not surprisingly I suffer from very bad mental health problems.
I have no friends left because let’s face it who would want to be friends with someone like me.

I can’t work. Can’t sleep.
This is not how I saw my life. I have lost everything. I have a wonderful husband and a gorgeous teenager. But everyday they leave this house to have a life and I stay behind.

Not the way I saw my life.

I don’t have much to add, just to say that @FrothyB’s answer was very well put and spot on.

Life is too fleeting, i’m becoming increasingly aware of that as even in middle age i have several friends die in recent years. If what you want is a family above all else, channel all your efforts towards above all else. Children don’t care what job you have, only that they’re loved and cared for. I know that sounds pat when i have no idea about your personal circumstances, and you might have very valid reasons why that’s not possible, but sometimes it is worth asking yourself if you can reframe the problem to work better for you?

I know plenty of people have kids needing financial support from elsewhere but it's not for me. Shit happens, circumstances change but I wouldn't have a child knowing that I can't actually support them myself.

Sorry to hear about your situation dontgiveamonkeys

Feeling totally overwhelmed today. Forget long-term, I'd give anything to go back 12 months and do this year differently. Didn't really realise that things were one time opportunities until I'd messed them up and now I'm out of options and nothing is magically sorting itself out. I just don't know how to get over the regrets.

Life happens. I lost my potential career after being attacked and developing depression at uni: too much time off and I had to leave. I’d planned to have kids after qualifying. Instead I took a couple of years to regroup and trained in a different field, which I came to love. Had kids, then career fell apart.
I always saw my value in terms of my work/ vocation. I’ve had to learn to value myself differently.
For what it’s worth, if I had my time again I’d have kids sooner. With no career it’s easier to put things on hold for a while, and you can find more flexible work. I’ve struggled financially at times, but not so the kids would notice! They don’t need expensive stuff or days out, and would appreciate-more time with me on a lower wage rather than less time and expensive child care.
It sounds like family is important- do it! You can make it work.

Don't give too much time to them xx my advice is, do what you can, now. You can't get back the past but it will humble and teach us all and we then move forward from there. What's the next best option for you??

I don't have good advice OP - I don't have the life I want, and there's no way I can get it (mid 40s): but I read a good comment in a novel that was something about living the life you have, not the one you wished you have. I took this to mean that we only have one chance - this is it, not a rehearsal: so change what we can, and work on changing the way we think about the things we can't.

The way I deal with my regrets-which are real and powerful - is to try to accept that where I am now is where I am. Some people might say that this is where I am meant to be, even if it's not where I want or wanted to be. I am not so sure about that, but I can crack on with changing what I have power over, and hoping that the changes I am making will improve my situation - and how I feel about it.

So - no magic advice for accepting shit. But an acknowledged that perhaps good plans and effecting change might have a pay off towards the future.

But I fucking howl whenever I remember I'll never be as young and with as much life in front of me as I do right now. Today.

Meditation might help, I suppose - finding a way to truly be and live in the present, rather than dwelling on the past and dreading the future? Anyway to you and everyone else who has this struggle.

I hate my life and feel utterly trapped. I often wish I had a time machine and could go back and try to change things.

I don't have a whole lot of options. The course that I'm doing was plan Z. I thought I'd finally found what I want to do but again, it hasn't worked out and I don't know what I'm going to do next, I'm out of backup plans, which I think is why I'm suddenly feeling so panicked about everything.

Funnily enough, I've just been writing a list of potential options, none of them particularly realistic for various reasons and 'time machine' is on there. Meditation is an idea though. I could definitely do with feeling more relaxed.

OP I am in the same position as you.

Every time I think my life is finally going somewhere, something drastic happens that completely changes it's course. Started a career - surprise (but not unwanted) pregnancy. I then couldn't do anything until I went to college, followed by University, but I had to quit Uni after my marriage broke down.

All I want to do is get a job that isn't minimum wage at this point. I would happily live off 20,000. I'm not asking for much. But it's a huge fight even just to live slightly more comfortably.

Ive had to lower expectations. Technically i had an amaxing education/degreea but ive just not been able to function in what I ttained for.

I have beautiful children but have been unable to make it work with a career. I think few people have it all. Theres a lot on mumsnet that do but rememebr mn is a weird subsection of mainly educated well off mothers (im only 2 of those 3!)

I have a good friend in this sort of situation. Not so much due to mistakes, more just how things have panned out. He faces it really bravely and trys to enrich his life in ways he can with things like hobbies and learning new skills.

My life is v different to what I wanted due to health problems meaning I'm not well enough to have children or do a lot of the things I would have imagined would be in my life. My career has totally stalled as I can only do the bare minimum and have had to reduce my hours to v part time. It's hard and very sad. I am trying to love the life I have, I try to focus on the small stuff, the things I can do and I do still enjoy my life although there are still times I feel so sad I cant breathe, but I think right now I'm doing ok considering.

How old are you op? What career do you want? Do you have a dp / Dh? It's hard to know if your regrets are real or if you are stuck in procrastination with out more information. I live a pretty dull whatever whatever life. I often feel I could do more. But I am really tired and have some health issues. My whatever whatever life is actually quite nice if unremarkable I am focusing on changing my expectations but that might not be the right answer for you.

Do you have a partner or family? It sounds like kids are the most important thing to you. Without anymore info I think aiming for that would make you most fulfilled. If you don't have a partners support for kids could you move in with family and have them? It sound like you're focusing too much on having a job / career you love, how about just an ordinary on that pays your bills. That could all be rubbish depending on your circumstances, but it isn't really clear what your circumstances are.

No one really "has it all".Sometimes life presents challenges .we have to get through as best we can at that time .Almost everyone would probably do something differently TBH if they had their time again.If you really want children then you should go for it .Can you not go for a lower paid job ?.Save up some money now, and see if that would help with Childcare costs until free hours kick in?.I read a quote recently saying "Life doesnt have to be perfect to be beautiful".Lots of people dont have dream jobs but still have a family!Good Luck for the future

I can relate to lowering expectations. I've done that a lot in general.

I don't have or want a partner and that's a fairly recent realisation, which is probably contributing to how crap I feel. I've always known that I don't like men but I didn't realise I don't like women either until fairly recently.

I don't have a bad life at all. I'm fit and reasonably healthy and I've got a home, a low stress job and hobbies/interests. I've never wanted loads of money or stuff or a super high flying career. I thought I'd meet somebody, have a couple of kids, get qualified as an accountant and live a very average life. Things just haven't worked out how I thought they would.