Handheld needed! MIL possibly had stroke

[confusedofengland]

Background: MIL, 70, was diagnosed with vascular dementia just before Christmas. She has been declining but still knows who we are, which is great. Very poor short-term memory, a little bit snappy, has wandered off once, sometimes forgets who FIL is or doesn't believe him when he says things, so tough for him.

They live 130 miles from us. SIL is a 5-minute drive from them & doesn't work & only has teens at home, so helps out a lot.

DH is currently working full-on days (gone from home about 14 hours/day or more), but is in a contract with 6 more weeks to run. Also does football training most weekends & has just gone on Parish council. I work a few hours a week as am mainly SAHM to our 3 DC, 8-year old DS2 has moderately severe autism (think 32.5 hours/week support in mainstream school). We have 1 car for the household.

Anyway, I think that's all background, trying not to drip feed. DH got a message about 2 hours ago from SIL to say MIL was really out of it & they took her to doctors. Doctor said infection but also possibly stroke. They are currently in hospital waiting to be seen, have been prioritised. MIL is apparently a bit better, very sleepy, high temperature & BP.

Understandably, DH is very worried but feels helpless. He was at work when he got the message, on his way home now & awaiting more news.

I don't know how to support him! Have said go to them if he needs to, I can handle things at home etc. In reality I will struggle, especially without car, but his mother takes priority I feel & I would never let on if I do struggle.

We saw them this weekend & she seemed ok, lots of repeating stuff but also fairly alert & happy. So this has come as a shock to us both.

Can anybody suggest anything I can/should do? Or does anybody have any experiences of having a stroke after being diagnosed with vascular dementia? Everything I read on Google talks about stroke being a cause of vascular dementia not vice versa

Anyway, sorry for rambling & thanks for reading if you got this far. I just feel so helpless

She's had blood tests now & they're waiting for the results. Apparently, she is not with it, but at least is not upset, which is reassuring.

I was in a similar situation yesterday and had to drop everything with a long drive to get to the hospital. Is it possible for your DH to book a couple of days off work & get the train leaving you with the car.

Strokes and vascular dementia go hand in hand, and depending on what kind of vascular dementia she has it could be the case that she has a series of mini strokes (TIAs) resulting in her dementia getting progressively worse with each one as a result.

The likelihood is that there won't be much he can do right now but it may be that now is the time to start looking at getting some outside support for PILs as if FIL was already struggling then this might also make things even harder.

He's very busy at work & doesn't get time off, as it is a contract, but if he has to go I guess they can't stop him! Train or coach could be an option but would be very slow.

Sorry to hear you were in a similar situation, hope it's improving.

Thanks Hatgirl, I think they are reluctant to get outside help in but may have to now

No help to add but sending

It's worth holding on to the fact that infections - especially UTIs - can exacerbate enormously the signs of dementia too: so crossing fingers that this is "all" it is.

I really hope so, incognito!

DH is home now. Waiting for SIL to call with news from the hospital.

Definitely check that they are checking for UTI s. That is a relatively easy fix and is easy to miss. If it is a minor stroke, it's another ball game but it is not something that a rapid response from you and DH will fix. If SIL and FIL are coping for the moment, I would support via phone calls and getting dinner delivered and maybe drive up at the weekend. Of course this all might change depending upon what the doctors say.

No help to add but here for a hand hold x

Even if it is a stroke, if she's talking (even if it's not making much sense) and moving, those are still good signs - but the waiting is horrible . I think at the moment, being guided by what SIL/FIL want, and what your DH wants to do (he may feel better for going there, even if there's nothing he can do - or he may be more like my DH, who's irritatingly pragmatic!).

We're a very stroke-prone family, on both sides, but the good news is that there's much more that can be done nowadays, and the bottom line is that she's in hospital, so will be under close observation for changes etc

Sending some positive vibes and heartfelt prayers your family's way, OP.

Thank you for all the thoughts & well wishes.

There is an update: she definitely has an infection (of what sort they don't know) & has been given antibiotics. They have done a CT scan & she'll get the results on Wednesday at 9am. She was able to walk about when the doctor came to see her so was allowed home. She is talking a little but still very quiet & far from being 'right'

I am trying to be positive for DH & he is being fairly normal but quiet/anxious but we are in limbo until Wednesday really. I have reiterated to DH that it's fine to be sad/cross but he says that he just deals with things differently from me.

My own grandmother died from a stroke when I was 16, but it was a second stroke a few years after a first one & she was 86, so a fair bit older than MIL.

How worrying. 70 seems young for vascular dementia.
In my experience any infection , particularly a UTI, but other infections too, make people with mild dementia seem much worse. They can be like a different person. Even in someone elderly without dementia actually. So hopefully it is an infection that they can get on top of, rather than a stroke.
My Mum had vascular dementia and several large strokes, so I know how stressful it is. Hope she is better soon.

Vix I'm sorry your mum went through it too, it's horrible 70 is very young, but I guess it's one of those things. Her lifestyle has never been great in terms of exercise, diet & mental agility so I guess we'll never know if that has contributed to it.

Really hoping this is a UTI, even though that would be unpleasant for MIL.

Hoping she's improving today, OP - walking and talking are hugely positive, even if she is not her normal self yet.

Thank you. Apparently she feels fine in herself today, quite happy & walking about normally etc. But no recollection of what happened yesterday. Also no recollection of going out for lunch today, but that is fairly normal for her now.

Hospital said there was a small bleed on the brain, but they can't do an MRI until her blood pressure has gone down. She's been given tablets for that.

DH didn't go up as felt all round it would not have helped, but his head & heart is definitely there! Hoping she continues to improve.

It's horrible isn't it. My gran had vascular dementia and finally died from a stroke (aged 93) now my DMiL has it, she's in her late 80s.

The worst thing about it is that there is nothing you can do about it. Just support your SiL as best you can, and your DH and you support each other. 🙀