What do you do if you suspect your friend of being deeply unhappy?

[BasinHaircut]

Do you say something or mind your own business?

Bit of background, person I’ve known for 20+ years, since young teens, close friend almost like family IYKWIM.

As teens she always had the boyfriends, was happy go lucky, really confident, pleasant, wouldn’t have said a bad word about anyone. She was the one you knew would be settled down and married, couple of kids, beautiful home, ticking all the boxes before the rest of us. We knew it and she knew it but not in an arrogant way, just it’s how she saw her future I think.

Anyway, fast forward to now and although she is now recently married, she has waited years and years for it which I think has really affected her confidence and frame of mind.

Meanwhile all of her friends have got married over the past 10 years, bought houses, had babies and all the rest of it. Basically lived the life she saw herself living when she is the only one not. I think she feels like she has been left behind.

Also, her husband is not (in my opinion) the person she saw herself ending up with. He is (again, in my opinion) a functioning alcoholic and when he is drinking is not a nice person to be around. Not violent or abusive, just a right dick. Although she has stoped telling me about what he does when drunk, I know enough from over the years to know what she lives with week in week out.

On top of this she has had some pretty serious health issues over the past year that have resulted in her not being able to TTC just yet and she is now approaching late thirties. I know this is a very real worry for her.

Anyway, she has subsequently changed into someone who doesn’t seem to be able to be happy for anyone else. Overly critical of everyone, absolutely fears missing out on even the smallest thing. She seems to think she has to prove that she is better friends with, or spends more time with, or knows more about someone than anyone else.

To me it’s just so obvious that she is miserable and my heart breaks for her. But it’s tricky. What do I do? I already think she has backed away from telling me about her DH’s behaviour after a pretty shocking incident that I was fairly straight with her about, saying how she shouldn’t have to live like that.

I wouldn’t want to tell her what I’ve written here because it would sound so critical of her life. I have considered sounding this out with another of our friends but again it could sound bitchy.

WWYD?

I think you've already been critical enough, if she's stopped sharing things with you. You can't make someone want to be happy, you can't make someone choose a path of your choice. All you can do is be a friend, and add bits of brightness and happiness to her life, when she is with you.

Oh and LISTEN to her when she tells you things, stop telling her that she shouldn't be living like that.

Just to clarify, I have listened countless times to the stories about her DH’s behaviour and said nothing. There was one particularly shocking incident that did spill over into what could be considered abusive where she had considered calling me to come and collect her in the middle of the night (she had been drinking and didn’t drive) but didn’t because it was late and didn’t want to trouble anyone. At which point I told her she absolutely should have and in future to do so. I assume that she realised how shocking I found it all based on my reaction and has chosen not to share those stories any more, but I know his behaviour hasn’t changed.

I am not trying to tell her how to live her life at all.

Not a constructive suggestion because I dont know what to advise. Could you engineer her doing you a huge favour so that if she does need to call you for help it's a reciprocated favour rather than her thinking she's imposing on you.