Opened a can of worms

[RitaMarga]

I've opened a can of worms. And I don't what to do next.

I've been struggling for awhile now, with mental health I guess. Have difficulty functioning, that sort of thing. I was able to access 6 hours of CBT through a scheme (not NHS), friend persuaded me as she thought it might help.

Now the six sessions are done, but the therapist thinks I need long term help, preferably with a clinical psychologist as my issues are complex. So they want me to go to the doctor so I can get help through NHS, and also want me referred for ASD assessment.

I didn't realise things were so complicated. I guess what seems normal for me is maybe not?

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like my life has been upended.

I’m not sure what you are asking. Why don’t you do what the therapist recommends? It doesn’t sound too complicated. If you feel overwhelmed, take it one step at a time.

No Need to catasrophise, one step at a time and you might just feel great.

I'm not sure what I'm asking either.

I think the problem is my family don't really understand the extent of my issues. My mum just brushes everything aside. I tried to tell her that the therapist recommended the Dr and why and she was like 'The CBT person isn't qualified to say those things you don't a GP there is nothing wrong with you.

I don't think I could go to the GP without the support of my family. But equally I don't think I can continue on like this either. And then I think there are so many people with a greater need than me, I'd probably just be wasting NHS time. And I don't think I've got the patience for any long drawn out ASD assessment. It just all makes me feel very anxious.

I don't think I could go to the GP without the support of my family

Stop right there.

If you're at a stage where you feel you can't carry on without some help, then seek the help. Don't look at the long haul right now, just go day by day, one little baby step at a time. You don't have to think ahead to the end result.

Please understand that your health is your business and that lots and lots of people are taking those baby steps to get through. There's no formula or magic answer to daily life and you're absolutely not unusual to be looking for a helping hand.

You're not wasting NHS time OP, go to see your GP. I've needed and had a lot of help over the past few years. It's there for us to use when we need it.

Well the CBT therapist is way more qualified than your mother in being able to advise whether you need to see a GP or not.

Please don’t let your mother put you off. You are as deserving of help as anyone.

You have not opened a can of worms, you have opened the door to your recovery and leading a better, healthier life. These actions will help you, and be a positive thing. You don't need the support of family or anyone who doesn't wish to understand and be supportive, you need you to be open to this new challenge to improve your quality of living. You are enough for you and with the right medical help you will be in a better place. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Thank you for the advice. You all talk a lot of sense. It's so difficult though to go against my family. If I've not got their support I've not got anyone. It could take years to get support from NHS mental services. I'm sure there are many people whose mental health needs are more pressing. And I don't want to take antidepressants and they might just suggest that.

What would I even say to the GP? Also it's hard enough getting children assessed for ASD with years of waiting. Why would want to assess me? I'm worried I'll be laughed out the Surgery.

You will be listened to by the GP. Tell her what you told us. When you have that conversation then things can start being put in place to help you.

You can make your life better for yourself, go for it!

Rita this is nothing to do with your family, this is your journey.

Will the therapist not write a letter to your GP explaining why she feels you need to continue? What did they say about that? If not all you do is ask the receptionist for an appointment and say it’s private. When you see the doctor just explain the situation and what your therapist said. They may try to get in touch with them for more detailed information. You absolutely won’t get laughed out the surgery.

I’ve seen a clinical psychologist and they don’t just see anybody with minor issues so your therapist must feel it’s needed.

Your not opening a can of worms your just accessing treatment like you would if you had a broken arm or skin complaint. I think a qualified professional knows more than your mum! My DGM refuses to believe in depression. She says people just get fed up and need to pull them self’s together 🙈

No one can force you to take AD, I didn’t take them. They helped me look at alternatives, infact they were happy to look at the alternatives with me, meditation, exercises ect (I think most doctors prefer that anyway tbh)

It’s not the massive deal you think it is. Honestly just go and see what the GP says and be 100% honest. My problem was not admitting what I was really feeling

you don't [need] a GP there is nothing wrong with you.

Translation: if there's something wrong with you, that must mean I am a defective mother. I am not prepared to accept/admit that.

Your family will support you OP. Get the medical help that is being offered to you. You can back out any time you want.

As others have said your CBT therapist is absolutely qualified to say if you need further help. Your mum is not. You don't need family validation in order to access MH services, you don't even have to tell your family if you don't want to. Have a chat with your GP to see what your options are. You don't have to commit to anything, just see how you feel. MH problems deserve the same recognition as other illnesses and conditions. You are entitled to ask for help. You are entitled to treatment.

