Help my 18 yr old wont work or sign on

[Angeltears]

My 18 yr old quit his job in January .
Claiming he hated it there . And hes depressed . Ive asked him to go to the Drs for help but he wont . He showers every day . Waits for his mates to finish work and goes out till around 11-12 pm . He doesnt help around the house at all.
So i applied for some jobs for him . I got him two jobs which he quit after about 5 days .
I suffer with mental health and see a councillor weekly . I hardly go out of the house . Money is tight . I am a widow since 2011 . I have two other children still in school.
My 18 yr old wont see a Dr .
Wont sign on.
And hasnt been looking for work .
So im basically keeping him with my benefits.
Ive now changed the wifi password . And told him hes not going on it until he sorts himself out
Ive also threatened to sell his computer games ..
Im at my witts end . Someone please help . I dont know what to do next. And i cant afford to keep paying for him. Its been making me feel so ill the last few days

No advice to offer, but what a miserable situation to find yourself in. It's easy to be tough about other people's children I know, but I'd hit the roof, probably give him notice to move out. It's very difficult if he's depressed though.

He won't, won't, won't....then you won't pay for him and you won't put a roof over his head.

Easier said than done I know, but if 'I won't' is his default setting, then you don't have to enable it.

Sorry to hear this.

Are there any other adults he is close to who could speak to him? An aunt or uncle or cousin? He might be more willing to listen if its someone else.

Alternatively, can you go and see your GP and ask him to provide you with details of any services that he can access, you can then pass this information to your son? He may choose to do something if left with the information.

good luck

Assuming it was his father that passed away..... I’m a widow and my boy is only 10. However I worry a lot how he will
Be when he’s 18 without his father. Might his behaviour be related to his fathers passing?

My sister is very like that. She used "depressed" as a get out of jail free card for a very long time and it infuriated me that mum fell for it.

If he isn't showing any signs of depression he's likely using it as he knows you won't challenge him. I firmly believe this is a form of emotional abuse that you see more and more these days.

In the end mum had to get tough on her and stop paying for ANYTHING for her. She got a job fast enough when she couldn't mooch off her friends -or me (she tried but I am older with Dh and dc) - anymore and is now reasonably independent.

Its tough and he will fight you on it but it is sheer laziness at best and even if he is depressed that doesn't give him the excuse to not sign on. There will even be extra support for him if he does.

He is technically an adult but still living like a child while expecting the perks of being a grown up. How is he paying for his time out with friends?

I'm sorry you are going through this and genuinely sympathise as I know how much it was making my mum ill.

Well he either signs on, gets a job or moves out. Could you both look for a job together?

Hi yes its his Dad that passed away . He had Cancer. He was offered to see a counciller many times . He and his Sister . I even offered to go with them . But they didnt want to .
Hes not interested at all in looking for a job .
We have no other family unfortunatly . Not anyone hes close to . Only distant aunts and uncles hes probrably only met once or twice .
I cant afford to pay for him to go out with his mates . So he goes out without any money . Youthy , free pool etc .
And ive looked up online there is nothing at all Drs can do as hes 18 .
Unless hes a danger to himself or others .
So im treading on egg shells but trying to be firm its a catch 22

Maybe related to his Dads passing . But he wont seek help .

My son won’t have help either and it’s difficult because they need to want to get help to receive counselling . My son had some sessions at school and just sat there in silent.

Do you still talk to him
About his father though? Is it worth having conversations about him so if it is about him it’s opening up the lines of communication . Perhaps something like “at the age of 18 your father was working as a...... would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Perhaps on the job front why not look for a job where it’s only a few hours per week or even temporary. Maybe getting him used to working slowly? Hopefully he will like the benefits of working?

Oh yes we still talk about his Dad . As his 8 yr old Brother was only 2 when his Dad passed. So doesnt remember much about him . He asks lots of questions about him to all of us all the time.
Every time i mention work / jobs he just changes the subject or starts to get annoyed . Just says ok i know Mum