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Original poster

Am I with ANOTHER narc or am I paranoid?!

18 replies

Loka123 · 13/05/2019 19:29

Ok history is I had a 1 year relationship with a narc (who obviously seemed super nice, charming, was in contact with me almost 24/7, fast forwarded the relationship, love bombed me and then started to triangulate me with previous supplies, controlled me ridiculously and was very much a hypocrite so I ended up leaving him. He'd also always blame others for his misfortunes and never himself (everyone else was always the bad guy and he'd put me on the pedestal as "being the only good woman out there for him")

Now, a year later, I've met another guy - he seems.. similar I guess in the early stages, quite generous, respectable on a first date and continually compliments me, says he dreams about me, etc. (over enthusiastic considering how little time we've known each other- 2 weeks), saying I might be the "one", how excited he is to see me again, etc. and he also tends to place the blame on others for him no longer speaking to them (i.e. his parents (one of his parents was having affairs and when he confronted the parent, it became nasty and both parents no longer speak to him, the mother of his child who he broke up with 5 months ago as she had been cheating on him.. he says), people at work he has disagreements with etc. He is incredibly charming and persuasive with me and being extremely understanding and interested in everything I say (which is exactly how my previous narc was).. so negatively, I'm thinking - could he also be a narc? Unlike my previous narc who didn't have long term relationships, this one has had one lasting 5 years (but has had one night stands etc. numerous times too)? Or that he's being over the top charming, nice and flirty (on text, hour long phone calls etc) as I'm a rebound to him? OR is he genuine?

My question is: have you met men who've done the whole sweeping you off your meet, too much too soon love bombing (who also talk badly about others e.g. ex-gfs, relatives etc. with/without good reason) yet turned out to be really great partners who were just hard done by by the rest of the world (I know it can happen as I've known the nicest guys to have been treated awfully by people as they take advantage) and are genuinely attracted to you (NOT as narc supply)?

I guess I'm just worried about the same thing happening again

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 19:36

@Loka123

You sound incredibly self aware and astute my love, if you're this concerned this early on you're either not in the right place for a relationship or you've seen a red flag and are reacting accordingly and correctly by considering walking away.

Either way maybe it's best to distance yourself for now?

Ormally · 13/05/2019 21:53

I'd say maybe give him a chance if you are enjoying things? 2 weeks seems a bit early to say you know him well enough to work out how to take some of his behaviour or give him the benefit of the doubt or otherwise. Try to have a little bit of fun without being too keen to go second guessing if possible.

RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 13/05/2019 22:21

Sorry but two weeks IS WAY TOO EARLY for him to be talking about you being the one.

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Oddsocks2 · 13/05/2019 22:23

Hmmm he’s told you about a lot of people that he is in bad relationships with. Also he’s placing quite a high expectation on you by saying you might ‘be the one’ after only 2 weeks. It sounds like there is a bit of pressure already. If it’s ‘too much too soon’ for you, then he’s not sensitive to who you are as a person. You need to set some boundaries down - if he can’t listen to them or gets highly offended, then run.

pictish · 13/05/2019 22:35

He says he dreams about you. Well that's a lie isn't it...but it sounds good.
I'd say your instincts are working well.
He has strife with people and thinks you might be 'the one' after a fortnight.
Stay cautious.

babbi · 13/05/2019 22:40

Be very cautious... TBH the falling out with so many others is a big red flag to me

Ohyesiam · 13/05/2019 22:43

They sound like red flags to me.

Original poster

Loka123 · 13/05/2019 22:43

Thanks everyone so far..

and he also told me he closed his account on the dating site we met on - (and that it doesn't make much difference but thought he'd let me know)

OP posts:

EnidButton · 13/05/2019 22:44

Telling you about his serious relationship problems after 2 weeks sounds too much. Plus he was with someone 5 years, has a child with them and she was the one who ended it only 5 months ago. I wouldn't go there personally, it smells a bit off.

BrevilleTron · 13/05/2019 22:46

Red bunting. I'd disengage. Too much too soon from him.

Original poster

Loka123 · 13/05/2019 22:46

@EnidButton He said he ended it with her because she cheated on him, denied it but he found proof and left instantly.

& the only reason his issues about his past relationship came up so early on is because he has a child with her so he'll say he'll see his kids on day X and it would lead into a convo about the child's mum.

OP posts:

EnidButton · 13/05/2019 22:48

I meant it wasn't his decision really. Deciding to end a relationship because you don't get on anymore or have grown apart or whatever is different to one person cheating on the other. That's far messier and hurtful.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 13/05/2019 23:02

EnidButton
All the op knows about the break up 5 months ago is what he's told her, yes being cheated on is very messy and different but the op doesn't know if it's true.
@Loka123
There would be far too many red flags for me to continue this relationship. The fact that all his personal relationship problems are the fault of the other people would tell me that he's the one with the problems.

pictish · 14/05/2019 06:46

With his talk about you being ‘the one’ and telling you he has shut down his dating app account, he is possibly trying to fast forward you into making more of this two week ‘relationship’ than there can feasibly be.
It might be charming and exciting to imagine someone is just so bowled over by you but really, it’s potentially a manipulative way of slyly creating a sense of obligation to him.
Be careful.

floribunda18 · 14/05/2019 06:49

I would ask him more detail about situations where he appears to blame others and see how he reacts.

Lovestonap · 14/05/2019 08:19

Someone who has fallen out with everyone and its always their fault will probably have zero insight into their own behaviour.

I think I'd pass. The easiest thing to do though would be as a pp has suggested, put some boundaries in that you feel comfortable with and see how/if he respects them.

It would be a shame for a previous relationship to colour all of them going forward, having said that, your experience and instinct was hard-won and you should be able to use it to protect yourself going forward. Good luck.

Original poster

Loka123 · 15/05/2019 19:53

Thanks so far everyone :(

OP posts:

pictish · 15/05/2019 20:29

I know. It’s ghastly isn’t it OP?
Believe me, it’s not nice being as cynical as we all appear to be here. A ‘could be wrong’ disclaimer obviously applies because none of us know your fella from Adam. But yeah...some red flags there.

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