Can I ask what age are you and do you live with your mum?

Translation: if there's something wrong with you, that must mean I am a defective mother. I am not prepared to accept/admit that.

Yes, I wondered if this might be a factor. Or maybe she would feel bad about not seeking help for me in childhood.

I've had symptoms of anxiety, and what I now recognise as sensory issues since I was a toddler. It was always just said that I was highly strung.

I'm in my 30's now and have 2 children with ASD and anxiety. I don't live with my Mum, but I only live 5 minutes away and she helps a lot with the children. We talk on a daily basis, but we can't talk about this because she doesn't agree. I would find it very difficult to just go behind her back and see a GP without telling her. I'd end up blurting it out and then we might argue and I can't cope with conflict.

The dynamic between you and your mum sounds incredibly unhealthy and it makes me wonder if it is actually a major contributing factor to your issues.

You are a grown woman, own house, kids...and you feel like you cannot go to the GP if your mum doesn't approve. In the kindest way possible, that is utterly bonkers and very worrying.

Do you often find yourself modifying your behaviour to avoid conflict with her? How does she show her disapproval? What would be the consequences of you going to the GP "against her wishes"?

Yes. It is bonkers! Intellectually I can see that.

I modify my behaviour to avoid conflict with anyone. I don't know what would happen if I went against my mum because I've never done it.

If you thought there was something up with one of your kids and you wanted to discuss it with the gp and your mum thought otherwise, what would you do? I think you'd bring them to gp. For the sake of your kids , if not yourself because they need the best possible mum, you need to make the initial gp appointment and discuss this all through with them. Everything you've done and why, what was said to you, what you've covered, why you don't want to take certain medication, lack of family support for your issues but good support to help with kids etc . Maybe it will take years maybe it wont but nothing will improve if you do nothing. Just little steps just for your own wellbeing. the fact your kids both have ASD and anxiety issues you getting help for yourself could really assist you in helping them couldn't it?

Incidentally your mums reaction is not that unusual a relative of mines husband was diagnosed as autistic in his mid 30's following issues with their eldest ds who has an Asperger's diagnosis, his mother still denies that this is true. Refuses to help him, and it doesn't matter what any family member says she just goes that he is fine and should stop seeing doctors. She had the same when her daughter was diagnosed celiac late and refuses to believe in Glutten free products, to this day says her daughter has a bad stomach caused by a holiday in France 10 years ago.

Your mum's opinion is her opinion, but it isn't a hard and fast rule. So her saying "you don't need to go to the GP" is her opinion. She formed it based on the facts that she had.

She didn't attend the CBT with you. She probably doesn't know the true extent of how much you are struggling. She is not qualified in CBT (maybe she has never even had it/truly knows what it is). I could go on. But my point is that when an opinion is formed it is only as good as the information it is based on.

You have more information than your mum, and your therapist has more information regarding your mental health and possible treatments than your mum. Your therapist thinks you need to go to the GP.

So who logically has the more informed opinion?

we might argue

What leads you to think you might argue with her?

It was always just said that I was highly strung.

Do you think you are/were highly strung?

I am a little highly strung I guess. In that I'm very particular about things and if things deviate from how I like them I will have feelings of panic rise up inside me that make me want to scream or smash things. I've been like this since I was a toddler. An example would be if someone were to disrupt the careful arrangement of things on my desk. Or when I was a child I could only sit on a specific chair at a specific spot on the dining table carefully aligned. I would spend several minutes adjusting my chair and cutely to ensure everything correctly aligned. Then a sibling would 'accidentally' nudge the table presumably because they found me having a paddy and having to start over the whole sitting at the table process amusing. There are many more examples as I've been like this all my life. I have massive problems of panicking if I find clothes uncomfortable too. So if that's what highly strung means then I guess I am.

I'm much better at controlling it now though. I don't generally lose it so much, I tend to just hide in my bed if I can't cope.

Cutlery that should say

"Highly Strung" in this context simply sounds like a way of dismissing issues that no one was inclined to address. As a PP said.

Those issues, as you are probably aware, are typical in ASD, also sensory processing disorder and OCD could have similar presentations.

It is time, I think, for you to put yourself first, and do right by yourself, because it is clear that no one else is going to do it for you. You deserve to be happy, and I can understand the temptation to close it all off and hide from it, but you will just keep going round in circles.

Don't think of it as one big thing. Just take it one step at a time. The first step is to make a GP appointment? Can you do that?